Imagine having a girlfriend
The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent!
…but his brother Frank was a monster.
He starts looking around, but after a couple minutes is empty handed At this point, the librarian came and asked, “Are you looking for anything in particular?” The man says, “Yeah, I’m looking for that new book about small penises” The librarian thinks for a second, then responds, “I don’t think it’s in yet” He nods back, “Yep, that’s the one”
They just hold it in, and it comes out as drama
… its where i flip your MOM over im sorry
Because they’re scared of Wales
One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter.
I went to my girlfriend’s house expecting to see her. It was my girlfriend’s sister ( very beautiful) who opened the door in a slutty dress. She asked me to enter the house and said no one is coming home for another 5 hours, she then placed her hands on my shoulders and came close to me. I stopped her and left the house. I got into my car and immediately someone knocked on the door, I looked around to see my girlfriend. And her dad, mom and sister were standing outside. I got out of my car and my girlfriend hugged me tight and said it was a test and you passed. Her parents and sister also hugged me for being a good boyfriend. Moral of the story: Always keep your condoms in the car
But since I got Parkinson's, I don't have the balls to do it anymore.
A young boy is doing his science homework, and asks his dad for help. "Dad, whats the difference between Theory, and Reality?" "Well," says the Dad. "I'll tell you what. Go ask your sister if she would fuck the man who lives next door for $500,000." So the son goes upstairs and returns a few minutes later and says to the Dad, "She said she would." "Ok son. Now go ask your mother the same thing." So the son runs into the kitchen, and asks his mother. A minute later he returns and says "She said she would too." "Well then. In theory, we're sitting on $1,000,000 here. In reality, we live with a couple of whores."
As I got on the 51st floor, the elevator attendant said “see you later, son”. I said indignantly, “don’t call me ‘son’, you’re not my dad!”
… To which the lift attendant replied, "Maybe not, but I brought you up, didn't I?"
I thought, “I can’t turn that down”
…with his crew. The usual gaggle of young Turks waits in the wings, hoping to get noticed, hoping to move up. The Godfather calls one of them over. “Jimmy, I hear good things about you. They tell me you’re serious, that you can be trusted.” Jimmy swells with pride. “I got a job I need you to do for me” “Anything you need, Godfather. Just tell me what to do.” “I want you to go back to the john, and I want you to whack off.” Jimmy’s silent for a moment. “Um… excuse me, Godfather, I coulda sworn you just told me to—“ The Godfather holds up his hand, silencing him. “Jimmy, it’s for the family.” Jimmy snaps to attention. “Got it, Godfather. For the family.” Whereupon he goes back to the bathroom. A few minutes later, he comes out, throws up his arms in a Victory salute and cries, “Mission accomplished.” Then he goes back over to The Godfather. “So, Godfather, is there anything else I can do for you?” The Godfather says, “You’re a good boy, Jimmy. I like your style.” Then he says, “Do it again.” “WHAAA—!” Jimmy starts to protest. But The Godfather cuts him short with, “Jimmy, it’s for the family.” Jimmy says, albeit dubiously, “Ok, Godfather. Whatever you say.” This time he’s gone for a bit longer. When he comes out, he’s nowhere near as enthusiastic. Still, he goes back to The Godfather and reluctantly asks, “Is there…um… you got anything else, Godfather?” The old man just stares at him, a slight smile at the corners of his mouth. Slowly, Jimmy gets the message. “Oh nooo…” The Godfather holds up one finger. “One more time, Jimmy.” This time, he’s in the John a lot longer. When he comes out, a layer of sweat coats his pasty skin. His eyes have a glassy look. He says to The Godfather in desperation, “Godfather, this thing you have asked of me: I’ve given it my all. I swear to you, Godfather, I have given everything I’ve got. There is nothing left to give.” “Take it easy, Jimmy. You done good. I got something else I want you to do.” He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a set of keys and hands them to Jimmy. “Here’s the keys to my car. I want you to drive out to the airport and pick up my daughter.”
Q. 500 bricks are on a plane. One falls off. How many are left? A. 499 Q. What are three steps to putting an elephant in a refrigerator? A. Open Door, put elephant in refrigerator, close door Q. What are four steps to putting a giraffe in a refrigerator? A. Open door, take elephant out of refrigerator, put giraffe in refrigerator, close door Q. The lion throws a huge birthday party. All the animals but one go. Which is it and why? A. The giraffe: he's still in the refrigerator Q. Sally swims across an alligator infested river and doesn't get eaten. How? A. The alligators are at the lion's birthday party Q. Sally is found dead within the next 5 minutes: why? A. She was hit by a brick falling from the sky
I said, “No. Most of them smell that way.”
When the son comes back, however, he says he's a Christian now. The father goes to his friend exasperated to explain the situation, and his friend says "that's funny, I sent my son to Israel last year, and when he came back he also said he was Christian." The two men decide they should speak to their rabbi about this, but when they explain the situation, the rabbi says "that's funny, two years ago I sent my son to Israel, and he also came back a Christian." The three men decide only God can have the answer, so they pray. The rabbi says aloud "dear God, all three of us sent our sons to Israel, and all of them came back Christian." God's voice booms down "that's funny…"
A man is showing his friend around his town. They pass a boy selling newspapers on the side of the road.
The man nudges his friend and says, "See that kid? He's got to be the stupidest kid in the whole wide world. Watch this." He walks up to the kid as his friend watches, and holds out a five dollar and a ten dollar bill. "Hey kid, pick one." The kid looks between the notes and eventually takes the five dollar bill. The man laughs and pockets the other note and walks back to his friend, still laughing. "See what I mean?" he says, shaking his head. "Every damn time. Stupid kid never learns." His friend is puzzled, but doesn't say anything. Later in the evening he decides to take a stroll alone and spots the boy again. Curiosity overcomes him, and he goes over and asks, "Hey kid, why do you keep taking the five dollar bill every time?" "Because, mister, the day I take the ten dollar bill, the game ends."
I lost and it still Hertz
Because they're so damn good at it.
We just clicked. I am sorry. So, so sorry…
I've got two half sisters.
This guy is dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there’s a beautiful redhead sitting at the next table.
He’s been sneakily checking her out ever since he arrived, but doesn’t have the courage to start talking to her. Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. His reflexes kick in and he reaches out, plucks it out of the air, and hands it back to her. The redhead is mortified. “Oh my, I am so sorry,” she says as she pops her eye back into place. “Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.” So he joins her table and they enjoy a wonderful meal together. Afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks at a bar. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap. He says yes and they return to her place. He ends up staying the night. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed at how everything has been so perfect and how incredible this woman is. He can’t believe his luck. “You know,” he said, “you are the perfect woman, are you this nice to every guy you meet?” “No,” she replies, “You just happened to catch my eye.”