There was an old picture hanging on the wall of me and my Brothers. It turns out that when the picture was taken, I was living in a completely different frame of mind.
No wait, she's back. She just went to get coffee
They're always up to something.
I got fired from my job because I kept asking my customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-Smoking”.
Apparently the correct terms are "cremation" and "burial"
Give it a weigh, give a weigh, give it a weigh now!!
🌽🌽🌽 He was out-standing in his field 🌽🌽🌽
My friend has it and it's serious. He got it from a tick bite… It's the first reported case of Corona with Lyme.
Unless it's 3 am in your house and you don't have children.
The artist says "That's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen" The scientist replies "Unfortunately it has no use" The artist says "Can't you just appreciate it's splendor? It has every color that exists in it" The scientist concedes "Ah, so it does have porpoise"
When they get older, two of them become adult knees.
I said, "Take your phone off silent." That's when the fight started.
An international school teacher asks a question: “What’s your own opinion on food scarcity in other countries?”
An African student responds: What’s food? A European student: What’s scarcity? An American student: What are "other countries"? A Chinese student: What’s "my own opinion"?
The diagnosis came out of the purple
Drop it in water. If it’s a girl: girl ant. If it’s a boy …
Dad: Wonderful; do you have a girl in mind?! Boy: Yes… grandma! She said she loves me, I love her, too….and she’s the best cook & story teller in the whole world! Dad: That’s nice, but we have a small problem there! Boy: What problem?! Dad: She happens to be my mother. How can you marry my mother! Boy: Why not?! You married mine!
Thanks daylight savings!
They don't know who did it, but they have a hunch.
Because it is cheaper
I said, “Mark, my words!”
Thankfully, there wasn’t a single person in there.
I’m not sure what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
Four richer, four poorer, four better and four worse…
The girl said. The boy chuckled "that's fine what made you Convert?" The girl turned and said "I feel more like a Christina than a Christian"
But to me, March 14th will always be cake day.
"Ma'am", he said, removing his hat, "I'm here about your husband. We have bad and good news". "Please, give me the bad news first", the woman replies. The officer replied: "I'm sorry, but somone stabbed your husband, cut his skin off and threw his corpse in the harbor." The woman began wailing, and crumpled to her knees. Utterly despondent she begged the cop: "Please, what could possibly be the good news?" He replied: "Well Ma'am, when we pulled him up he had 20 four-pound lobsters crawling on him. Would you like one?" Sobbing even louder, the woman shouted: "How DARE you! I've never been so insulted in my entire life!" The officer replied: "Well, if you change your mind, we're pulling him up again tomorrow morning."
I can't stand that kind of shear incompetence.
We were walking past a lingerie store, and my wife said, “I want to try on the bra in the front window.”
I said, “I think you might have to use the dressing room like everyone else.”
I can’t tell you how much this means to me.