I’m so done with these pewdiepie fans that post on r/memes.
India is a very peaceful country.
Because nobody has any beef over there.
A man takes his seat at the Superbowl. He looks over and notices there’s an extra seat in between himself and the next guy.
The man says, "Who would ever miss the Superbowl?” The guy replies, "Well that was my wife’s seat. We have been to the last five Superbowls together, but sadly she passed away.” The man says back, "That’s terrible, but couldn’t you get another close family member to come with you?” The guy says, "No. They're all at the funeral."
A Statistically Accurate Joke
Three statisticians go deer hunting. After some time passes, they come upon a buck. The first shoots at it and misses by 30 yards to the right. The second takes a shot and misses by 30 yards to the left. The third jumps up and yells, “We got him! We got him!“
How can you tell when a vampire’s sick ?
Because of the coffin.
I heard that 99.9% of Reddit users are actually stupid
Thank God I’m the 1% that isn’t
A close friend of mine died recently after drinking a gallon of varnish.
It was a horrific end, but a lovely finish.
A nun is having a bath when she hears a knock of the door….
She says "who is it?" "It's the blind man" comes the response. Ok, thinks the nun. "Come in then". In walks the man; "nice tits, now where do you want this blind?"
The World Health Organization (WHO) announced that dogs cannot get Covid-19. Dogs can be released from quarantine.
So now we know “WHO let the dogs out"
My uncle was crushed by a piano….
His funeral was very low key
How did the hipster burn his tongue?
He drank coffee before it was cool
I buy my guns from a guy called T-Rex
He's a small arms dealer
Why did the weightlifter start losing IQ points?
Because he kept hanging out with dumbbells.
Here’s how to fall down stairs:
Step 1 Step 2 Step 3 Step 6 Step 10 Step 15 Step 19 Step 23 Step 35
As a doctor, I never make a joke about an unvaccinated baby.
But let me give it a shot.
Why didn’t the cannibal eat the guy with no legs ?
Because he was lacktoes intolerant
Why is Princess Zelda the most fashionable person in Hyrule?
Because she's really Sheik.
This asparagus is just…
a spear, I guess.
Every morning, I find that somebody has quietly put a bunch of celery on my front door step.
I think I’m being stalked.
I had to get a loan to pay for an Exorcism
They said if i didn't pay it back on time i'd be repossessed
The local humane society is giving away male geese for free.
I might go take a gander.
My ex-girlfriend tried to humiliate me by telling all her friends I was terrible in bed.
They all disagreed with her though.
What did Obi-Wan say to Luke at the dinner table?
"Use the fork Luke"
What did one bone say to another bone?
Let’s meet up and share a joint.
Someone Stole My Anti-Depressants
Someone Stole My Anti-Depressants
What do you call two bananas on the floor?
A pair of slippers.
A guy falls in love with a very traditional and conservative girl…
…that means no sex before marriage. But he doesn't care, he loves her. After a year of dating he decides its time to propose to her. So he heads to her father's house to ask for his blessing. "Hello, sir, I'm here to ask for your daughter's hand" A bit skeptical and looking to see if he really does love her, the father asks "And why is that?" The guy lets out a long drawn out sigh… "Well, its just that mine have gotten tired."
I only believe in 12.5% of everything the Bible says.
Which makes me an eighth theist.
What’s the best thing about Switzerland?
I don't know but the flag is a big plus.