I’m tired of all of these people just taking screenshots and adding a shitty caption just to make it a meme.
She said, “I think the baby is coming” Me: I don’t think he can get in. He will be underage.
Because they are ICE-O-LATED
Me: That's a whisk I'm willing to take.
That’s chicken, beef and vegetable. Soon I will be a bouillionaire!
So now we call him Dav
"Nice Jimmy Choo."
He sure axolotl questions!
"You're a blizzard, Harry"
But it snot.
The Chinese authorities refuse to recognize Ty Won.
They’re always assembling
But he never laughs at any of them.
Once a DOCTOR and an ENGINEER entered a chocolate store… While they were busy looking around,doctor stole 3 chocolate bars… As they left the store, doctor said to Engineer : "Man! I'm the best thief ever, I stole 3 chocolates and no one saw me. You can't beat that" Engineer replied: "You wanna see something better? Let's go back to the shop and I'll show you real stealing" So they went to the counter and Engineer said to the Shop boy: "Do you wanna see magic..?" The Shop boy replied: "Yes..!!!" Engineer said: "Give me one chocolate bar!" The shop boy gave him one, and he ate it… He asked for the second, and he ate that as well.. He asked for the third, and finished that one too… The shop boy asked: "But where's the magic..?" Engineer replied: "Check in my friend's pocket, and you'll find them..!!!"
In case they have to draw blood.
Me: "Why?" Bouncer: "I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline."
My dad passed away last year because my family didn’t know blood type in time for the doctors to do a transfusion.
As he was dying he kept saying "be positive" but it's hard without him.
My parents were very against the idea of me getting a tattoo. Eventually they conceded and said that I just had to make sure I got one somewhere not important.
Bit of a pain to travel to Ohio just for a tattoo.
… I tell them, "Why yes, I Excel at it" and when they say, "Well, can you help me do this?" Me: "Word."
So I sent him a “get well soon” card.
It's a sweet role!
This is as close as I could get.
Some of my friends have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves…
…but I don't like to point fingers…
but there was no concrete evidence.
We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. He wants to be a web developer.
"Yes we arson…"
Got away with murder.
To cover its butt quack.
One asks, do you smell fish?
The day before Thanksgiving, a guy in Phoenix calls his son in New York and tells him,”Son, I’m really sorry but I have to tell you that your mother and I are splitting up. We can’t live with each other any more.”
The son is distraught and shouts down the phone at his father, "Pop, what are you talking about?" The father replies, "It's just that we can't stand the sight of each other any more. And I'm sick of talking about this, so will you call your sister in Chicago and tell her?" The father than hangs up, and the son frantically calls his sister, who's equally distraught and exclaims, "Like heck they're getting divorced! Leave it to me, I'll take care of this." So she calls her father and shouts down the phone at him, "You are NOT getting divorced! Don't you dare to do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't you dare do a thing about this. Do you hear me?" She then hangs up, at which point the father hangs up his phone, turns to his wife and says, "Okay dear, they're both coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way."
He takes the art out of rap artist
A pack of feral hogs
…for Ash Wednesday.
But they only became more sluggish
Me and my wife stopped talking for weeks after we blamed each other for not defrosting the refrigerator.
Finally, I decided to break the ice.
They’re making all the headlines…
they just finished a 31 day March.