Im sure she meant well…
Everyone denies it, but I’m sticking to my guns.
is that when you're done it's easy to clean the floor: you're already half way through. (Might as well have been a "dirty" joke.)
He always catches the snitch
I guess thats whats I deserve for having a Pure bread dog
with a sea-saw
The lab tech says to him, "I'm sorry, sir, but there has been a bit of a mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent the samples from your wife to the lab, the samples from another Mrs. Smith were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your wife's. Frankly, that's either bad or terrible." "What do you mean?" "Well, one Mrs. Smith has tested positive for Alzheimer's disease and the other for AIDS. We can't tell which is your wife." "That's terrible! Can we do the test over?" asked Mr. Smith. "Normally, yes. But you have an HMO, and they won't pay for these expensive tests more than once." "Well, what am I supposed to do now?" "The HMO recommends that you drop your wife off in the middle of town. If she finds her way home, don't sleep with her."
Don't you think they are taking "Social Distancing" a bit too seriously?
You might ask how i find the time It's easy it's right there next to the sage
Found out she meant trout, not Skittles
6 months later, she awakes and asks the doctor about her baby. Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl, and they are both fine. Luckily, your brother named them for you. Woman: Oh no, not my brother! He's an idiot! What did he name the girl? Doctor: Denise Woman: Well it isn't so bad, and what did he call the boy? Doctor: Denephew.
Because the pair had only ever been on rotten dates.
They now yell "Donald, duck!"
The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon "quickie " with their 8-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities… "There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he shouted.He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. "An ambulance just drove by!" "Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out. "Matt's riding a new bike!" "Looks like the Sanders are moving!" "Jason is on his skate board!" After a few moments he announced… "The Coopers are having sex. Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed. Dad cautiously called out…"How do you know they're having sex?" "Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Popsicle."
Because Recycling old shit is what Redditors do best . P.S.A – Do recycle ♻
No guy has ever gotten kicked in the nuts, and then a couple years later says, “You know, I’d like another one.”
I replied “what’s wrong? you don’t like inside jokes?”
Texas Instruments of Torture.
Yes we arson
Smoking Bacon will Cure it.
But I've never had any beef with them.
You would think it'd be ARR and B, but it turns out he's very into hip hop.
A lifetime ban from the petting zoo.
It’s a dart board on a ceiling.
You have the recommended six feet between you.
"Maybe a career as a tour guide isn't right for me?"
"You've got a rare disease and you've only got 6 months to live," the doc tells him. The patient is incredulous and tells the doctor he's going to get a second opinion. He finds another doctor a few days later and after a battery of tests, this doctor gives him the same bad news. Patient is in shock and asks if there's anything he should do. The doctor pauses a moment and says, "Can I give you some non- medical advice?" "Sure, anything, Doc. I'm desperate! " "Are you religious? the doctor asks. "Not at all," says the patient. "Well," says the doctor, "I encourage you to join the Mormon church. Go to every service, get involved with every group and small organization you can and completely immerse yourself into that religion. I mean, EVERY aspect of it you can." The patient perks up and is feeling hopeful. "Will that extend my life?!" "No," says the doctor, "But it'll be the longest fucking 6 months you've ever had."