I’m scared for my life
What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?
Gag My wife told me this one to me. Not my joke
I never liked myself with facial hair…
but since I stopped shaving this beard has been growing on me.
Time flies like an arrow…
But fruit flies like a banana
What’s Batman’s favorite fruit?
BA-NA-NA-NA-NA-NA-NA-NA BA-NA-NA-NA-NA-NA-NA-NA grapefruit
Where are all the dad jokes stored?
At the dadabase.
I couldn’t help but smile as the infant-ry marched on the capitol.
There's nothing cuter than a babies' coup.
If a Tesla got stolen…
Would it then be called an Edison?
If a Pomeranian looked Medusa in the eyes…
…it would become a pomegranite.
The most corrupt president in American history. Also pictured: Richard Nixon.
https://ift.tt/2qIn6m2
What do you call Santa’s helpers?
Subordinate clauses.
What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A gummy bear
What’s the worst part of locking your keys in the car outside planned parenthood?
Having to go back in and ask for a hanger.
This girl on Tinder asked me why I have an unlit cigarette in my picture.
I told her that I am looking for matches.
Mr. and Mrs. Potato had three daughters who were as upstanding as they were lovely. One day the first daughter came home and exclaimed, “I have an announcement to make.”
“And what might that be?” said Mother, seeing the obvious excitement in her eldest daughter’s eyes. “Well,” replied the daughter, with a proud but sheepish grin, “I’m getting married!” The other daughters squealed with surprise as Mother Potato exclaimed, “Married! That’s wonderful! And who are you marrying, Eldest daughter?” “I’m marrying a Russet!” “A Russet!” replied Mother Potato with pride. “Oh, a Russet is a fine tater, a fine tater indeed!” As the family shared in the eldest daughter’s joy, the middle daughter spoke up. “Mother, I too, have an announcement.” “And what might that be?” asked Mother Potato. Not knowing quite how to begin, the middle daughter paused, then said with conviction, “I, too, am getting married!” “You, too!” Mother Potato said with joy. “That’s wonderful! Twice the good news in one evening! And who are you marrying, Middle Daughter?” “I’m marrying an Idaho,” beamed the middle daughter. “An Idaho!” said Mother Potato with joy. “Oh, an Idaho is a fine tater, a fine tater indeed!” Once again, the room came alive with laughter and excited plans for the future, when the youngest Potato daughter interrupted. “Mother? Mother Potato? Um, I, too, have an announcement to make.” “Yes?” said Mother Potato with great anticipation. “Well,” began the youngest Potato daughter with the same sheepish grin as her eldest sister before her, “I hope this doesn’t come as a shock to you, but I am getting married, as well!” “Really?” said Mother Potato with sincere excitement. “All of my lovely daughters married! What wonderful news! And who, pray tell, are you marrying, Youngest Daughter?” “I’m marrying Dan Rather!” “DAN RATHER?!” Mother Potato scowled suddenly. “But he’s just a common tater!”
A horse walks into a bar.
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, “You’re in here a lot, are you an alcoholic?” The horse ponders for a minute and responds, “I don’t think I am.” And poof he disappears. This is where philosophy students start to snicker, as they are familiar with Descartes postulate, “ I think therefore I am.” But telling you that first would be putting Descartes before the horse.
I got fired from my job at the bank today.
An old lady asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
I’ve been reading ‘Lord Of The Rings’ and apparently, Gollum was once a normal man, but wearing the ring drained him of his youth, energy and any joy in life…
Must be the same ring I put on when I got married…
My daughter lost her first tooth today
I bet she won't touch my X- box again !
My girlfriend wanted to have a conversation with me about me being too childish, but it never happened…
She didn't know the password to my treehouse!
What’s the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?
It only takes one nail to hang the picture of Jesus.
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make
Then they call me Ugly and Poor
Did you hear about the guy who’s been pick-pocketing midgets?
I can't believe someone would stoop so low!
Whoever invented the knock-knock joke
should get a no bell prize.
i made this in under 2 minutes because i thought about it and needed it to be done
https://ift.tt/374H6j5
I just bought the personalized license plate BAA BAA…
For my black jeep…
I don’t have a dad body
I have a father figure
Chewbacca crashed the Millenium Falcon the first time he flew it.
Wookiee mistake.
How does Harry Potter get down hill?
Walking! JK Rolling!
We’re bringing back Memeless Mondays!
A few months ago, we tried out a concept known as “Memeless Mondays”, where, you guessed it, (most) memes are prohibited every Monday. Specifically:For the duration of this day, all image jokes must only use OC meme templates or not use any template at all (i.e. not be a meme).We won’t check for OC very thoroughly – if it can’t be found with a quick Google search for keywords, or isn’t an edit of an easily googlable template, you’re probably okay.All posts made which break the above criterion will be removed; no strikes will be administered for this violation.Response to this was generally very positive, and allowed higher quality content to shine once a week. The only reason for its abandonment was lack of available moderation – we have that now, so it’s coming back!It’s been a while, so if you have any concerns or suggestions regarding MM, leave them below. Otherwise, see you Monday.
Name calling does not a president make. He has the mentality of a spoiled child.
https://ift.tt/38EQkmd
My wife just threw away my favourite herb.
She's such a Thyme waster
I was so embarrassed when my wife found out that I was playing with my son’s train set that I threw a bedsheet over it.
I managed to cover my tracks.
A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened.
Then he decided to write a letter to the Lord requesting the $100. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to the Lord, USA, they decided to send it to President Clinton. The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill, as this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5.00, and sat down to write a thank-you note to the Lord. It said: Dear Lord, Thank you very much for sending me the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington, DC and as usual, those jerks deducted $95.
Wikipedia says there are only 2 atms in Antarctica.
But you shouldn't use them unless you want your assets frozen.
What do you call a black guy flying a plane?
A pilot, you racist
A married couple are lying in bed one night…
A married couple is lying in bed one night. The wife is curled up, ready to go to sleep, and the husband turns his bed lamp on to read a book. As he's reading, he periodically reaches over to his wife and fondles her special bits. He does this a few times, but only for a very short interval before returning to read his book.The wife gradually becomes more and more aroused and, assuming that her husband is seeking some encouragement before going further, she gets up and starts stripping in front of him. The husband is confused and asks, "Why are you taking off your clothes"? His wife replies, "You were rubbing me downtown. I thought it was foreplay". The husband says, "No, not at all". His wife asks angrily, "Well, what the hell were you doing then"? I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages in my book.
My doctor just diagnosed me with very low blood pressure.
He prescribed two IKEA self assembly wardrobes.
Man: “Doctor, I think I have ADHD: I can’t remember where I parked my Ford!”
Doctor: "That's not how ADHD works…" Man: "But I keep losing my Focus!"
This dude had beautiful long hair 5 years ago. Very funny comment but also Oof.
https://ift.tt/2ywG2Za
There is a nudist club meeting on next Saturday.
I might go if I have nothing on.
You know what happened to the guy who chugged 8 Pepsis at once?
…He burped 7 up
I can cut down a tree just by looking at it.
It’s true! I saw it with my own eyes.