What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin
Trump & Obama are in a barber shop…
Getting fresh cuts and shaves. They’re sitting right next to each other. Everyone is on edge; nobody is saying a word. Trump’s shave finishes first and the barber asks if he wants aftershave. Trump smells it and says “No way! That stuff smells like a whorehouse! I go home smelling like that and Melania’s going to think I was up all night fucking whores bigly! It will get me in so much trouble!” Obama’s shave finishes and his barber asks Obama if he wants aftershave. Obama says, “Sure! My wife doesn’t know what a whorehouse smells like.”
Two blondes went out deer hunting…
…and they managed to shoot a deer. They started dragging the deer by the hind legs to get it back to their pick up truck. An experienced hunter saw them and said, "No, girls, you're doing it wrong. You're dragging against the grain of the deer's hair. If you drag by the antlers, you'll be pulling with the grain of the hair, and it will be much easier." So the two blondes started dragging their deer by the antlers. After about 20 minutes, one said to the other, "You know, that old guy was right! It's so much easier to drag the deer by the antlers, it's like it's just gliding along the ground." "Yeah, he was," said the other blonde. "But we sure are getting far away from our pick up."
IKEA has been accused of evading over $500 million in taxes. Apparently, prosecutors have been after them for years…
…but they're having a really hard time putting their case together…
Be careful today when searching “Giant Black Hole Pics”
All I keep getting are scientific articles.
What is the definition of a will?
Come on guys it's a dead giveaway
What did the ghost say to the bartender when he entered the bar?
"I'm just here for the boos."
As I was racking up to shoot some pool with my son, he said, “Do you wanna break?”
I said, “We just got here. How lazy are you?”
What does a mechanic do after a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts.
I accidently sprayed deodorant in my mouth today
Now when I talk I have this weird axe scent
A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment house.
A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment house. While there, a stunning young woman came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes of flirting, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming." He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?" Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It has to be your ears." Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are a full 38 inches and 100 percent natural. I work out every day and my ass is firm and solid. I have a 28 inch waist. Look at my skin, not a blemish anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?" Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming…that was me."
What do you say to a Jedi who stole your sicilian dessert?
"You owe me one cannoli."
What did the 0 say to the 8 ?
Nice belt
White people don’t shoot each other in the streets like black people do…
We shoot each other in schools, because we have class.
Apple really is the most futuristic company out there
They have already adjusted their prices for the next 50 years of inflation!
I am a social vegan.
I avoid meet.
I don’t trust people who draw…
They always seem sketchy.
How does the moon cut his hair.
Eclipse it
I burnt my Hawaiian pizza today
Should have cooked it at aloha temperature
Did you hear about the monkeys who shared an Amazon account?
They were Prime mates.
If you really think about it condoms are just sonblock.
No text found
“Dad, what is a joke I can post on Reddit to get a lot of upvotes?”
“Hm, that’s a good question, son. I think I have an idea.” “Okay, dad. What is it?” “You should post a story about an old man tying balloons to his house to fly away and a Boy Scout joining him as they float down to South America.” “Why would I post that, dad?” “Because then when people like it, you’ll get a lot of Up votes.”
You know why vaccinated children are more likely to have autism?
They live past the age of three
Picked my dog up from getting fixed. This is how he looked. (He’s just fine today!)
https://ift.tt/3bSVqh1
My friend claims that he “accidentally” glued himself to his autobiography, but I don’t believe him.
But that’s his story, and he’s sticking to it.
I don’t often tell dad jokes.
But when i do, he usually laughs
Aww poor baby. Just dont buy the latest iphone or avocado toast. You’ll be fine
https://ift.tt/2PTlS1L
What kind of grades did Tommy Wiseau get in school?
Oh, high marks
Jim decided to propose to Sandy, but prior to her acceptance,
Sandy had to confess to her man about her childhood illness. She informed Jim that she suffered a disease that left her breasts at maturity of a 12 years old. He stated that it was OK because he loved her so much. “I too have a problem. My penis is the same size as an infant and I hope you could deal with that once we are married.” She said, “Yes I will marry you and learn to live with your infant penis.” Sandy and Jim got married and they could not wait so Jim whisked Sandy off to their hotel suite and they started touch teasing, holding one another. As Sandy put her hands in Jim’s pants, she began to scream and ran out of the room! Jim ran after her to find out what was wrong. She said, “You told me your penis was the size of an infant!” “Yes it is: 8 pounds, 7 ounces, 19 inches long!”
If I was addicted to masturbation, and then became addicted to sex…
Would it be safe to say that my addiction got out of hand?
A man was sunbathing naked at the beach.
For the sake of civility, and to keep it from getting sunburned, he had a hat over his privates. A woman walks past and says, snickering, "If you were a gentleman, you'd lift your hat". He raised an eyebrow and replied, "if you weren't so ugly, it would lift itself".
Passwords
"Sorry, your password has been in use for 90 days and has expired – you must register a new one." roses "Sorry, too few characters." pretty roses "Sorry, you must use at least one numerical character." 1 pretty rose "Sorry, you cannot use blank spaces." 1prettyrose "Sorry, you must use at least 10 different characters." 1fuckingprettyrose "Sorry, you must use at least one upper case character." 1FUCKINGprettyrose "Sorry, you cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively." 1FuckingPrettyRose "Sorry, you must use no fewer than 20 total characters." 1FuckingPrettyRoseShovedUpYourAssIfYouDon'tGiveMeAccessRightFuckingNow! "Sorry, you cannot use punctuation." 1FuckingPrettyRoseShovedUpYourAssIfYouDontGiveMeAccessRightFuckingNow "Sorry, that password is already in use."
Set your WiFi password to 2444666668888888
So when someone asks, tell them it's 12345678
My wife asked my if sex has changed since I got my vasectomy
I just tell her I hadn't noticed a vas deferens