Immunity level Beargrylls
She said she was majoring in bye-ology.
Such a random way to start a conversation.
One girl says “the sky is definitely blue” that is wrong One boy says “the leaves are definitely green” that is wrong One boy asks “are farts lumpy?” The teacher says no, He says “then I definitely shit my pants”
Kid: WOW are you a magician? Me: no, but I have a couple of twix up my sleeve
The living room
Q: what did the scientist say when they found 2 isotopes of helium? A: HeHe
But I called her Bluff…
A carrot 🥕
Police officers are worth their weight in copper.
It's pasture bedtime
Because they have no body to go with…
It means a lot to him
A man was stopped by the police around 2 am. The officer asked him where he was going at that time of night. The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late." The officer then asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?" The man replied, "That would be my wife."
But then it grew on me.
It was a pane to replace.
He says to Putin: "I have two bits of advice for you: kill off all your opponents and paint the Kremlin blue." Putin asks, "Why blue?" Stalin replies, "I knew you would not object to the first one."
There were two white christian men, John and Mike, whose plane crashed into a desert. Luckily they survived unharmed. As they traveled through the hot desert looking for food and water, they gave up and sat down, thinking of what to do. As the dust in the air settled, they suddenly could view a mosque ahead. They became very hopeful. But then John said ''Muslims are there. They might help us if we say we are Muslim.'' Then Mike said ''No way, I won't say I'm Muslim, I'm gonna be honest''. So John and Mike went to the Mosque ahead and were greeted by an Arab Muslim, who asked what their names were. John thought of a Muslim name and said, 'My name is Muhammad'. And Mike said 'My name is Mike'. The Arab man said 'Hello Mike.' And told these other men to take Mike and give him food and drink. Then he turned to John and said, 'Salaam Muhammad. Ramadan Mubarak! (Hello Muhammad, Happy Ramadan)
He was too far out, man
Sure, we can do something about climate change now, but if we find out in 50 years that the researchers made a mistake and that climate change doesn’t really exist…
…we would have improved air quality in all major cities, gotten rid of noisy and smelly cars, cleaned up toxic rivers and destroyed dictatorships funded on money from oil for no reason.
She's an essential oil worker now.
We got pulled over and the cop wanted to know if my dad knew why. “With all due respect sir,” my dad replied…
"If you forgot, I'm not going to remind you."
He makes gunpowder for a living.
A literalist takes things literally and a kleptomaniac takes things, literally.
He stops turning the lights off in empty rooms He leaves the front door unlocked past 4pm The lines where he's mown the lawn look like a bowl of noodles When his favorite hat falls and touches the ground, he acts like it was no big deal When you ask for money he doesn't treat it like a cross examination at a war crimes tribunal His dance moves suddenly triple in number
He was a little chilly.
…He burped 7 up
FML, now I'm stuck taking care of the puppy.
I only know a whittle.
She hugged me.
We are going on vacation somewhere else next year.