“I’m sorry” and “I apologize” usually mean the same thing
…except at a funeral
My wife said she wants a divorce because I play too many video games.
What a stupid thing to Fallout 4
John passed away, when he woke up, he was at the feet of Saint Peter –
– with millions of clocks around the room. Confused, he stood up and asked, "What are the clocks for?" Saint Peter said to him, "These are the clocks of everyone in the world, they only move when someone lies." So John goes to one and says, "Why has this one only moved twice?" Saint Peter said, "that is Abraham Lincoln's, it has moved twice for he has only lied twice in his life." John goes to another, he asked, "Why hasn't this one moved?" Saint Peter says, "That is Saint Teresa's, for she has never lied." Curious now, John asked, "Where is Donald Trump's clock?" Amused, Saint Peter says, "Oh, Jesus is using it as a ceiling fan in his office."
At first I didn’t like having a beard
But then it grew on me
Instructions on how to cure asthma, arthritis, ulcer, handicap, cancer with ultrasound
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l4dwdjBJdW0
Standing on office chairs.
No text found
I think I will start telling my friends about eating dried grapes
It's all about raisin awareness
My wife told me I was terrible with directions
So I packed up my things and right
One day, legendary musician Sting becomes bored of music, and decides to try his luck at day trading.
He does a few online courses and begins trading. On the first day Sting loses some money, but learns from it, and unpertrubed by the small losses he continues with it. On the second day, Sting loses a bit less, and learns even more. Happy with the results, he decides to sink some more money in his newfound hobby and sticks with it. On the third day, Sting manages a huge profit and decides to reward himself with an expensive Rolls Royce. With his newfound love of trading stocks, Sting decides to put even more of his money into trading, and continues on with it. On the fourth day, high on the previous day's earnings, Sting buys a large amount of unstable stock, putting most of his wealth into it, sure that it is a good wager. The following day a huge news story breaks of embezzlement in the company Sting invested in and its stock drops, losing the musician a huge amount of his money. The following week, he hears a large car pulling into his driveway, and he exits his house to see what this was about. In his driveway he sees a tow truck hooking up to his brand new Rolls Royce, about to be repossessed. "What is going on?" He shouts at the driver and as the driver turns around, he reveals himself to be a Buddhist monk. "A monk?" Sting asks surprisedly. "Why would you be working for a repossession company?" "Well," the monk begins. "You won't believe the amount of karma you can get for repo, Sting."
Why don’t Native Americans like snow?
It's white and settles on their land
We all know where the big apple is.
But does anyone know where the Minneapolis?
My girlfriend is fed up of my constant wordplay jokes, so I asked her, “How can I stop my addiction?”
"Whatever means necessary," she replied. "No it doesn't." I said.
Did you hear about the photographer who got lost in the woods?
He died of exposure.
“Why didn’t Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough? Because a cold never bothered her anyway!” My youngest son thought of that all by himself!
He's a 38-year-old lawyer in Nebraska…
My friend and I just started a business where we weigh tiny objects.
It’s a small scale operation.
I just spotted an albino Dalmatian.
It was the least I could do to help.
I recently started taking my paddle boat out on the lake
I feel like canoe person
I don’t trust stairs
They’re always up to something
I used to really enjoy political jokes…
Unfortunately, too many of them got elected.
Welcome to camouflage training
I’ve got to say I’m disappointed to see so many of you here
What does a horny frog say
Rubbit
My daughter pointed at a spear and said “daddy look it’s sharp”
I replied with “that’s the point”
The Mexicans are upset about Trump’s wall.
But they’ll get over it
A little known fact…
Before the invention of the crowbar, crows had to do their drinking at home
Did you know you can tell if an ant is a boy or a girl by dropping it in water?
If it sinks it's a girl ant If it floats it's boy ant
“Waiter, this coffee tastes like mud?”
"Yes sir, it's fresh ground."
What do you get when you mix human DNA with goat DNA
Kicked out of the petting zoo