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I tried to organize a Hide and Seek tournament, but I eventually gave up.
Good players are hard to find.
Why did I get divorced?
Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!" I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said, "Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?" "Okay," I said. She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling, "SURPRISE!!!" while I was waiting on the sofa… naked.
I bought my son a fridge for Christmas.
Can't wait to see his face light up, when he opens it.
Son, have a vodka with me!
No, thanks, dad. Come, have a drink with your father! Dad, I'm 5. – Dad is shitfaced but he insists: Ok, just one shot. The kid drinks it and start crying: Ewwwww, it's disgustiiiiiiing! Ha! You see?! And your mother thinks I'm sitting here having fun! (Russian joke)
My body is nicely defined.
If you look up the word "flabby".
I met a group of highly trained Fly Killers the other day
First time I've ever seen a SWAT team.
What’s blue and not heavy
Light blue
The Pope is saddend that he never sees much of the countries he visits and decides it’s time for a change
After a visit to Berlin, the Pope decides he wants to travel to Rome by car. Off course, he didn't bring a car and so the German government seizes the opportunity to impress him with German engineering. They lend him the most powerful car they have available, with a German driver/bodyguard. And off they go! After a while the Pope ask the drive to pullover: – Young man, could you please drive along the smaller roads? I wanted to see more of the country, not the highway. – But your Holiness, this is the most efficient route. -Yes, but I don't want to take it. -Why not, your Holiness? – Like I said, because I … Oh just get out I'll drive. Now that he's driving himself and wherever he wants, the Pope is having a blast. The driver, who's now in the backseat, is somewhat disgruntled but resigns to his fate and enjoys the view. Near the Austrian border, road works lead the Pope back on the highway. And on this splendid highway, in this amazingly powerful car, the Pope starts to feel the need for speed. But that would be sinful. No no no he can't give in. At this moment, the driver pitches in 'Your Holiness, there are no speed limits on German highways'. Hearing this, the Pope unleashes his long dormant powers of a race pilot and floors it. The car almost leaps with enthusiasm that it can finally show what it can really do. As if by divine intervention all the cars in front of them give way and the car reaches its speed limit, just as it crosses the border with Austria. Within minutes the car is swarmed with police and first responders, tv helicopters are starting to circle. Seeing this Pandemonium, the Pope thinks that his free time has come to an end and pulls over. Several police officers hastily walk over to the driver’s door. The Pope lowers his window and looks up to them with a faint smile. Suddenly the police officers feel very much out of their depth and decide to call the Chief of Police: – Sir, a German car crossed the border at more than twice the speed limit and now we are not sure how to handle it. – What do you mean, you are not sure? Apprehend it! – Yes sir. We got the car sir. But it's seems to belong to someone very important. – Oh. Yes, that might complicate it. Is it a congressman? – No sir, much higher. – Higher? What did you apprehend Angela Merkel? -No, sir. We think still higher, sir. -Higher?! Bloody hell do you think it's God perhaps? – Well sir, the Pope is driving him. Edit: spelling
My account is a joke
It’s April fools and my cake day
I just found an origami porn channel
but it's paper view.
Wife: I just got stung by a jellyfish. quick, pee on it
Husband : [peeing on jellyfish] This is for stinging my wife
I just caught my son googling porn web sites, and I’m completely heartbroken.
We are strictly a Bing family.
Support feudalism!
It's your count who votes!
How do you make it so no one gets offended at the Christmas song “Baby It’s Cold Outside”?
Rebrand it as a rap song and name it, "Yo Bitch, It's Freezing Outside."
I gave my girlfriend an orgasm.
She had the nerve to spit it out on the floor.
My wife divorced me because I accidentally put it in the wrong hole
Fair enough it was her sister's but still…
ok so a stoner, a jedi, and a surgeon walk into a bar.
Blunt force trauma.
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What do you call an academic trucker?
A roads scholar.
What happens to a frog’s car when it breaks down?
It gets toad.
What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A gummy bear
What do you do if your xbox is crying?
You console it.
I bought a Christmas tree today.
The shopkeeper asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said “no, it’s going in the living room”.
I stole seven crows yesterday.
Got away with murder.
Why don’t ants catch colds?
They have tiny anty bodies.
Bartender job description
Basically you’re a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
Four Catholic Men and a Catholic Woman Were Having Coffee in St. Peter’s Square.
Four Catholic Men and a Catholic Woman Were Having Coffee in St. Peter's Square. The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'". The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'". The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence'". The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'". Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well…."? She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38D – 24 – 36 When she walks into a room people say, "Jeeeeeeeeeesssssssuuussss!"
Some of my friends have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves…
…but I don't like to point fingers…
I debated a flat earther once. He stormed off saying he’d walk to the edge of the Earth to prove me wrong.
He’ll come around, eventually.
A blowjob is not an apology
But go slow; I'm listening.
I’m so excited! Scientists have tested cloning on humans.
Im beside myself
A gang of cutlery users have turned every silent K in the world into an audible K.
Those kniving bastards.
What does a magician say when he sells his stuff
No strings attached.
I put a “Honk if you think I’m sexy” bumper sticker on my car.
My self confidence is skyrocketing! A TON of people think I’m sexy at this green light right now….
Did you hear about the 3 holes in the ground?
Well, well, well…
Q: Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants?
A: In case he got a hole in one.
Oh, you did not remember that scene? And now you feel disturbed because you are thinking that scene? Whoopsie doodle, my b.
Oh, you did not remember that scene? And now you feel disturbed because you are thinking that scene? Whoopsie doodle, my b.
A Jewish man decides his son isn’t religious enough, so he pays for him to go visit Israel…
When his son comes back, however, he says he's now a Christian. Exasperated, the man goes to his friend for advice, but his friend says, "that's funny, I sent my son to Israel last year and when he came back, he also said he was Christian." The two men decide to speak to their rabbi about this, but when they explain the situation the rabbi says, "that's funny, two years ago I sent my son to Israel, and he also came back a Christian." The three men decide only God can have the answer, so they pray. The rabbi says aloud "dear God, all three of us sent our sons to Israel, and all of them came back Christian." God's voice booms down, "that's funny…"
My son just threw a milk carton at me
How dairy