I’m trying to form a really good pun about yoga, but it isn’t working out.
I know, it was a stretch.
I bought some bird seed today
I wonder what kind of birds they will grow into.
My dad’s star sign was cancer which is ironic considering how he died
He was attacked by a giant crab
Trump supporters in a nutshell. This is why America is the way it is right now
https://ift.tt/2vUEW7E
An old man placed an order for one hamburger, french fries and a drink. He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife…
He then carefully counted out the french fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering. Obviously, they were thinking, "That poor old couple…all they can afford is one meal for the two of them." As the man began to eat his fries, a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine, they were used to sharing everything. People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink. Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said, "No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything." Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked, "What is it you are waiting for?" She answered, "THE TEETH!"
Scientists turn back time…
…end up with 'emit'.
Boy George has 5 reddit accounts and likes to switch between them.
He's a karma-karma-karma-karma-karma-chameleon.
Everybody at our wedding cried
Even the cake was in tiers
This year, I gave up using spreadsheets for 40 days.
It is Excel Lent.
I had a vasectomy so my wife wouldn’t get pregnant..
..but apparently all it does is change the colour of your baby.
Why don’t ants catch colds?
They have tiny anty bodies.
I went to my local tobacconist to discover that it has been replaced by a clothing store…
Clothes, but no cigar.
I just bought a pair of shoes from a drug dealer
I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops.
On my desk, I have a work station.
Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward.
That’s how I roll
It’s kind of silly we’re trying turning plants into burgers
Haven’t cows been doing that for like, forever?
My grandpa started walking 5 miles a day when he was 60…
Now he’s 97 and we have no idea where he is
How many bones are in your hand?
About a handful
My wife just threw away my favourite herb.
She's such a Thyme waster
Two Arab guys move to the US, and they have a friendly bet as to who would become more “Americanized” in a year.
After a year, the first guy: I just dropped off my kids at baseball practice, and I’m taking him to McDonalds later. The second guy: Fuck off, towelhead!
A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, “I would like to buy some cyanide.”
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?" The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband." The pharmacists eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!" The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now. That's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
I met a girl at a club the other night & she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran a 40 yard dash in 4.8 seconds.
Mr Ed just moved next door to me a few days ago.
We’re neighbors now.
My friend was bragging that his new 3D printer can print a gun, but I’m not impressed.
I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
A priest has a heart attack, and is rushed to the hospital. He wakes up as he’s being rushed through the hospital on a gurney by two nurses. “Am I in heaven?” asks the disoriented priest.
"No" says one of the nurses. "We're just taking a short cut through the children's ward".
What do you call a short mexican?
A paragraph, because hes too short to be an esse
Did you hear William Shatner was starting his own underwear line?
But “Shatner Panties” was not a good business.
What’s the difference between a good joke and
A bad joke timing
The Silver Bullet Band is getting back together for a world tour, but without their lead singer …
Well, that's close but no Seger. Old time rock and roll never forgets.
“YOU’LL SEE! THEY’LL ALL SEE!”
– said by a very passionate eye doctor as they throw eye glasses into a crowd. (credit goes to my mom)
A slice of apple pie is $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
A wife decides to take her husband, Dave, to a strip club for his birthday
They arrive at the club and the doorman says, “Hey, Dave! How ya doin’?” His wife is puzzled and asks if he’s been to this club before. “Oh no,” says Dave. “He’s on my bowling team.” When they are seated… A waitress asks Dave if he’d like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says… “How did she know that you drink Budweiser?” “She’s in the Ladies Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them.” A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says:… “Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?” Dave’s wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else… But his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs,… Calling him every name in the book. The cabby turns his head and says, “Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave.”
The instructor in my self defence class told me that the most effective place to kick a man is near his knees.
Personally, I think it’s nuts.
