Imagine dying and you hear this is playing in the background
A woman fell pregnant to a horrible, violent man. She decided to leave him and raise the baby on her own, rather than have it turn out like its father, and so she moved far away and settled in for 9 months. She went to the doctor and asked him how she could make her baby nicer, and he told her to sit down for an hour a day and teach her stomach manners, to prep him or her before the baby is even born. So every day for the next 9 months, the woman would sit quietly and tell her belly "Be nice to other people, always put others first, and always say please, and thank-you." She never missed a day in 9 months, and the due date came and went, no baby! The woman continued to wait for her newborn, and continued to teach her belly manners and politeness every day, but as days, weeks, months and years passed, the baby never came! Finally, 65 years later when the woman finally passed away in her sleep, the doctors performed an autopsy on her body. They cut open her belly and found 2 little old men with big long white beards, continually saying to each other: "You go first!" "No, you go first!"
I say "Are any of those gray?" She groans and says "How do you live with yourself?" I respond " I don't, I live with your mother".
"Maybe a career as a tour guide isn't right for me?"
For example, right now you’re thinking, “It’s psychic, you idiot!”
I bet their wings would taste delicious!
She didn't know I existed
I could use a light snack.
Because he was resisting a rest.
…. it was a clear case of criminal in tent.
I said great! don't forget to slam the door on my cock on the way out Edit: Thanks for the gold, kind door slammer.
He used to chew on it so much that I can’t tell whether it’s 2B or not 2B.
That idea was immediately shot down
If it sinks, it’s a girl ant. If it floats, it’s buoyant.
One is really heavy…and the other…is a little lighter.
In a Wacondo. My son and I just came up with that joke, driving past Disneyworld.
I know because I kept a log
"I feel it's my duty to provide you with the best possible education, and you do not owe me anything for that. However, I want you to appreciate it. As a token, please each put $1,000 into my coffin when I die." And so it happened. His sons became a doctor, a lawyer and a financial planner, each very successful financially. When their father's time had come, and they saw their father in the coffin, they remembered his wish. First, the doctor put 10 newly printed crisp $100 bills onto the chest of the deceased. Then, the financial planner also put $1,000 there in 20 newly printed crisp $50 bills. Finally, it was the heartbroken lawyer's turn. He reached into his pocket, took out his checkbook, wrote a check for $3,000, put it into his father's coffin, and took the $2,000 cash. The lawyer is now running for Congress, possibly in your district.
Because you’ll get Jurass kicked..
I found a wallet and there was a fresh 100 dollar bill. I asked myself, what would have Jesus done? So I turned it into wine.
I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.
It'll come back to bite you.
They let out little prosti-toots
Who's there? "Dishes" Dishes who? "Dishes Sean Connery"
They’re better than regular plane crashes, because there’s no loss of life. If you’re flying an rc plane, you never had a life to begin with.
I have a phone, a laptop and a few chairs
The bartender says "Hey!" Then the horse replies "Sounds good!"
…for Ash Wednesday.
He didn’t even finish his sentence.
A garbage truck.
It's a one-liner
I've heard there is 8 stories.
About the snake that fell down on a drum? Ba-dum tsss
Put a little boogie in it
I’ve told her not to get her hopes up for her birthday. “After all,” I said, “The celebrations are only going to last half a minute.” “What are you talking about?” she asked. I said, “It’s your thirty-second birthday.”
The secret service isn’t allowed to yell “Get down!” anymore when the president is about to be attacked.
Now they have to yell "Donald Duck!"