Imagine only acting like a particle
Me and my mates are in a band called Duvet.
We’re a cover band.
Non-essential employee then proceeds to exacerbate crisis by speaking and toilet tweeting
https://ift.tt/3c4cxwa
A boy is watching TV with his father when a sex scene comes on.
"Well son, time for bed," the father says. "But dad, I'm 16 now!" the son complains. The father replies, "I don't care how old you are, you're not watching me masturbate."
Ordered a Stud Finder on Amazon and forgot to give them a shipping address.
Still made it to my door.
My wife got really mad at me because I don’t have any sense of direction…
So I packed my bags and right.
A slice of apple pie is $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
Doctor: Hi, my name is Juan, and I’ll be delivering your baby.
Dad: OB Juan, you’re our only hope.
I saw my son reading Fahrenheit 451, and I asked him whether he liked it.
He said, “Its pretty lit.”
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a room…
…a man enters and asks them "Can you see me?" and they respond; "Yes." "Oui." "Sí." "Ja."
What’s Forrest Gump’s Wi-Fi password?
1Forrest1 Edit: Thanks for the Silver Award
What do you call a teacher who doesn’t like to fart in public?
A private tooter.
The FBI isn’t allowed to yell “Get down!” anymore when the president is being attacked.
They now yell "Donald, duck!"
What’s the difference between light and hard?
You can sleep with a light on
When I was in college, my roommate used to clean my room, and I used to clean his.
We were maid for each other.
The CEO of a large gas station chain was arrested yesterday.
He was running a Shell corporation.
Mars: I’m wet.
NASA: I’m coming over.
Local zoo stopped giving tests
Too many Cheetahs
Mothers have Mothers day, father’s have Father’s day, couples have Valentine’s day
and I have Palm Sunday.
Why are there only 239 beans in a can?
If there’s one more, it would be too farty.
My wife yelled at me for having no sense of direction
So I packed up my stuff and right.
Why couldn’t the carpenter and the lumberjack get along
They saw things differently
You know what’s really odd?
Numbers not divisible by 2.
Arranged marriage
An Indian guy wants to get married. His parents select three girls for him, and he goes on a couple of dates with each of them. His friend asks him afterwards, “How did it go?” He says, “Well, they were all really nice. But I did something different. I gave each of them Rs. 50,000 to see how they spend it. I said surprise me when we meet after a week.” Friend: “Okay, that’s weird…But what happened when you met them after a week?” He says: “First girl bought some new clothes, make-up, and jewelry and said she wanted to look good for me.” “Second girl bought a new watch for me, and said it is your money, and I wanted to give something nice to you.” “Third girl didn’t bring anything, but said she opened an investment account, which will help grow this money and help us in the future.” Friend asked with utmost curiosity: “Well, whom are you marrying then??” The guy said “I am marrying the one with the biggest boobs”.
The best years of my life were spent in the arms of another man’s wife
Happy Mother’s Day!
Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar. Every time I have pessimistic thoughts, I put a dollar in…
It’s currently half empty…
How much does it cost a pirate to get their ears pierced?
A buck an ear.
My wife complains that I don’t buy her flowers.
To be honest, I didn’t know she sold flowers.
Knock Knock
"Who is there?" "Grandma!" "Grandma wh-, HOLY SHIT STOP THE FUNERAL!"
Son: Hey Dad, did you ever get shot in the army?
Dad: No I got shot in the leggy.
What is Yoda’s last name?
Layheehoo!
How much does Santa pay to park his sleigh?
Nothing. It’s on the house.
I just traded our luxury bed for a trampoline
My wife hit the roof
Do you know why Superman is the king of all thieves?
It's because he is the man of steel. One of my students told me he made this up and I couldn't be more proud.
SHE: Undress me with your words…
HE: There's a spider in your bra.
A heartless drill instructor screamed at his platoon for over an hour.
He got in the face of a private and yelled, “I bet when I die you’ll show up at my grave and spit on it!” “Not me,” the private said. “After I get out of the army I’m never standing in a line again.”
What do you call the wife of a hippie?
Mississippi
A horse walks into a bar…
The bartender said “Hey”, then the horse “you read my mind buddy.”
A man with a 25 inch penis…
Was having a hard time getting laid so he goes to the doctor. The doctor said “No, I’m sorry but you will have to go to a surgeon”. The man goes to the surgeon and the surgeon said “ Sorry there’s nothing I can do but you can try a witch doctor”. So the man thought at this point he might as well give it a try. So he goes to the witch doctor and the witch doctor said” Oh, that’s easy. Just climb up the Bear Mountains and go down Bear Mountains. Fog will appear then disappear. Once the fog disappear, a frog will appear on a lily pad. Ask that frog if that frog will marry you.” So the man goes up the Bear Mountains, down the Bear Mountains, fog appears, fog disappeared. A frog appears on a lily pad. The man ask the frog if he will marry him. The frog says no and the man felt a trembling and shake, looked down his pants and noticed his penis shrank by 5 inches. The man asked the frog again, “Frog, will you marry me?”. The frog again said no. The man felt the trembling and shaking again and noticed his penis shrank by 5 more inches. He thought to himself, “This is great! All I gotta do is ask the frog one more time and he will say no and I’ll have a 10 in perfect penis and every woman will want to have sex with me”. He proceeded to ask the frog one more time “Frog, will you marry me?” The frog looks up at him and said “How many times I gotta tell you? NO, NO, NO!”
What’s the difference between a politician and a flying pig
the letter “f”
