“I’m sure my wife won’t like this”
While riding my motorbike, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head.
Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay?"
As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low-cut blouse with cleavage to die for…
"I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.
She said, “Get in and I’ll take you home, so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.”
"That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!"
"Oh, come now, I’m a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."
Well, she was pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."
We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."
"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"
"Still in the ditch with the motorbike, I guess."
Why did the banker leave his job?
because he lost interest
Does someone recognize the icons in this video and understand what the hell is going on?
https://ift.tt/2XA3Raj
Did you know you can get paid for sleeping?
It’s a dream job
I like you, in a plutonic way.
"Don't you mean 'platonic'?" No, plutonium, like radioactive exposure, the longer I'm with you the more I feel like dying.
Know what’s remarkable?
Whiteboards.
What did 2 tell 3 when he saw 6 acting like an idiot?
Don’t worry about him. He’s just a product of our times.
A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore, she kept staring at him. She finally overtook him at the checkout and she turned to him and said…
"I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son." He answered, "That's okay." "I know it's silly, but if you'd call out, 'Good bye, Mom' as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy." She then went through the checkout and as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out, "Goodbye Mom!" The little old lady waved and smiled back at him. Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to pay for his groceries. "That comes to $121.85." said the clerk. "How come so much! I only bought 5 items." The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your mother said you'd be paying for her things too."
There’s no way video games cause violence.
If they did, school shootings would involve a LOT more tea bagging.
An employee was leaving the office late one evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
“Listen,” said the CEO, “this is a very sensitive and important document here and my Secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work?" “Certainly,” said the employee. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper and pressed the start button. “Excellent, excellent!” said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. “I just need one copy.”
Why can’t trees time-travel?
Because travelling through time petrifies them!
Three pilots died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates…..
'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.' The Army helicopter pilot thumbed through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said. It did make light; you may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said The Navy C-2 pilot reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.' Saint Peter said, 'they had a ring to them, you may pass through the pearly gates'. The Air Force fighter pilot started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women'spanties.. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?' He replied, 'These are Carols.' And So The Christmas Season Begins. . .
Why does keeping tropical fish in your home have a calming effect on the brain?
Because of the indoor fins…
Christen Joke
Mother Superior: "Sister Maria, if you walk through town at night, and you're accosted by a man with bad intentions, what would you do?" Sister Maria: "I would lift my habit, mother Superior." Mother Superior (shocked): "And what would you do next?" Sister Maria: "I would tell him to drop his pants." Mother Superior: (even more shocked) "And what then?" Sister Maria: "I would run away. I can run much faster with my habit up than he with his pants down."
Why did Dracula lie in the wrong coffin?
He made a grave mistake.
I used to think I understood the Dunning-Kruger effect…
but the more I look into it, the less sure I am.
I hope Death is a woman.
That way it will never come for me.
Many people think the forbidden fruit in the Garden of Eden was an apple or fig, but many scholars now think it was, surprisingly, a mango.
For God said to Adam on that infamous day: "Now that you have partaken of the fruit, Man, GO!"
Due to reposts I now try to guess the punchline before i open up a joke on Reddit. Can you guess how many I’ve gotten correct?
Bus driver. If you thought I was going to say "nun" you were probably surprised.
I told my plumber I was appalled to find my shower would only work for my Caucasian friends.
He replied, "Well, yeah. 'Spigoted."
I hope that when Kim Kardashian goes to the beach, she doesn’t swim.
The last thing we need is more plastic in the ocean.
What did the grape say after it got stood on?
Nothing, it just started wine-ing
“I’m sorry, we don’t serve time travelers here.”
A time traveler walks into a bar.
Velcro is such a rip-off
No text found
Got laid off today, boss hadn’t removed me from all chats, so I left on my own terms.
https://ift.tt/2VuzQKk
If I had a dollar for every time I got distracted
I wish I had a pony.
I don’t understand why people are celebrating pi day.
It's irrational.
Someone threw cheese at me…
Real mature!
Thanos’ finger snap would have a greater impact if they found a way to make it seem like half the audience disappeared.
Apparently only DC movies can do that.
This one is a little bit political,I hope that doesn’t break any rules
Taiwan:I am China China:No I am China Taiwan:Ok then I am Taiwan China:No you are China
My forehead is very lenient with my eyebrows.
It gives them a lot of wiggle room.
Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates…
The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time. After three years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area. Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over. The warden was thinking of remodeling his kitchen and in fact had done much of the work himself. But he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and a large counter top, which he had promised his wife. So he called Andy into his office and asked him to complete the job for him. But, alas, Andy refused. He told the warden, "Gosh, I'd really like to help you but counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first place."
i was going to say a joke about a blunt spear
but i don't see the point
The difference between o and O
Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking dope. The judge says : "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance instead of jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others of the evils of drug use. I'll see you back in court Monday." On Monday , the judge asks the first guy : "How did you do over the weekend?" "Well , your honor , I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever." "Seventeen people? That's wonderful . How did you do it ?" "I used a diagram , your honor . I drew two circles like this : Oo. Then I told them that the big circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is your brain after drugs." "That's admirable ," says the judge. Then he turns to the second guy. "And how did you do?" "Well, your honor , I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever." "Wow!" says the judge. "156 people.! How did you manage to do that?" "Well , I used a similar diagram," the guy says. "I drew two circles like this : oO. Then I pointed to the little circle and said : 'This is your asshole before jail"…
