Imagine having someone like you
Wait, what was my line again??
An out-of-work actor gets a call from his agent one day. "I’ve got you a job," says his agent. "That’s great," says the actor, what is it?" "Well," says his agent, "it’s a one-liner" "That’s okay," replies the actor, "I’ve been out of work for so long I’ll take anything. What’s the line?" "Hark, I hear the cannons roar" says the agent. "I love it" says the actor "When’s the audition?" "Wednesday" says the agent. Wednesday comes and the actor arrives at the audition. He marches on stage and shouts: "Hark, I hear the cannons roar". "Brilliant," says the director, "you’ve got the job. Be here 9 o’clock Saturday evening." The actor is so happy he got the job that he goes on a major bender. He wakes up at 8:30 Saturday evening and runs to the theatre continually repeating his line; "Hark, I hear the cannons roar, hark, I hear the cannons roar, hark, I hear the cannons roar." He arrives at the stage entrance, out of breath and is stopped by the guard. "Who the hell are you?" asks the guard. "I’m "hark, I hear the cannons roar." "If you’re "hark I hear the cannons roar", you’re late. Get up to makeup right now!" So he runs up to makeup. "Who the hell are you" asks the makeup girl. "I’m "hark I hear the cannons roar."" "If you’re hark I hear the cannons roar", you’re late. Sit down here." And she applies the makeup. "Now quick, get down to the stage, you’re about to go on." He dashes down to the stage. "Who the hell are you?" asks the stage manager. "I’m "hark, I hear the cannons roar."" "You’re "hark, I hear the cannons roar?" Get out there, the curtain’s about to go up." He tears onto the stage. The curtains rise, the house is full. Suddenly there is an almighty bang behind him, and the actor shouts "WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?"
An older man walks into a bar wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat and a phony beard…
He sits down and orders a drink. As the bartender sets it down, he asks, "Going to a party?" "Yeah, a costume party." the man answers. "I'm supposed to come dressed as my love life." "But you look like Abe Lincoln!" protests the bartender. "That's right. My last four scores were seven years ago."
Doctor’s Affair
A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him that she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there. "But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked. He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write "spaghetti" on the back. I'll take care of expenses." Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy. Six months went by, and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and said, "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means." The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you." Later that evening the doctor came home, read the postcard, and fell to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the hospital emergency room. The head medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest. So the wife picked up the card and read: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti – Two with sausage and meatballs; two without."
What tea do rich people buy?
Property
Why are pirates called pirates?
Because they arrrrrr!!!
Why is 1 = 0
cos 0 = 1
My pen stopped working, so I tried to make an eleven.
Apparently two ones don’t make it write.
I asked a pretty, young homeless woman if I could take her home. She smiled at me and said yes.
The look on her face soon changed, however, when I walked off with her cardboard box.
Why is it called Almond milk?
Because no one would buy it if it was called nut juice.
My uncle once had a 24-hour epileptic episode.
Now that's what I call seizing the day.
I had to turn off my carbon monoxide detector …
‘cause the constant beeping was giving me a headache and making me hallucinate
Why are iPhones like the NFL?
The Chargers suck.
Did you hear about the Dad joke sweeping the globe?
Its called the Groaner virus
What’s Jesus’s favourite hobby
Cross fit
They all laughed when I told them that one day I would discover the secrets of invisibility.
If only they could see me now.
I was sitting drinking coffee in my slippers this morning, when I thought to myself…
I really need to wash some mugs.
I spotted an albino dalmatian yesterday.
It was the least I could do
A JFK conspiracy theorist dies and goes to heaven
When he arrives at the Pearly Gates, God is there to receive him. "Welcome. You are permitted to ask me one question, which I will answer truthfully." Without hesitating, the conspiracy theorist asks, "Who really shot Kennedy?" God replies, "Lee Harvey Oswald shot him from sixth floor of the Texas School Book Depository. There were no accomplices. He acted alone" The conspiracy theorist pauses, thinks to himself, then says "Shit! This goes higher up than I thought…"
Yesterday I Spotted an Albino Dalmatian.
It was the least I could do for the guy.
I tried looking up synonyms of confusion.
But I came away with uncertainty and disorientation.
I wanted to become a doctor…
But, I just didn't have the patients…
A teenage girl was at a catholic confession booth…
Verry embarrased, she admitted that she had gotten a bit too frisky with her boyfriend the night before. Now, the priest was relatively new to this position in the church, and didnt know how to correctly assign penance for her actions, so he told her he needed to pray for a minute to hear what God had to say. After a few minutes the girl was becoming incredibly nervous, assuming that this length of prayer was sure to warrant a heavy punishment. To help ease her racing mind, she poked her head out of the confession booth and waved one of the alter boys to come over. She then asked him, "How much does the Priest usually give for a blowjob?" To which the boy replied, "Usually five bucks and a snickers!"
Yesterday a clown held a door open for me
I thought it was a nice jester
I have a Himalayan friend that told me he was going to the protests today…
… I just saw the news and I think I saw Himalayan there.
I like my women like I like my whiskey.
12 years old and mixed up with coke. Disclaimer: This is just a joke. I do not condone the practice of mixing whiskey with coke.
Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road?
Because it got stuck in a crack
What do you get when you melt the wizard of oz?
The wizard of fl.oz.
My girlfriend poked me in the eye the other day…
I stopped seeing her for a while.
What does an angry pepper do?
It gets jalapeño face.
What did the boy with no hands get for Christmas?
Gloves. Jk, he hasn’t opened it yet.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes.
Now I have Heinzsight.
I just found an origami porn site…
… but it’s paper view only.
My wife left me because she thinks I’m too insecure…
No, wait, she's back. She was just making a cup of tea.