Today, in honor of 4/20, I’m letting my entire custodial staff partake before they come to work.
It's the only day I'll tolerate high maintenance people.
There’s no such thing as Scottish people.
Either your name is Scott or it isn’t.
Knock Knock!
Who's there? Dishes. Dishes who? Dishes Sean Connery.
What do you call a closet full of lesbians?
A liquor cabinet.
Hi, I’m Robin
https://ift.tt/2BoeOlb
Heard about the man who painted his scrotum?
Pretty nuts
Whstd red…
Whats red and smells like blue paint? Red paint
Surge pricing at a fast food restaurant… what could go wrong?
Surge pricing at a fast food restaurant… what could go wrong?
On her wedding day, the mother of the bride has a talk with her daughter.
"Sweetheart," says she, "your husband-to-be is a great catch. Handsome, kind, and rich. But he's Greek. And you need to know something about Greek men in the bedroom. There will come a day, maybe soon maybe not, but the time will come when, during intimacy, he'll ask you to "roll over." When that happens, don't say another word to him. Just come straight home to me." The daughter promises that she will do as her mother asks. But she's nervous about it. The wedding goes forward without a hitch, and so does the honeymoon. The couple gets on fabulously together, in the bedroom and out. When they get home, the marital bliss continues, and the young bride discovers that she has quite a sex drive. She initiates sex even more frequently than her husband. And the bride's mother's warning never becomes relevant. On the couple's first anniversary, they have a fantastic, romantic night out. And when they get home, the have sex for a solid three hours straight. After all that, the husband leans over and whispers in his wife's ear "honey, roll over for me." The woman bursts into hysterical tears. She jumps out of bed, and begins to pack her bags. "I'm going home to my mother," she wails. "Honey, what's wrong," her husband begs. "Let me fix it," he says. "My mother warned me about yiu on our wedding day! She told me that one day you would ask me to "roll over." "Of course, darling," the man replies. "But don't you ever want to have a baby???"
I left some change in my pants pocket
Now my wife is getting accused of laundering money.
What did the robber say after blowing up Fort Knox?
Edit: Wow! This blew up! Thanks for the gold!
I previously suffered from premature ejaculation my GF got me some cream that reduces sensitivity
It 100% totally work's now i don't give a fuck about that bitch.
I just watched a documentary about beavers.
It was the best dam program I've ever seen.
Guy at the bar is so wasted that he throws up on his shirt…
He looks down and says "Man, my wife is gonna be so pissed I puked on myself again" Guy next to him says "Do what I do, I put 10 dollars in my pocket and when my wife sees me, I tell her some asshole at the bar puked on my and gave me the 10 dollars to have it cleaned" The drunk guy thinks this is an awesome solution and proceeds to get home. His wife is waiting for him and starts yelling at him "You got drunk and puked on your shirt again, didn't you?" The guy says "No, what happened is that I was at the bar and this guy puked on me, but he put 10 dollars in my shirt pocket so I can have it cleaned" Wife reaches into his shirt pocket and pulls out 2 $10 dollar bills and says "This is not 10 dollars, this is 20!" Guy says "Oh yeah, he shit in my pants too"
What do you call cheese that isnt yours..?
Oh sorry, Havarti told you this one?
I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too High
She looked surprised.
I think my microscope has ADHD.
It refuses to focus.
I dated a twin once…
I once dated a twin. My friend asked me how I told them apart. I said Stacy has a beauty mark on her right cheek. And Frank has a beard.
Scientists have been studying the effect of cannabis on sea birds…
They’ve left no tern unstoned…
If Snoop Dogg dies before pot becomes legal in the US, ….
He will be rolling in his grave.
Spent a few hours on the wife’s grave today
It cheers me up and; 2. She still thinks I'm digging a pond. [Note: Not my joke, but made me chuckle]
Did you hear about the sour grape?
All he did was wine
I once made a belt out of $50 bills
It was a waist of money
I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage
The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity!
Just watched an episode of MasterChef. The contestants had to successfully infuse a lump of meat with THC or get eliminated
I guess you could say the steaks were high
I told this girl I was talking to that I like to race cars, she asked me if I win often
I said no, the cars are much faster
Never marry an archaeologist
They're always digging up the past.
If your eyes hurt after drinking coffee
Then take the spoon out of the cup dickhead
What’s a great example of click bait?
No text found
Coughy Filter (see attached meme)
https://imgur.com/a/wi51bYh
My wife said she was leaving me because of my obsession with wearing different clothes every half an hour…
“Wait!" I shouted. "I can change!"