I’m unique look at me
Commas can really change the meaning of a sentence.
For example: Ben is in a hurry. Vs Ben is in a comma
How do depressed frogs die?
They Kermit suicide.
The girl at the Delta Airlines check-in desk said “Window or Aisle” ?
I replied "Window or you'll what ?"
I don’t know why they haven’t put any advertisements on the hulk
He is essentially a giant banner
How do you know so many dad jokes?
I have a dad-a-base.
My wife claims she can wax my chest hair without me feeling any pain at all.
I’m worried she won’t be able to pull it off.
Don’t use beefstew as a computer password
It's not stroganoff
I didn’t think vodka could help my problems
But it was worth a shot
What does a thesaurus eat for breakfast?
A synonym roll…
i was going to say a joke about a blunt spear
but i don't see the point
I think I’m done buying trash bags.
I always end up throwing them away anyways.
I once swallowed a whole dictionary.
It gave me thesaurus throat I've ever had.
What’s the best thing about Switzerland?
I don't know but the flag is a big plus.
I was at the hospital and I walked into a surgeon’s office
“Can I help you?” He asked. “I keep thinking that I’m a moth.” I replied. “You probably want a Psychiatrist for that.” “Yeah, I know.” He looked confused. “Then why are you here?” “The light was on.”
I can’t take my dog to the park anymore. The ducks keep attacking him.
I guess that's what I get for buying a pure-bread.
My hot as hell lesbian neigbors asked me to be to sleep with them so they could have a baby. We’ve been trying for three years now.
I haven't got the heart to tell them I got a vasectomy five years ago.
A Roman walks into a bar.
He sits down, holds up 2 fingers and says, “Five beers please.”
Dad body is just another way of saying…
Father figure
My wife told me I was terrible with directions
So I packed up my things and right
I got fired for wearing a mini-skirt to work
They said the customers complained about my hanging dick
When women reach a certain age they start accumulating cats
This is known as many paws
Today I stepped on a hipster‘s foot
Now he is a hopster
My cousin called and asked if I would loan her £300.00 to help her pay her rent.
I told her to give me some time to think about it and I would call her back. Before I called her back my aunt called, told me that my cousin was lying and not to give her the money. She goes on to say that the real reason my cousin wanted the £300.00 was to get her boyfriend out of jail so she “could be under the same roof as him for his birthday”. I was mad when I heard that, but I thought about it for a minute …decided to give her the £300.00 because we all need help at times. So, I called my cousin told her to come get the money. A couple of hours later, I get a call from the Correctional Facility. It was my cousin crying, screaming & asking why I gave her counterfeit money. My response…so you and your boyfriend could be under the same roof for his birthday!
I told my wife we could still have a threesome during this Coronavirus pandemic.
There would be six feet between us.
Why did the Duck cross the road?
Because the Chicken retired and moved to Connecticut.
My wife complains that I have no sense of direction
So I packed up my bags and right
What liquid is considered the fastest in the world?
Milk, because it can be pasteurized before you even see it.
I’ve seen a meteor shower,
but never seen a meteor take a bath.
What does a thesaurus eat for breakfast?
synonym rolls
A kid asks his mom “Mom? What is dark Humor?”
She responds: “see that man over there with no arms? Tell him to clap.” The kid replies: “but mom, I’m blind!” Mom: “Exactly.”
My local drug dealer started dressing up as a Jehovah’s Witness so he wouldn’t arouse suspicion.
He got arrested after the police saw people actually letting him in.
It Snowed last so I made a Snow man
8:00 am: I made a snowman. 8:10 – A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn't make a snow woman. 8:15 – So, I made a snow woman. 8:17 – My feminist neighbor complained about the snow woman's voluptuous chest saying it objectified snow women everywhere. 8:20 – The gay couple living nearby threw a hissy fit and moaned it could have been two snow men instead. 8:22 – The transgender man..women…person asked why I didn't just make one snow person with detachable parts. 8:25 – The vegans at the end of the lane complained about the carrot nose, as veggies are food and not to decorate snow figures with. 8:28 – I was being called a racist because the snow couple is white. 8:31 – The middle eastern gent across the road demanded the snow woman be covered up . 8:40 – The Police arrived saying someone had been offended. 8:42 – The feminist neighbor complained again that the broomstick of the snow woman needed to be removed because it depicted women in a domestic role. 8:43 – The council equality officer arrived and threatened me with eviction. 8:45 – TV news crew from ABC showed up. I was asked if I know the difference between snowmen and snow-women? I replied "Snowballs" and am now called a sexist. 9:00 – I was on the News as a suspected terrorist, racist, homophobe sensibility offender, bent on stirring up trouble during difficult weather. 9:10 – I was asked if I have any accomplices. My children were taken by social services. 9:29 – Protesters offended by everything marched down the street demanding for me to be arrested. Moral: There is no moral to this story. It is what we have become, all because of snowflakes. EDIT: For those you who seem to be angered by it, I'm saying the joke Ironically, alright? Sheesh people
Why are married women fatter than single women?
A single woman looks in her fridge, sees nothing appetizing and goes to bed. A married women looks in her bed, sees nothing appetizing and goes to the fridge.