impact font ;-;
I buy all my guns from a guy named T-Rex…
He's a small arms dealer
A man worked his whole life at the pickle factory. One day he came home and informed his wife that he had been fired from his job.
She was in disbelief and near tears. "20 years of your life you gave them, and this is how they repay you!", she shouted, confused. "What happened, why were you laid off?" "Well, for 20 years since I've worked there I've wanted to stick my pecker in the pickle slicer. Call it curiosity if you want. Well, today I did it, and they fired me because of it". The wife hurried over to check what damage he caused. "Well it all looks fine, doesn't seem like you hurt yourself. But what happened to the pickle slicer?" The man replied: "they fired her too!"
Why didn’t the cannibal eat the guy with no legs?
He was lacktoes intolerant.
I bought a vacuum cleaner six months ago..
and so far all it's been doing is gathering dust.
My wife told me: “Sex is better on holiday.”
That wasn't a very nice postcard to receive.
Tap this for a little known fact!
ᴷⁿᵒʷⁿ ᶠᵃᶜᵗ
And hoping I didn’t actually pack a bomb at the airpont gate
And hoping I didn’t actually pack a bomb at the airpont gate
A man gets pulled over by the police…
A man was stopped by the police around 2 am. The officer asked him where he was going at that time of night. The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late." The officer then asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?" The man replied, "That would be my wife."
I keep hearing music coming from the printer.
I think the paper is jamming.
I’ve started saying “mucho” to all of my Mexican friends.
It means a lot to them.
I boiled a funny bone once.
It turned into a laughing stock. That's a humerus joke.
Why doesn’t the Pope like trigonometry?
It has a lot of sin
Einstein: Dad, my paper on The Theory of Relativity finally got published!
Einstein’s dad: Damn son, it’s about time.
How would you spot a blind man at a nude beach?
It's not hard
Dad body is just another way of saying…
Father figure
What type of practice is Dr. Pepper?
A fizzician…
What do you call a fat psychic?
A four-chin teller
The guys loitering on the street had been trolling this kid for a couple of years.
They'd hold out a nickle in one hand and a dime in the other and ask "Which one do you want? The nickle is bigger!" and the kid would always take the nickle. One day I took the kid aside and asked him "Don't you know the dime is worth twice as much?" He said "Yeah, but if I take the dime they won't ever do it again!"
I quit my job as a scuba diving instructor the first day I was hired.
Deep down, I realized it wasn’t for me.
Did you hear about the new pen that can write underwater?
It can write other words too.
Guy at a grocery store: Are those genetically modified eggplants?
Store worker: Why do you ask? Eggplant: Yeah, why do you ask?
My son was refusing to eat dinner, so I tried to force feed him.
My wife said, “Use the fricking spoon. You are not a Jedi.”
A man goes into the confession booth and tells the priest,
“Father, I’m seventy-five years old and last night I made love to two twenty-year-old girls at the same time.” The priest says, “When did you last go to confession?” The man says, “I’ve never been to confession, Father. I’m Jewish.” The priest says, “Then why are you telling me?” The man says, “I’m telling everybody!”
Son: “Mom, Dad, I’m gay.”
Mom: Stares at Dad Dad: Clenches fist Mom: "Don't!" Dad: Sweats Profusely Mom: "…" Dad: "HI GAY, I'M DAD"
Math is like a box of chocolates
It's better to use your fingers
I just bought this cool pen that writes underwater!
it writes other words too but that's my favorite