I’m so quirky for laughing at memes
Did you hear about the two criminals who stole a calendar?
They both got 6 months. P.S this is my first ever post! Please be nive
In case you don’t know Yoda’s last name
It is LAYHEEHOO
I asked a friend what he thought of dry ice.
He said it was absolutely sublime.
Why don’t you ever see elephants hiding in trees?
Because they’re really good at it
WHAT I IF TOLD YOU…
That you read the first bit wrong.
I was watching Jurassic park the other day…..
…. when I thought "not only does my son have a really stupid name, he´s also a terrible driver"
I took the damaged remains of my luggage to a lawyer and said, “I want to sue the airline!”
The lawyer said, “You don’t seem to have too much of a case.”
Steal everyone’s eyelids and no one bats an eye…
Remove their brains from their skulls and everyone loses their mind…
My dad said he’s going to a concert.
Me: Hey dad, where are you off to? Dad: I'm heading out to a Korean boy-band show. Me: KPOP?! Dad: Yes, I'm fine.
I have a friend who really loves to count.
I wonder what he’s up to?
I was sacked from the ice cream factory today
Just because I refused to work on a Sundae!
I’m so excited! Scientists have tested cloning on humans.
Im beside myself
What does a clock do when it’s hungry?
It goes back four seconds.
I’m a social vegan
I avoid meet
When I was a kid, my parents would always say, “Excuse my French!” after a swear word…
I’ll never forget that first day at school when the teacher asked did we know any French…
I lost my job at the bank on my very first day
A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over
The wife and I decided we don’t want children.
We're telling them tomorrow.
Found this scrolling through my insta. Not screaming boomer but definitely boomer esq humor.
https://ift.tt/2NiAtSj
A Nun and a Priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the third day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning.
After dusting themselves off, the Nun and the Priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the Priest spoke, “Well, Sister, this looks pretty grim.” “I know, Father. In fact, I don’t think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two.” “I agree,” says the Father. “Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?” “Anything, Father.” “I have never seen a woman’s breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours…” “Well, under the circumstances I don’t see that it would do any harm.” The Nun opened her habit and the Priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty. “Sister, would you mind if I touched them?” She consented and he fondled them for several minutes. “Father, could I ask something of you?” “Yes, Sister?” “I have never seen a man’s penis. Could I see yours?” “I suppose that would be OK,” the Priest replied lifting his robe. “Oh Father, may I touch it?” The priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection. “Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can give life.” “Is that true Father?” “Yes, it is, Sister.” “Oh Father, that’s wonderful… stick it in the camel and let’s get the hell out of here!”
The sperm clinic nurse asked me if I’d like to masturbate in a cup
I said I wasn't ready for competitive wanking
A cat died and went to Heaven
A cat died and went to Heaven. God met the animal at the Pearly Gates and said, “You have been a good cat all of these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking.” The cat thought for a moment and then said, “All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard, wooden floors… I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on.” God said, “Say no more.” Instantly, the cat had a HUGE fluffy pillow. A few days later, 12 mice were simultaneously killed in an accident and they all went up to Heaven together. God met the mice at the Gates of Heaven, with the exact same offer that He made to the cat. The mice said, “Well, we have had to run all of our lives… from cats, dogs, and even from people with brooms. If we could just have some little roller-skates, we would never have to run again.” God answered, “It is done.” All the mice had beautiful little roller-skates. About a week later, God decided to check on the cat… He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow. God gently awakened the cat and asked, “Is everything okay? How have you been doing? Are you happy?” The cat replied, “Oh, everything is just WONDERFUL… I’ve never been so happy in my life! My pillow is always fluffy and those little “Meals-on-Wheels” that You have been sending over are delicious.”
A police officer stopped a car for speeding
A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, ‘I clocked you at 120 km/h sir.’ The driver says, ‘Christ, officer I had it on cruise control at 100, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.’ Not looking up from her knitting the wife says, ‘Now don’t be silly dear, you know that this car doesn’t have cruise control.’ As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, ‘Can’t you please keep your mouth shut for once?’ The wife smiles demurely and says, ‘You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did.’ As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit. The man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, ‘Fk it woman, can’t you keep your mouth shut?’ The officer frowns and says, ‘And I notice that you’re not wearing your seat belt sir. That’s an automatic $75 fine.’ The driver says, ‘Yeah well, you see officer, I had it on but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.’ The wife says, ‘Now dear, you know very well that you didn’t have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you’re driving.’ And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, ‘WHY DON’T YOU shut the fk up? The officer looks over at the woman and asks, ‘Does your husband always talk to you this way Ma’am?’ The Wife replies, ‘Only when he’s drunk.’
Have you heard the joke about procrastination?
I’ll tell you tomorrow.
Two Nuns are ordered to paint a room
Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits. After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude. In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door. "Who is it?" calls one of the nuns. "Blind man," replies a voice from the other side. The two nuns look at each other and shrug; deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door. "Nice tits," says the man. "Where do you want these blinds?"
At any given moment, the urge to sing, “The Lion Sleeps Tonight”…
…is just a whim away, a whim away, a whim away.
Someone accidentally mailed me 10 lbs of pot yesterday. So I did the right thing and called the cops.
They just came by and picked up all 4 pounds.
Dad, I feel fat and ugly… Give me a compliment…
Dad: You have good eyesight !
Today a girl kissed me
I wish I could post it in another subreddit