I’m trying to find out what the lowest rank in the army is
But everyone keeps saying it's private
The odds were against me.
She raised her right arm revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink? The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, a bleary-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, "Give the ballerina a drink! The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them revealing the same hairy armpit and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink? Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another drink!" The bartender approached the little drunk and said, "I say, old chap, it's none of my business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her 'the ballerina' ?" The drunk replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina."
It's like they didn't carrot all.
He just can’t part with it.
I won't miss you.
But to me, March 14th will always be cake day.
A silent knight.
Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar. Every time I have pessimistic thoughts, I put a dollar in…
It’s currently half empty…
Because they have 2 shifts.
That's their words, not mine.
Doctor: “I’m afraid you’ve got an umdiddleyumdiddleyumdiddley eye”
With a sea saw
Because good habits are hard to maintain and bad habits are hard to break.
I told him "you're not going to find what you're looking for."
It scares the shit out of their dogs.
My friend asked me if I wanted to hear a really good Batman impression, so I said go on then. He shouted, “NOT THE KRYPTONITE!” and I said, “That’s Superman…”
"Thanks, man," he replied, "I've been practising a lot."
If you don't have one, you have to unload by hand
The man answers: "Wow, how did you know?" Cashier: "Because you're ugly."
Look for fresh prints
It's like luck, but with more force.
Such a nice jester.
You just can’t have anyone cashew.
I have contacts.
Because it was two-tired
He disappeared without a tres
I went to return it and they gave me another one free of charge.