Improvise -> Adapt -> Overcome
A movie with a 3.14 rating is a pirated movie.
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“Welcome back, everybody” is apparently not a good way to start your speech
if you're the best man at your buddy's second wedding.
Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?
Because they are so good at it.
I got a bad thesaurus.
It was bad.
What do you call a colour that doesn’t exist?
A pigment of your imagination
Two reasons why it’s hard to solve a Redneck murder
The DNA all matches There are no dental records
What do you call a dog that does magic?
A labracadabrador
What did the digital clock say to the grandfather clock?
Look, no hands!
Wow, I just passed my probability exam.
What were the chances of that?
While golfing, I accidentally overturned my golf cart.
A very attractive golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out, "Are you okay?" "I'm okay thanks," I replied as I pulled myself out of the twisted cart. She said, "Come up to my villa, rest a while, and I'll help you get the cart up later." I noticed her silky bathrobe was partially open, revealing what appeared to be a very nice figure. "That's mighty nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife would like it." "Oh, come on now." she insisted. She was so pretty, and very, very persuasive. I was weak. "Well okay," I finally agreed, "But I'm sure my wife won't like it." After a couple of Scotch and waters, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better now. But I know my wife is going to be really upset. So I'd better go now." "Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, letting her robe fall slightly more open. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything.By the way,where is she?" I replied, "Still under the cart, I guess" …
Gonna sell custom made coffins
Slogan: Guaranteed to last a lifetime
I heard the woman who wrote Beyblade died today.
Let her RIP.
Someone once told me a story about screws, nuts and bolts.
It was Riveting.
Why did the sitcom about airplanes never take off?
it had a bad pilot
The bible is one of the best-selling books in the world.
You could say it's very prophetable.
My girlfriend asked how do I view lesbian relationships…
Apparently 1080p wasn't the best answer.
They told me i wouldn’t be good at poetry because i’m dyslexic
But so far I’ve made 3 jugs and a vase and they are lovely.
So it turns out that one of my old friends might be going blind.
He’s not looking so good.
Jesus and his disciples walk into a restaurant.
Jesus asks for a table for 26. The head waiter says, “But there’s only 13 of you.” Jesus says, “Yeah, but we’re all going to sit on the same side.”
Why can pirates not finish the alphabet?
Because they’re always stuck at “C”.
If you only sucked average sized penises…
You could accurately say that you suck a mean dick.
“You’re 1 joule per second, Harry!”
“I’m a Watt?”
Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?
They lactose.
We should have known the Soviet Union would collapse.
There were a lot of red flags.
I just ate 4 cans of alphabet soup
I’m in for an intense vowel movement later
Hey girl, are you a cop?
… because you’ve taken my breath away.
A schoolteacher explains to her class that she is a football fan.
She asks her students to raise their hands if they too, are football fans. Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl. The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, "Mary, why didn't you raise your hand? "Because I'm not a football fan, " she replied. The teacher, still shocked, asked, "Well if you are not a football fan, what sport are you a fan of? "I am a basketball fan and proud of it, " Mary replied. The teacher could not believe her ears. "Mary, why are you a basketball fan? " "Because my mum is a basketball fan, and my dad is a basketball fan, so I'm a basketball fan too!" "Well, " said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, "that is no reason for you to be a basketball fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time. What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict, what would you be then? Mary smiled, and said…………… "then I'd be a football fan."
A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment house.
While there, a stunning young woman came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes of flirting, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming." He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she sensually asked him, "What would you say is my best feature?" Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It has to be your ears." Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are a full 38 inches and 100 percent natural. I work out every day and my ass is firm and solid. I have a 28 inch waist. Look at my skin, not a blemish anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?" Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming…that was me."