I’m still single on Star Wars Day…
Apparently I’ve been looking for love in Alderaan places.
What do you call someone who cleans a vaccum cleaner?
A vaccum cleaner.
i just invented a new word
its called Plagiarism
What’s everyone doing next month?
Cause I’m not sure – I don’t have 2020 vision. You’re welcome, Dad
What’s the best time of day?
6:30. Hands down.
A man returns home early from work one afternoon to find his wife spread out on the bed naked, puffing and panting.
“What are you doing?” the man inquires. “Err,” she stammers back. “I… um… I think I’m having a heart attack!” “Oh,” cries the gullible husband, “quick, I’ll call an ambulance!” He runs downstairs, picks up the phone and begins dialing 911, when his son Johnny appears, sobbing his little heart out. “What’s the matter, son?” asks the father. “Uncle James is in the closet with no clothes on, Daddy,” replies his tearful toddler. Enraged, the man runs back upstairs, flings open the wardrobe and finds his brother there absolutely naked, just as his son had said. “You bastard, Jim,” screams the man. “My wife is over there having a heart attack and you’re running around naked scaring Johnny!”
A limbo champion walks into a bar
He's disqualified
I wrote a novel about a man who grows younger every time he masturbates.
It's a coming of age story.
bert: “do you want some ice cream?”
ernie: "sherbert"
What do you call a chubby midget?
Low fat.
Remember when plastic surgery was a taboo subject?
Now you mention Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow…
In heaven, there were two huge signs. The first read, Men Who Did What Their Wives Told Them to Do….
The line of men under this sign stretched as far as the eye could see. The second sign stated, Men Who Did What They Wanted to Do. Only one man stood under that sign. Intrigued, St. Peter said to the lone man, “No one has ever stood under this sign. Tell me about yourself" The man shrugged and said, “My wife told me to stand here.”
Apparently babies start walking at around 1.
Well, it's 2:30 now and she hasn't walked at all
I want to hear 99 people sing “Africa” by Toto…
…It's something that a hundred men or more could never do
What is Greta Thunbergs favourite country?
MadAtGasCar
What’s the national bird of Syria?
American drone.
What is an opinion without 3.14?
An onion.
Why are so many plants transgendered?
Because plants have less stygma to stamen.
I gave the lawn a good cut today.
20% of everything all the money we stole.
Did you know you should always take an extra pair of pants golfing?
Just in case you get a hole in one.
I just saw the worlds biggest pair of glasses
It was quite the spectacle
The police stopped me, came up to my window and said;”papers”
I said "scissors, i win" and drove off. Fucker must want a re-match he has been chasing me for 30 minutes.
NASCAR bans the confederate flag?
Finally a turn in the right direction.
I will always remember the words my grandpa said right before he kicked the bucket.
"I wonder how far I can kick this bucket?"
A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach pretty much every day.
She wasn’t unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing. She would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around, then speak to them. Generally, the people would respond negatively and she would wander off, but occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money for something she carried in her bag. The couple assumed she was selling drugs and debated calling the cops, but since they didn’t know for sure they just continued to watch her. After a couple of weeks the wife asked, “Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?” He hadn’t and said so. Then she said, “Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she’s really doing.” Well, the plan went off without a hitch, and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave. The man walked up the beach and met his wife at the road. “Well, is she selling drugs?” she asked excitedly.” “No, she’s not.” he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have. “Well, what is it, then?” his wife fairly shrieked. The man grinned and said. “Her name is Sally and she’s selling batteries.” “Batteries?” cried the wife. “Yes,” he replied. “Sally sells C cells by the Seashore.”
I’ve done some terrible things for money.
Like getting up early to go to work.
Why do anti vaxxers hate vaccine jokes?
They never get them
What do you say to your sister when shes crying?
Are you having a crisis?
