I’m still in shock
I beat my wife at dominos the other night.
She needs to learn that I choose the pizza toppings.
Me: What’s the WiFi password?
Bartender: You need to buy a drink first Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke. Bartender: Is Pepsi okay? Me: Sure, how much is that? Bartender: $3. Me: There you go. So what’s the WiFi password? Bartender: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase. EDIT: format
Today I saw an ad that said: “radio for sale, 1$, volume stuck on full.”
I thought, "I can't turn that down."
What did the burglar say after detonating a bomb inside Fort Knox?
Edit: Wow! This blew up! Thanks for the gold!
Why did Karen press ctrl + alt + delete?
She wanted to see the task manager
Where does King T’Challa live?
In a Wacondo. My son and I just came up with that joke, driving past Disneyworld.
My wife said I was being immature.
I told her to get out of my fort.
What’s the least spoken language?
Sign language.
An Xbox One and a PS4 get attacked… Here comes the ambulance!!!
WiiU! WiiU! WiiU! WiiU! WiiU!
What is a Math Teacher’s favorite superhero?
FOUR, GOD OF NUMBERS!
I saw my son scratching his knee
I asked him if he had a 123. Confused, he looked at me and asked what I meant. I stared back and said, you have an ichi ni san.
My girlfriend always gets mad when I mess with her red wine…
So I added some Sprite and oranges to it and now she’s sangria then ever…
You know why they named it the “bell”
Because it has a nice ring to it
What does a robot do after sex?
Nuts and bolts.
I wanted to be a monk…
But I never got the chants.
When does a joke become a dad-joke?
When it's apparent
Wanna feel old?
Wait
As a doctor, I never make a joke about an unvaccinated baby.
But let me give it a shot.
Wife: I’m pregnant.
Husband: Hi pregnant, I'm dad. Wife: No you're not.
Why did the tofu cross the road?
To prove it was just as good as chicken!
Asking relevant questions in class leads to 30 minute anecdotes about his personal life
https://ift.tt/2Bv17Rq
A woman starts to scream while giving birth.
"What's wrong, honey?" her husband asks. "What's wrong?!?" the woman shouts, "THESE CONTRACTIONS ARE GOING TO BE THE DEATH OF ME!" "Sorry babe. What is wrong?"
In honor of tonight’s Lotto, one of my favorite jokes to tell.
A deeply religious man, whom I will call Dave, finds himself in dire financial trouble. He prays earnestly to his God to help him out of his predicament. "God, I'm about to lose my car. Please help me. Let me win the lottery." Lottery night comes, but sadly, Dave is not the winner. Things go from bad to worse. Without a car to get to work, Dave loses his job. Without a job, his mortgage is foreclosed on, and he loses his home. Without a home, his wife leaves him, taking the kids. After each horrible step in the mounting crisis, he pleads with God to let him win the lottery, but he never does. Finally, broke, hungry, living on the street, he tries again. "God, please, my life is a wreck. I have no car, no home, no family. Please let me win the lottery just this once so that I can turn my life around. I beg you." Suddenly, a flash of light comes from the sky, and the voice of God echoes down from the heavens. "Dave, meet me halfway, buy a fucking ticket."
My friend was upset that he was passed over for promotion at work by an attractive older colleague.
I said, “Don’t cry over skilled milf.”
I just found out there’s a person inside Iron Man.
It was a Stark realization.
Joke
You could view the cross on the cover of the Holy Bible as a big time spoiler….
There is a horse. The horse says “I don’t think.” and disappears.
This is a reference to the Descartes quote "I think, therefore I am." But if I had explained that earlier, it would have been putting Descartes before the horse.
The teacher asked, “Name three famous Poles!”
Tommy proudly answered, "North, South and Tad!"
“Knock-knock.” “Who’s there?” “Hatch.”
"Hatch who?" "Bless you!" Source: my 6yo at dinner tonight
The President of the United States saves the economy from the COVID-19 slowdown.
https://ift.tt/3ac8Pj8