A slice of apple pie is $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas.
Those are the pie rates of the Caribbean
How do you get a guitar player to stop playing?
Put a piece of sheet music in front of him.
Why don’t Jews eat pussy?
It's too close to the gas chamber. Edit: Jesus Christ, look at that, I got silver! Not 30 pieces, but anyway.
Bad Hitler puns are inführeriating.
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I was a bit depressed so I surrounded myself with positive people
Now I am at the hospital.
Why should you just be honest to fat people?
Because if you sugarcoat the facts, they'll eat them too.
How do you know when a joke becomes a dad joke?
When it’s full groan.
where are noses made?
at the ol factory
What do you call a Chameleon who can’t change colours?
A reptile dysfunction!
Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
because if they flew over the bay, they'd be bagels.
Why do cow milking stools only have three legs?
Because the cow has the udder.
Whats the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with boob implants?
One is a crusty bus station the other is a busty crustacean
What do you call a row of bunnies walking backwards
A receding hareline
I’ve fallen in love with a pencil and we’re getting married
I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B
Two goldfish are in a tank.
One says to the other, "do you know how to drive this thing?"
I ordered a thesaurus online, but when it arrived and I opened it, the whole book was empty, all pages blank!
There are no words to describe how mad I am!
A young doctor moved out to a small community to replace an older doctor who was retiring.
The older doctor suggested that the young one accompany him on his house-call rounds, so the community could become used to a new doctor. At the first house a woman complained, "I've been a little sick to my stomach." The older doctor said, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick." As they left, the younger doctor remarked, "You didn't even examine that woman!" and then asked, "How did you come to the diagnosis so quickly?" "Ah! You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what has probably been making her sick." The younger doctor replied, "Pretty clever! If you don't mind, I think I'll try that at the next house." Arriving at the next house, both physicians spent several minutes talking with a younger woman. She said that she just didn't have the energy she once did and said, "I'm feeling terribly run-down lately." "You've probably been doing too much for the church," the younger doctor told her. "Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps." As they left, the elder doctor said, "I know that woman well. Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, as she is very active in the church." Then he asked, "But how did you arrive at it?" "I did what you did at the last house. I dropped my stethoscope and when I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the pastor under the bed.
I wanted to be a monk…
But I never got the chants.
My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60
Now he's 97 years old and we have no idea where the hell he is
If I won $298 million I’d donate a quarter of it to charities…
I'm not sure what I'd do with the other $297,999,999.75 though.
I met a cow who really didn’t want to pay
I guess you could call him a cheap-steak.
What did one hat say to the other?
You stay here, I’ll go on ahead.
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
Three old and deafening men were hanging out at a bar.
The first says: “Windy isn’t it?” The second says: “Wednesday? Isn’t it Thursday?” The third says: “Thirsty? Let’s order some drinks!”
A woman sent two ties to her son in law.
Some weeks later, she invited him and her daughter over for dinner and in an attempt to impress his mother-in-law, the son-in-law wore one of the ties she’d sent him. The meal was extremely tense and uncomfortable with the mother-in-law maintaining a stony silence. Finally she spoke, “Alright then, what was wrong with the other tie?”
I trapped a couple of vegans in my basement.
Well, at least I think they're vegans. They keep shouting : "Lettuce Leaf!"
My father and I were leaving our hotel room in Iraq and he almost forgot his suitcase
I said "Don't forget your Baghdad"
The flight attendant sees a suspicious looking couple on board, so she reports it to the Captain immediately.
"Sir, I think we have a case of human trafficking! There is a very pretty, hot and sexy female passenger on board, who looks quite frightened and the man she is with is a fat old slob who looks like a lecher, very sullen, mean and dangerous!" The captain responds, "Patricia, I've told you this before. This is Air Force One…"
Communism jokes aren’t funny
Unless everyone gets them
Why did the writer have his desk next to the window?
He liked to feel the draft coming in.
What’s the least spoken language in the world?
Sign language
I cut down a Christmas tree today. My wife asked me if I was going to put it up myself.
I said: “Of course not. I was going to put it up in the living room.”
I’ve been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper.
To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.
How does music say goodbye
Audios
I won’t vaccinate my children
I will have the doctor do it.
My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing him.
Went out. Had a few drinks. Nice guy, he's a web designer
My grandma died peacefully, 93, in the chair. Nice way to go.
The dentist shit himself, though.