I’m way too high for this.
I just found out I’m colorblind…
It came completely out of the purple…
The pessimist sees a tunnel. The optimist a light a the end of the tunnel. The realist sees a train…
The train engineer sees three idiots on the railroad tracks.
Why are keyboards always awake?
Because they have 2 shifts.
When llamas took over the world
the result was alpacalyptic
This girl on Tinder asked me why I have an unlit cigarette in my picture.
I told her that I am looking for matches.
My wife said I had no sense of direction…
So I packed my bag and right
Knock Knock
Who’s there? Daisy. Daisy who? Daisy me rollin’ they hatin’
Why did the teddy bear say “no” to dessert?
Because she was stuffed.
A doctor heard a funny noise coming from his water heater and called the plumber.
The plumber listened for a few moments, pulled out a hammer and gave it 2 light taps. “It’s fixed,” he says and hand the doctor an invoice. “$150 the doctor screams? You were here 10 minutes – that’s $900 an hour. I’m a doctor and I only make a 3rd of that.” The plumber said,” Yeah, when I was a doctor, that’s all I made too.”
My daughter says she now identifies as a small group of words that have a collective meaning
Should I be worried, or is it just a phrase?
9/11 jokes aren’t funny
The other 2/11 are quite good though!
I applied for a job cleaning mirrors.
I can really see myself doing that.
Did you hear about the new restaurant on the mars?
The food is great but there’s not much atmosphere.
What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
Slow down, and possibly use a lubricant
If I had a nickel for every time I didn’t know what was going on…
…I’d be like “why do I keep getting all these fucking nickels?”
I just ate a frozen apple
It was hardcore
An ancient mathematical joke
https://ift.tt/2NzJIMz
When a girl changes her clothes in front of you, she’s either really interested or you’re level 99 friend-zoned
Or she hasn't spotted you in the tree yet
My first-time pregnant wife asks “why does it take so long for me to warm up?”
Without missing a beat I responded, "because you're heating for two now." I then proceeded to laugh at my own joke. I feel like I'm prepared for my future as a dad.
First joke I’ve ever come up with. So far nobody has laughed
I went to the opticians and they were telling me about revolutionary technology to allow us to see out of different parts such as our arms, nose and even our ass. Intrigued, I asked "when will this technology would be available?" The optician replied "arm and nose is coming in 2019, hindsight is 2020"
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume? Me: That’s when I went to Yale… Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
Three guys go in for a job interview.
The first guy goes in and kicks ass, best job interview he’s ever done in his life. End of the interview comes around, the interviewer says: “By the way, do you notice anything strange about me?” “Yeah,” says the guy… “You don’t have any EARS, man!” “I’m sorry, says the interviewer, but I’m very sensitive about my ears, I’m afraid you’re not the right person for this job, get the hell out of my office!” The second guy goes in, it’s the same thing, he is doing amazing, best job interview ever. Talks himself into 20K a year more than the advertised salary. End of the interview comes around, the interviewer says: “By the way, do you notice anything strange about me?” “Yeah,” says the guy… “You don’t have any EARS, man!” “I’m sorry, says the interviewer, but I’m very sensitive about my ears, I’m afraid you’re not the right person for this job, get out of my office!” So the third guy’s about to go in, but the first and second guy stop him and warn him “Hey, I don’t care how good you’re doing, how comfortable you feel, don’t say ANYTHING about his ears, he’ll throw you right out!” So the third guy goes in. Again, same thing, an AMAZING interview. End of the interview comes around, the interviewer says: “By the way, do you notice anything strange about me?” Third guy looks real close, squints his eyes a bit and says “Yeah. You wear contact lenses, don’t you?” “WOW!” says the interviewer, “That is REALLY perceptive of you! How did you know?” “Well…” Says guy three… “You sure as hell couldn’t wear glasses!”
