I’m so sick of people saying stealing is wrong.
I just don't buy it.
Mom: Guess who I saw today! Me: who? Mom: Everyone I looked at!
Hey old fellas of boomer. It would be great if y’all take some time to fill out this quick survey I’m conducting for my uni assignment. Try to make your answers long pleaseeehttps://ift.tt/3ayaejr
Because if they had 4 they'd be called chicken sedans.
Some scientists claim it might become a pundemic.
With little Caesars (Seezors)
No text found
But then I realize I’m better than that.
A few days later, when the woman woke up, she noticed that was no longer pregnant and asked the doctor what happened to her baby. The doctor replies, "Congratulations, you had twins! A baby girl and baby boy!" The woman was relieved to hear this, but the doctor continued. "However, per hospital policy, we needed names for the children. Since you were unconscious, your brother named your children for you." "Oh, no!" she cried. "My brother is an idiot! What terrible names did he give my babies?" The doctor replied, "Your brother named your daughter Denise." The woman was pleasantly surprised. "That's… that's actually not bad! What did he name the boy?" "Denephew."
Father: "Well son, before sex it's a delicate little thing. Almost like a tulip that hasn't fully bloomed". Boy: "What about after sex?" Father: "You ever seen a bulldog eating mayonnaise?"
That way it will never come for me.
That's my story and I'm sticking to it
Well, the joke is on them. Because so are they
But when it does, no one is shocked.
"Take your brother to see a movie for his birthday. Keep him out until 2:00 while your father and I set up his surprise party." That was the day I realized my brother was the favourite twin.
Wife- I’m pregnant Husband- Hi pregnant, I’m dad Wife- No, you’re not
Doctor: I doubt it. Mercury is in Uranus. Patient: I'm not into this astrology shit. Doctor: Me neither, my thermometer just broke.
I’ve been asked to name and shame all those horrible people that have been mocking me for wearing mittens…
…but I’m not going to point fingers.
Its very time consuming
When I was learning to drive in the winter, my Dad told me, “If you’re ever lost in the snow, wait for a plow truck, then follow it.”
One cold, snowy Minnesota night, I got lost on the way home. The snow was blowing so fast and piling up so high, I couldn't see any street signs. With no map in my car and a dead cell phone, I thought I might be stranded so I pulled over to the side of the road. Then breaking through the flurries, I saw the headlights of a plow truck in my rearview mirror. Thanking my lucky stars, I turned in and followed the truck, hopeful that it would lead me back somewhere I recognized. I followed that truck for what felt like hours. He turned left, I'd turn left. He'd swing to the right, and I was right on his tail. After a while, I saw brake lights from the plow, followed by four-way flashers. The plow had stopped, and I saw the driver get out and approach my car. I rolled down the window to talk to him. "Why are you following me, kid?" the plow driver asked. "Well sir, my dad told me if I was ever lost in a snowstorm, I should wait for a plow truck and then follow it." "Well," said the plow driver. "I just finished clearing the Target parking lot. Want to follow me over to Best Buy??"
Me- Sure, but why so many people? Dad- The DVD says it is only for 18+ viewers.
Tenor twelve feet away from her and all musical instruments at all times.
I met a guy who was convinced that there were no words in the English language with more syllables than vowels….
I tried to explain to him that he was wrong, but he refused to accept criticism…
"The bad news is it's brain cancer."
You look for fresh prints.
Or on Earth.
Drop it in water. If it sinks, it's a girl ant. If it floats, it's boyant
Joe is getting fed up with constantly replacing his fence posts and barbed wire. Chasing down the bull and getting him back to the field is no easy task either. So he goes to his neighbor Steve for advice. Steve being the nice neighborly farmer says "I've got plenty of barbed wire you can use to replace that fence, but I'm getting too old for the hard work. Why don't you hire some of the folks at r/jokes? I hear they're the best at reposting"