I’m so nervous..
Oh, high marks.
They are greeted by st. Peter at the pearly gates. He welcomes them and then says "But be careful, there are lots of ducks in heaven. If you step on any you will be punished". The girls go in and the first one steps on a duck right away and the ugliest man in existence gets chained to her for eternity. The second girl steps on a duck after about a week and the second ugliest man is chained to her for eternity. The third girl, however, never steps on a duck and the most beautiful man she had ever seen was chained to her. "What did I do to deserve such a nice thing?" she asks God. God looks at her and says, "He stepped on a duck."
None. They're afraid of change- even if it makes the world a brighter place. (Edit: Folks, take a breath. It is a joke.)
The first mathematician orders a beer The second orders half a beer "I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies "Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2 "What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bartender remarks. "That's ridiculous." "Oh c'mon" says mathematician #1 "do you know how hard it is to collect an infinite number of us? Just play along" "There are very strict laws on how I can serve drinks. I couldn't serve you half a beer even if I wanted to." "But that's not a problem" mathematician #3 chimes in "at the end of the joke you serve us a whole number of beers. You see, when you take the sum of a continuously halving function-" "I know how limits work" interjects the bartender "Oh, alright then. I didn't want to assume a bartender would be familiar with such advanced mathematics" "Are you kidding me?" The bartender replies, "you learn limits in like, 9th grade! What kind of mathematician thinks limits are advanced mathematics?" "HE'S ON TO US" mathematician #1 screeches Simultaneously, every mathematician opens their mouth and out pours a cloud of multicolored mosquitoes. Each mathematician is bellowing insects of a different shade. The mosquitoes form into a singular, polychromatic swarm. "FOOLS" it booms in unison, "I WILL INFECT EVERY BEING ON THIS PATHETIC PLANET WITH MALARIA" The bartender stands fearless against the technicolor hoard. "But wait" he inturrupts, thinking fast, "if you do that, politicians will use the catastrophe as an excuse to implement free healthcare. Think of how much that will hurt the taxpayers!" The mosquitoes fall silent for a brief moment. "My God, you're right. We didn't think about the economy! Very well, we will not attack this dimension. FOR THE TAXPAYERS!" and with that, they vanish. A nearby barfly stumbles over to the bartender. "How did you know that that would work?" "It's simple really" the bartender says. "I saw that the vectors formed a gradient, and therefore must be conservative."
The Carroty Kid
We lived on an old farm, no animals just fields. My uncle goes off to a market and comes back with this filthy ass horse. Says it's bred from some old bloke's prize stallion. Auntie loves it for some reason, coz it's all muddy she calls it "Dirty". She was a bit weird like that. I, being a countryside kid, liked horses and riding them. Then they turned on me saying "If we ever catch you riding our fucking horse then we will beat the living shit out of you". They meant it, they'd done it before. Few days later, I'm messing in the fields with some old tractor tire I found. Dirty is just eating grass and shit next to me. Auntie and uncle come out every few minutes to make sure I'm not riding the horse. Get bored and climb inside the tire. Tire starts moving (field wasn't flat). Can't stop. Auntie and uncle come outside to check on me. They see me rollin' They hatin' Patrolling Trying to catch me ridin’ Dirty.
They return from a party one night and discover that the elevator is broken, so they have to take the stairs to the 600th floor. They decide that in order to pass the time each of them would tell a story. For the first 200 floors, someone would tell a happy story, then for the next 200 one would tell a scary story, and for the last 200 one would tell a sad story. This strategy worked well for the first 400 floors. It was now time for the last guy to tell a sad story. For the next 100 floors, the last guy tried his best to come up with a story that would move his friends to tears, when finally, he stopped on the stairs. "Guys. I have a sad story now." The others stop and face him. "I left the keys in the lobby."
If Phoenixes can fly why is he Joaquin?
A man sitting in the corner replies, “You won’t have enough bullets”
He went ice skating before it was cool.
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume? Me: That’s when I went to Yale… Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
But the spoilers ruined it for me.
Every other time I've seen them, they were under a buck.
It’s considered to be a personal fowl.
I said, "But Baby, its cold outside."
And she'll kill me if she finds out.
Which is the one about being in a closet?
but on the other, it’s just not right.
A roamin’ catholic
A salt rifle
Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar. Every time I have pessimistic thoughts, I put a dollar in…
It’s currently half empty…
I have had a Canon printer for years.
I won’t rest until I find it.
His hand caught fire
I replied, “No, I don’t hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine.”
My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.
After 1 minute all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence.
Two out of three little ones have no household.