I farted in my wallet..
Now I have gas money.
A man in a bar starts talking to a prostituteβ¦
A man in a bar starts talking to a prostituteβ¦ He says βhow much for a hand job?β She says itβs $250. He says, β $250 for a lousy hand job? Thatβs crazy!β She says, βHoney, follow me βand takes him outside. βSee that Ferrari? I bought that Ferrari just with money from hand jobs. I give the best in the world.β So he figures heβll try it, and what do you know, itβs great. Itβs a week before heβs horny again. So he goes back to the same bar and asked her about a blowjob. She says itβs $500. He thinks thatβs too much. She says, βHoney, come out back. See that mansion up on the hill? I bought that mansion with just money from blowjobs. I give the best blow jobs.β So he takes her up on it and itβs amazing. Heβs absolutely drained for a month. Now heβs obsessed and he has to go back. He finds her in the bar. Desperately, he says βI gotta know, how much for the pussy?β βOh honey,β she says, βIf I had one of those Iβd own this town.β
Wife yells from kitchen: Babe, we’re almost out of trash bags…
I yelled back: Well why do you keep throwing them away? I got a very stern look.
A mime in our town was arrested yesterday after he got into a bar fight and broke his left arm.
He still has the right to remain silent.
People think that the word ‘queue’ is just ‘Q’ followed by 4 silent letters
But those letters aren't silent, they're just waiting their turn
What’s a gay man’s favorite emoji?
π Because it puts a D right next to a colon.
The soldier who survived mustard-gas and pepper-spray….
Is now a seasoned veteran
I was thinking about the first time machine I ever built.
Ahhh, it takes me back.
Me: Can you help me get over my gambling addiction?
Therapist: You bet. Me: Yes, thatβs why I asked.
I thought this was funny
I thought this was funny
A farmer drove over to his neighborβs house and knocked on the door
A boy, about 9, opened the door. βIs your mom or dad home?β The farmer asked the boy βNo, they went in to town.β The boy replied βWell, how about your brother Howard?β The farmer asked βNo, he went with mom and dad.β The boy said The farmer stood there for a minute shifting from one foot to another and mumbling when the boy says βI know where the tools are if you need to borrow one or I could give my dad a message for you.β βWell,β The farmer said uncomfortably βI wanted to talk to your dad about your brother Howard getting my daughter pregnant.β The boy thought for a moment then said βYouβll have to talk to my dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bulls and $150 for the pigs, but I have no idea how much he charges for Howard.β
I just had a physical, the doctor said βdonβt eat anything fattyβ
I said βlike bacon and burgers?β He said βno fatty, donβt eat anything!β
The world champion tounge twister got arrested the other day
I heard they're going to give him a tough sentence
My friend is making a lot of money by selling photos of salmon dressed up in human clothes…
Itβs like shooting fish in apparel…
dating me
pros and cons of dating me pros : dating cons: me
Here’s an actual joke from my 6 year old
What is the pirates favorite part of the house? The back-yarrrrrghd! He was very proud of this joke and wanted to know if it was a good pun.
Today my dad celebrated his 62nd birthday.
It was only a minute long.
What i If told you:
You read the title wrong.
I met a pilot once who said he actually wanted to be a sailor.
He was in the wrong craft.
To be Frank
Iβd have to change my name
Orion’s belt is a huge waist of space.
Terrible joke, only 3 stars
A Woman goes to buy a Parrot. The prices are $100, $200, and $15. She asks why the last one is so cheap?
"Because he used to live in a brothel" says the shopkeeper. She pays $15. When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs. When her daughters get home the parrot says: "Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!" The girls laughs too. When the dad gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me Pete, haven't seen you for weeks!"
[German] Und was ist, wenn der neue Rammstein-Song auf dem Index landet?
Dann kannst du ihn dir nur noch von der Ursula Leyen.
Thank you student loans for getting me through college.
I donβt think Iβll ever be able to repay you.
Who can carry petrol?
Jerry can
What do you call a fake noodle?
An Impasta (First post here)
A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.
The old guy put his hands in the pockets of his expensive wool vest and said, βWell, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel.β βI invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents.β βThe next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which Iβd accumulated a fortune of $9.80.β βAfter that,β the old rich man continued, βI invested the $9.80 into a market stall so I could polish and display a lot more apples. I began making about $50 a month from then on.β βThen my wifeβs father died and left us two million dollars.β