I’m so good at sleeping!
At first, I thought my haircut was too short.
But then it grew on me.
Dad I’m cold
Go to the corner. It’s 90degrees
You know you’ve done something wrong when your computer starts REEEEEEEing at you
https://ift.tt/34on0i2
What do you call a factory that only makes good products?
A satisfactory
I met a Jewish girl and she wanted my number
I simply told her we use names here
A mother is invited by her son, Dave, for dinner.
He lives with a female roommate, Tina. During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Tina is. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Dave and his roommate than met the eye. Reading his mum's thoughts, Dave volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Tina and I are just roommates.'' About a week later, Tina came to Dave saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" "Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure." said Dave. So he sat down and wrote an email: Dear Mum, I'm not saying that you "DID" take the sugar bowl from my house; I'm not saying that you "DID NOT" take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Love, Dave Several days later, Dave received a response email from his mother which read: Dear SON, I'm not saying that you "DO" sleep with Tina, and I'm not saying that you "DO NOT" sleep with her. But the fact remains that if SHE was sleeping in her OWN BED, SHE would have found the sugar bowl by now!!
What do you call a fake noodle?
An impasta
Pun enters a room, kills 10 people.
Pun in, ten dead.
we’ll we’ll we’ll…
…if it isn’t autocorrect.
A bear walks into a bar.
He says to the bartender, "I'll have a………………beer." The bartender responds, "What's with the big pause?" The bear holds up his arms and says, "Always had 'em."
what do vegan zombies eat?
GRAAAIIINSSS!!!
A slice of apple pie costs $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
What’s the opposite of a mermaid?
Land Ho!
I saw a program billed as ” LeeAnn Rimes with Cher.
Then I thought to myself no, it doesn't.
The new employee.
This guy just started at his new job, working at an adult shop. His boss comes out and tells him that he has to leave for a while, and "can you handle it? " The new employee is somewhat reluctant, but with the boss's positive comments he finally agrees. So, the guy is there by himself for a little while and a white woman comes in. She asks, "How much for the white dildo?" He answers, "$35." She: "How much for the black one?" He: "$35 for the black one, $35 for the white one." She: "I think I'll take the black one. I've never had a black one before. "She pays him, and off she goes. A little bit later a black woman comes in and asks "How much for the black dildo? He: "$35." She: "How much for the white one?" He: "$35 for the white one, $35 for the black one." She: "Hmmm…I think I'll take the white one. I've never had a white one before…"She pays him, and off she goes. About an hour later a young blonde woman comes in and asks, "How much are your dildos?" He: "$35 for the white, $35 for the black." She: "Hmmmmm….how much is that plaid one on the shelf?" He: "Well, that's a very special dildo…it'll cost you $165." She thinks for a moment and answers, "I'll take the plaid one, I've never had a plaid one before…." She pays him, and off she goes. Finally, the guy's boss returns and asks, "How did you do while I was gone?" To which the salesman says, "I think I did good, I sold one white dildo, one black dildo, and I sold your thermos for $165!"
I just finished designing a website for an orphanage
There isn't a home page
Bullets are quite weird…
They only do their jobs after they are fired
Damn you, autocorrect
Damn you to he’ll
I was having trouble fastening my seat belt
and then it just clicked
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
"Is it something I said?" "Yes."
Why doesn’t where’s Waldo go to the gym
Because no one can spot him
People told Beethoven he could not be a musician because he was deaf.
He didn't listen though.
Did you hear about the satellites that got married?
The wedding wasn't much, but the reception was incredible!
Peter Parker didn’t always want to be a super hero
He originally had dreams of being a web designer
How can you tell when a vampire’s sick ?
Because of the coffin.
People shouldn’t look down on lazy people.
They haven’t done anything!
My girlfriend told me that she’s leaving because I’m too immature…
Good luck with that, the floor's made of lava.
If I had to rate our solar system
I'd give it 1 star
People who can’t stop buying full length mirrors…
…need to take a good long look at themselves.
TIL why nurses always carry red crayons…
It's in case they have to draw blood…
Two goldfish are in a tank.
One says to the other, “Do you know how to drive this thing?”
A man is driving down a country road
A man is driving down a country road when he loses control of his car and ends up in a ditch. He gets out of the car and knocks on a farmhouse door for help. He explains his situation to the farmer. The farmer gets his horse and they walk to the crash scene. The farmer then uses rope to tie the horse to the car"Pull, Zoomer, pull" the farmer shouts, but the horse doesn't move."Pull, Radar, pull" the farmer yells again, but again, the horse stands still"Pull, Dasher, pull" yells the farmer, but the horse stands like a rock."Pull, Dusty, pull" shouts the farmer, and the horse finally gets the car out with minimal effort.The driver is dumbfounded so he asks the farmer, "why do you call your horse different names?""You see," the farmer replies, "Dusty is blind. If he knew he was working by himself, he wouldn't have pulled."
Clint Eastwood gets called back from the light at the golf tournament yesterday
https://ift.tt/2Hfy47a
My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot.
My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away.