I’m so upset! Someone stole my limbo stick!
I mean how low can you go
Why don’t keyboards sleep.
They have two shifts.
How much does it cost to ride Santa’s sleigh?
About eight bucks, nine during bad weather.
My wife asked me for some peace and quiet while she cooked dinner.
So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
I’ll never let my children watch the orchestra
There’s way too much sax and violins
The frog
There was this little boy about 12 years old walking down the sidewalk dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He came up to the doorstep of a house of ill repute and knocked on the door. When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted. He said, "I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it." The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked, "Do any of the girls have any diseases?" Of course the Madam said no. He said, "I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making love with Amber. THAT'S the girl I want." Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right. He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door. The Madam stopped him and asked, "Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?" He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant for dinner, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter. After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She will then get the disease that I just caught. When Mom and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the way, he'll jump the baby-sitter's bones, and he'll catch the disease. Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitters, he and Mom will go to bed and have sex, and Mom will catch it. In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mom and catch the disease, and HE'S the son-of-a-bitch who ran over my FROG!"
Stop saying life is a joke. It isn’t.
A joke has meaning.
Kissing half a billion dollars goodbye… Bloomberg’s worst return on an investment
https://ift.tt/2ToqSMU
I love taking my blind daughter out for a drive.
Every time I hit a speed bump, I tell her it was a dog.
A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police.
“What are those knives doing in your car? Asked the officer. “I use them in my juggling act,” says the juggler. “Oh yeah?” “Let’s see you do it.” Says the policeman. So the man starts tossing and juggling the knives. A guy driving by sees this and says, “Wow, am I glad I stopped drinking. Look at the test they’re making you do now!”
a fallen soldier
a fallen soldier
Hay bales under a buck
https://ift.tt/2rYyv1i
Sorry for this …
Neil arms weak. Neil joins gym. Neil does chin-ups. Neil Armstrong 2. William making fruit shake. William took pears. William put them in glass. William Shakespeare 3. Jimmy goes to restaurant. Jimmy sits down. Jimmy gets food. Jimmy Choo 4. Tony makes movie. Tony works hard. Tony earns fans. Tony Star k 5. Alan feels happy. Alan runs hard. Alan falls in gutter. Alan Reekman (Rickman) 6. Usain s*** scared. Usain screams. Usain close doors. Usain Bolt.
Who’s bigger, Mr. Bigger or Mr. Bigger’s baby?
Mr. Bigger's baby because he's a little bigger.
I got some bed risers last night.
I'm moving up in this world..
Is this sub still active?
https://imgur.com/a/ggw9xpn
A man gives up his twin sons for adoption at birth.
Many years later the dad finds out one boy was adopted by a Mexican family and the other by a Muslim family. The son from the Mexican family, Juan, reaches out to the dad as an adult and the two meet. They have a great time reconnecting and the dad finds out his other son is named Amal. At the end of the day Juan asks his dad if he wants to meet his other son. The dad declines. Juan asks why and the dad says, “if you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Amal.”
I’ve gone bald, but kept my comb…
I just can’t part with it
I was a bit depressed so I surrounded myself with positive people
Now I am at the hospital.
Dad I’m cold
Dad: go to the corner it's 90°
An employee was leaving the office late one evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
“Listen,” said the CEO, “this is a very sensitive and important document here and my Secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work?" “Certainly,” said the employee. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper and pressed the start button. “Excellent, excellent!” said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. “I just need one copy.”
If you have a bee in your hand, what’s in your eye?
Beauty. It's in the eye of the bee-holder.
Some possible names for a Jewish restaurant:
Lots O' Matzoh Spin the Ladle Latkes of Love And for vegans: Soy Vey!
Got called in for a drug test at work…
They said I tested positive for opioids. I said "Oh yeah. There were poppy seeds on my bagel this morning." They said "What about the THC, cocaine, and LSD?" "It was an everything bagel."
How did Pinocchio find out he was a wooden boy?
His hand caught fire
I got the words “jacuzzi” and “yakuza” confused.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
I woke up this morning and found that someone dumped a bunch of legos on my front door step.
I don’t know what to make of it.
A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender says “We’ve got a drink named after you.” The grasshopper says:
"you've got a drink named Eugene?"
How come shrimp on Broadway don’t share?
https://ift.tt/2StZDgM
Why did Princess Peach choke?
Because Mario came down the wrong pipe.
I think I’m done buying trash bags.
I always end up throwing them away anyways.
A man walked into a bar.
A man walked into a bar and asked the bartender : "What can you serve as a non – alcoholic beverage?" Bartender: "We have mango juice" Man: "I have a cold. Ju would be fine."
Why did the hipster burn his mouth?
He drank his tea before it was cool 😎
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants
The bartender looks at him and says, “Do you know you’ve got a steering wheel in your pants?” The pirate goes, “Aye, it’s been driving me nuts!”.
A sperm donor, a carpenter, and Julius Caesar all walk into a bar.
He came, he saw, he conquered.
I just found out that “Aaarghh” is not a real word.
I can’t express how angry I am.
A Marine returns from duty in Iraq and is immediately reassigned to a remote location in Afghanistan.
That evening he arrives at his new post; a run down mosque in the middle of nowhere. As he switches over with the marine currently stationed there, he realises there is no bed, no clean water, no toilet, just him, his weapon and the dirt on the floor. The next morning he wakes up to find a queue of naked men leading into the mosque. At the front, the mosque leader is in prayer with the man leading the line. As the prayer finishes, he drops to his knees and swings his fist into the naked guys balls, flooring him! The naked guy slowly comes to his senses and crawls out of the mosque. Confused, the marine asks the mosque leader what's going on… "These men are thieves, rapists and murderers from all over Afghanistan." He says, "Instead of prison, their punishment is to walk through the desert in nothing but their sandals, receive Allah's justice, then return home." The marine returns to his post and continues to watch these unusual punishments. After 6 long months of no bed, no clean water, no toilet and witnessing this unusual justice system, his replacement arrives. "Hey, my last post was in Korea, how is it here?" Asks the replacement. "And what's with this queue of naked guys in the middle of nowhere!?" "Well, I'll be honest with you", replies the marine, "this a shit post, and what you're looking at here is a criminal punch line."