Imagine having a girlfriend

If i had a dollar for every girl that didn’t find me attractive,
they'd eventually find me attractive.
I scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked
I don’t know what scared him more, the fact that I was naked, or that I knew where he lived
I’ve been accused of being a plagiarist.
Their words, not mine.
How do you get Trump to change a lightbulb?
Tell him Obama put it in
A murderer who had poisoned his victims with iron supplements eventually and inadvertantly poisoned himself.
When he realized his mistake, he immediately called the police and confessed to all of the killings before laying down upon his death bed awaiting his own end, the same end that he had inflicted upon so many others. News media quickly came to the hospital and the killer was eventually asked two questions by two seperate reporters, one question following the other so quickly that he could not respond to the first before hearing the second. The first reporter asked, "How did the coffee taste that tipped you off into realizing you had poisoned yourself?" Where the second reporter blurted out, "How would you describe this situation where you have killed yourself by the very means you used to kill others?" The murderous man only responded once before breathing his last breath: "Irony," he replied.

Realizing you just fucked up 5 hours of work on a PCR with one pipetting error
https://ift.tt/2Q6v69U
What kind of music should you listen to while fishing?
Something catchy!
Why do Afghans have to listen to the radio?
Because of the tele-ban
As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop,he sees a $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: “5 lamb chops, please.”
As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop,he sees a $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "5 lamb chops, please." Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth,and quickly closes the shop. He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus-stop. The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus. The butcher follows, dumbstruck. As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery. After awhile he stands on his back paws to push the "stop" bell, then the butcher follows him off. The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the step. He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!- against the door. He does this again and again. No answer. So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, beats his head against a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door. A big guy opens it and starts cursing and shouting at the dog. The butcher runs up and screams at the guy: "What the hell are you doing? This dog's a genius!" The owner responds, "Genius, my ass……… It's the second time this week he's forgotten his keys!
My cousin tries to keep posting jokes on this sub, but gets repeatedly banned by the mods.
He’s my cousin, twice [removed].
Get a bunny.
It'll put hare on your chest.
A cop pulls over an old lady for speeding on a highway. He asks for her driver’s license and registration.
When she opens her wallet, he notices a conceal-carry permit. He asks, “Ma’am, do you have a weapon in your possession at this time?” She responds that she has a .38 Special in her purse. And a .45 in her glove box. And a 9mm Glock in the center console. And a shotgun in the trunk. “Jesus, lady,” says the cop. “What are you so afraid of?” The old lady looks him in the eye and says, “Not a fucking thing.”
What does a thesaurus eat for breakfast?
A synonym roll…
How can you get the attention of a pervert?
Mark the post with an NSFW tag
I always knock on the fridge before I open it
Just in case there's a salad dressing
A mom was cleaning her twelve-year-old son’s bedroom.
Under the bed she found some serious bondage gear and other fetish material. Horrified, she asks the dad what should they do with him. Dad:"Well I'm no expert but I wouldn't fucking spank him."
While blending home cooked baby food for my 5 month old this morning I turned to my wife and said,
“I’ve done it! I’ve accomplished whirled peas!”
Dad: I’m giving all your toys to the orphanage
Kid: Why are you doing that? Dad: So you don't get bored there.
Boobs are like legos
They're really for the kids, but the dads always end up playing with them
Why can’t you ever find vodka in a Jedi bar?
Only the Sith deal in Absolut.
I told my daughter, “Mom keeps asking me if I’m an Alice in Wonderland character and it’s getting really annoying!” She asked, “Are you mad at her?”
“Geez! Don’t you start too!” I screamed.
Dad jokes are important
They are a big part of pop culture
If you ever become depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before going to sleep…
That'll give you a reason to get up in the morning
I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage
The zookeeper told me it was bread in captivity
Why is the mens bathroom always on the left?
Because women are always right.
A man is on a stretcher, being prepped for surgery.
The surgeon walks in, takes a deep breath and says: “Okay, David. This is a simple operation.” The man says: “My name isn’t David.” The surgeon replies: “No, it’s my name.”
I gave all my dead batteries away today…
Free of charge
I think my family is racist
I've been nervous for weeks, but I finally decided to introduce them to my Spanish girlfriend My kids refused to talk to her and my wife started crying and told me to pack my things
My neighbor just got arrested for growing weed in his back yard.
Apparently my property line isn’t where I thought it was.
My dad asked me the other day: “Are you even listening to me?”
Which is a really weird way to start a conversation if you ask me.
People keep telling me I’m the worst mailman they’ve ever seen.
Shit, I meant to post this somewhere else.
The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve.
It was an apple but with extremely limited memory. Just 1 byte. And then everything crashed.
A third-grade class is on a field trip to the museum when they come across a mummy exhibit. The display has a sign in front saying, “2982 BC.”
One of the kids asks his friend, “What do you suppose that means?” His friend thinks for a few seconds, then concludes, “It must be the license plate number of the car that hit him.”
CSI Alabama was a failure . . .
. . . all of the DNA is too similar and there are no dental records.
What do you call a small mother?
A minimum.
“What is your name, son?
A student visits the principal's office. The principal asks: "What is your name, son?" The student replies: "D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir." Then the principal asks: "Oh, do you have a stutter?" Student answers: "No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was an asshole."
myspacebarhasarestrainingorderagainstme
nowicanonlygotofacebookbar
ONE GERMAN, ONE JAPANESE AND A HILLBILLY WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA.
Suddenly, there was a beeping sound. The German pressed her forearm and the beeping stopped. The others looked at her questionly. "That was my pager," she said. " I have a microchip implanted under the skin of my arm." A few minutes later, a phone rang. The Japanese woman lifted her palm to her ear. When she finished, she explained, " that was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand." The HILLBILLY woman felt decidedly low tech. Not to be outdone, she decided she had to do something just as impressive. She stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom. She returned with a piece of paper hanging from her behind. The others raised their eyebrows and stared at her. The HILLBILLY woman finally said, "Well, will you look at that, I'm getting a FAX."
Some guy just said he was going to attack me with the neck of a guitar.
I said “Is that a fret”
A man is walking the Las Vegas strip, and runs into the most beautiful women he has ever met.
He starts talking to her, and to his luck he finds out she is a prostitute. So, he asks her. "How much for a hand-job?" "$5,000" she replies. "$5,000?? You must be nuts, no way." "Walk with me." She replies. He agrees and they walk for a moment to end up in front of a restaurant. "You see this restaurant? I own this restaurant because men pay me $5,000 for hand jobs." He ponders for a moment. "Damn, they must be pretty good then. Alright." He brings her back to his hotel room. Gets the hand job, and as advertised; it is the best hand job he has ever had. After he finishes, he realizes how perfect she is and asks. "Okay, that was awesome. How much for a blow job?" "$15,000" she replies. "$15,000?!? You are out of your mind. No way!" He shouts "Come to the window." They walk to the window and she begins to point. "You see those three casinos? I own those casinos because men pay me $15,000 for blow jobs." "Fine, how can i say no?" Once again, it is the best blow job of his life. He is writhing in ecstasy after finishing, and practically in love with this woman. "Okay, I am gonna regret this. How much for the pussy?" "Come to the window." He follows her to the window, ready for anything. "Do you see all of Las Vegas?" She asks. "No way! You own all of Las Vegas?!" He exclaims, astounded. "No.." she looks down. " But I would if I had a pussy…"