I’m so lonely…
That my only greeting is from a microwave.
As i suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden
The plot thickens
Hillary under investigation=guilty, but Trump under investigation=witch hunt.
https://ift.tt/2WLlJPk
What do you call it when Batman skips church ?
Christian Bale
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler and the other is a tiny waddler…
Why do gay people laugh at everything?
Because they cant keep a straight face
Two balloons in the desert.
One says: "look out for that cactus!" The other replies: "what cactusssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss?"
Asian girls don’t poop…
…they take dumplings.
A guy walks into a fancy club and right past the bouncer.
When the bouncer tries to stop him, the guy says "let me through, I'm fucking rich." The bouncer, eager for a tip, lets him through. The guy proceeds right to the VIP section, past the ropes, and sits down at the best table. The bouncer tries to stop him again, but the guy says "I can sit wherever I want, I'm fucking rich." Again, the bouncer decides to let the guy sit down, still hoping for a big tip. The guy then walks behind the bar, grabs the most expensive top-shelf bottle, and takes it back to his table. The bouncer, realizing that the owner will fire him for letting a guest grab such an expensive bottle, stops the guy a third time and says "I don't care how wealthy you are, you can't have that bottle." All the sudden a huge man, dwarfing the bouncer, taps him on the shoulder and tells the bouncer to let the guy keep the bottle. Indignant at the bold statement, the bouncer replies "and who the hell are you?" "Rich."
Three Russian men are sitting together in a train headed to the Gulag.
One of them asks the two others: "So what did you do?" The first one answers: "Well, I arrived late at the factory, and so they accused me of slowing down the Revolution and the victory of the Proletariat." The second one answers: "Well, I arrived early at the factory, and so they accused me of wanting to be favored and promoted over my fellow workers." Then they turn to the one who asked the question: "How about you, then?" "Well, I arrived at the factory right on time, and so they accused me of having a watch from the West.
“Some say Jesus drove a Honda, but didn’t like to talk about it”
"For I did not speak of my own Accord…" – John 12:49
Dust
[Removed]
Telltale Games will shut down…
Fans will remember that
TeamTrees reached their goal of 20,000,000 trees planted on the same day Trump got impeached.
Now millions of people can breathe easier.
How does music say goodbye
Audios
Ruin a quote by attributing it to the wrong person
"Don't cry because it is over. Smile because it happened." -Adolf Hitler, 1945
Damn girl, are you a fire alarm?
Cause you’re fucking loud and annoying.
As I regained consciousness from last nights car crash.
The Doctors were trying to convince me, I'm actually a Swedish bloke who had forgotten his identity… But I wasn't Bjorn yesterday!
HELP MY HATS ARE STUCK
MY CAPS LOCKED
I told my wife she drew her eyebrows too high.
She looked surprised!
What do “PETA” and “Make a Wish Foundation” have in common?
A 10% survival rate I’m so sorry
My wife told me to stop singing Wonderwall
I said maybe.
My grandpa just walked into my room with a young guy wearing skinny jeans and eating avocado toast.
I said, “Who is this guy?” Grandpa: This is my hip replacement.
Yesterday I spotted an albino Dalmatian.
It was the least I could have done for him.
A dude was wondering why a rock was getting bigger
Then it hit him
Gay people have no excuse to have a bad fashion sense
Like homie what were you doing in the closet that whole time
What Apple interviews must be like for Software Engineers post iOS 14 (Virtual Onsite Zoom)
https://youtu.be/QR5v579LsWA
Who will take the second shot of this billiards game?
Find out after the break!
My friend just emailed me a compressed nsfw video
sigh… unzips
My 67 y/o quiet and shy dad wanted me to share his masterpiece across North America
https://ift.tt/39n5Cfp
My wife complains that I don’t buy her flowers.
To be honest, I didn’t know she sold flowers.
My wife claims that a man in camouflage is really sexy.
I just don’t see it.
I just caught my husband asking somebody for dating advice…
He's just not sure that radiocarbon is the most reliable method.
