I’m very sorry for creating this
Because they can't see shit.
.. So i had to put my foot down
He was good at finding solutions to inequalities.
That way, when you criticize them, you are a mile away and have their shoes.
He taps on the window, and finds two kids inside: a girl knitting and a boy reading a book. After a second, the boy looks up. "Evening officer." "What are you kids doing?" the cop demands, "How old are you two?" "I'm reading," says the boy, "and I'm twenty." He points to the girl. "She's knitting, and she'll be eighteen in five minutes."
Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge." "I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life." "Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, two retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?" At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You fuck her again."
We just clicked.
Dad: You have good eyesight !
You never know if there may be a salad dressing.
“Okay Fred, Shaggy and Daphne, can you name an animal that lives in Africa and has a large horn on its face?” “Rhino!”
"We know you know the answer, but it's not your turn Scooby!"
His grades were below C level.
All the passengers got scared…. Then from the other side of the plane a guy shouted back…"Hey Dave".
It's a blessing in disguise.
I was 16 minutes late for my first math lecture, 8 minutes late for the second, and 4 minutes late for the third.
At this rate, I’ll never be there on time.
Back in high school I was a big metal fan. At the beginning of the summer holidays I was at this awesome house party. It was just high school kids in the house so we were able to turn the volume way up and had a pretty awesome playlist: Metallica, Black Sabbath, Judas Priest, Iron Maiden … and probably quite a few more. As the night went on people are getting drunker and drunker and a few even disappear upstairs to hook up. I was standing in the corner by myself not really interacting with anyone else. I had spent the whole winter sitting in a damp basement in front of a computer and was probably a bit rusty. The party's heating up and this blonde girl notices me standing there and walks over to me. She had already taken her jacket off and was just wearing a tank top. This girl looked super hot. She smiles and runs her hand over me. My pole was seriously hard. Then she kneels down in front of me and as you can imagine I was already turned on at this point. She's pushing all my buttons and my head is spinning. It's not long before I blow all over her face and chest. Her boyfriend is right in the next room, she hadn't closed the door and he just saw the whole thing. He walks up to us, looking really hot under the collar. He gets right up in my face and she backs away, but she accidentally trips over my extension chord because I was a … big … metal … fan.
A four-chin teller.
Dad: what should I say instead bull- Wife: Shhh!!! Say snake instead. Dad: [whispers] this is snakeshit
Lets look at the board and I'll go through it again….
We couldn't afford a dog.
Turns out people don’t like it when you go the extra mile for them.
It’s fucking r/aww
Oh well, new year, new me!
Me: (handing baby back to him) Bring me the one my wife made
They're always plotting something.
Today I was at the bookstore; as I was wandering around, the clerk stopped me and offered to help me. I imagine I didn't look like his normal clientele, so I asked, "Do you have a copy of Donald Trump's book on his U.S. Immigration Policy regarding Muslims and illegal Mexicans?" The clerk angrily said, "Fuck off, get out and stay out!" I said, "Yes! That's the one. Do you have it in paperback?"
They are prosecuted and the judge sentences them all to 100 lashes each. However he wants to look lenient in the eyes of their respective countries so he reduces the lashes to twenty and allows them to have two requests each before being lashed. The Spanish is first to be lashed and requests a bottle of tequila and a pillow strapped to his back. They let him drink the tequila and strap the pillow to his back and then commence the lashes. After 5 lashes the pillow breaks and they keep lashing him. After the 20 lashes he's bawling and his back is horribly scarred. They haul him away to be sent back to Spain. The French man is next and he requests two pillows (one per request). After 10 lashes the pillows break and they continue with the next 10. By the end he's also horribly scarred and bawling, but not as bad as the Spanish guy. While they are hauling off the French guy the judge turns to the Brit and says "Well it's your turn now. What do you request?" The British man responds "First I want the original punishment of 100 lashes. I don't believe I should get off easy." The Judge yells "You're crazy! why would you do that?" The Brit responds "Because my next request is to have the French man strapped to my back."
There were two christian men, John and Mike, whose plane crashed into a desert. Luckily they survived unharmed. As they traveled through the hot desert looking for food and water, they gave up and sat down, thinking of what to do.
As the dust in the air settled, they suddenly could view a mosque ahead. They became very hopeful. But then John said ''Muslims are there. They might help us if we say we are Muslim.'' Then Mike said ''No way, I won't say I'm Muslim, I'm gonna be honest''. So John and Mike went to the Mosque ahead and were greeted by an Arab Muslim, who asked what their names were. John thought of a Muslim name and said, 'My name is Muhammad'. And Mike said 'My name is Mike'. The Arab man said 'Hello Mike.' And told these other men to take Mike and give him food and drink. Then he turned to John and said, 'Salaam Muhammad. Ramadan Mubarak!
Two blondes are walking down a country road. They come upon a fence along a field. One blonde looks across the field and says "Hey, look at the flock of cows!" Her friend says "HERD of cows, you dolt". And she replies "Of course I've heard of cows, theres a flock of them over there".
Son: Dad, what does doubting mean? Dad: Hmmm… I'll give you a practical example: who do you love more? Daddy or Mommy? Son: answers without hesitation Mommy Dad: ಠ_ಠ Then go ask her! She will explain! Don't bother me I aint got no time to waste!
It can write other words too.
They heard it was a mail dominated industry.. ( Possibility OC?)
They’re his watch dogs!
My son stands behind her and texts me what cards she’s got in her hand.
I just had to share it with everyone
Dad: Don't answer it. We only pick up for ranks Lieutenant Caller and higher.
He said, “No. I still have two.”
Livers are important.
He throws a cigarette off the boat and the boat becomes…a cigarette lighter