…in a nutshell
How do locomotives know where they’re going?
Lots of training
They should stock ATMs better…
I went to 4 different ones and they all said insufficient funds…
A house goes to the doctor complaining about its windows.
When the doctor asks what the problem is, the house replies, "I have panes all over."
I saw a bunch of guys in black leather jackets crowded around under some trees
It seemed very shady.
The day before Thanksgiving, a guy in Phoenix calls his son in New York and tells him,”Son, I’m really sorry but I have to tell you that your mother and I are splitting up. We can’t live with each other any more.”
The son is distraught and shouts down the phone at his father, "Pop, what are you talking about?" The father replies, "It's just that we can't stand the sight of each other any more. And I'm sick of talking about this, so will you call your sister in Chicago and tell her?" The father than hangs up, and the son frantically calls his sister, who's equally distraught and exclaims, "Like heck they're getting divorced! Leave it to me, I'll take care of this." So she calls her father and shouts down the phone at him, "You are NOT getting divorced! Don't you dare to do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't you dare do a thing about this. Do you hear me?" She then hangs up, at which point the father hangs up his phone, turns to his wife and says, "Okay dear, they're both coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way."
I don’t understand why people celebrate pi day
It’s irrational.
Two windmills are in a field.
One windmill says to the other, "What type of music do you like?" The other windmill replies, "Well I'm a big metal fan"
I’m deathly afraid of elevators.
I take a lot of steps to avoid them.
I’ve started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes.
It’s all about raisin awareness.
I broke my finger yesterday…
… on the other hand, I'm okay.
David Hasselhoff walked into a bar and ordered a drink. “It’s a pleasure to serve you Mr Hasselhoff,” said the bartender.
“Just call me Hoff,” he replied. “Sure,” said the bartender. “No hassle.”
A Sperm Donor, a carpenter, and Julius Caesar walk into a bar
He came, he saw, he conquered
The bouncer said to me, “I’m going to have to ask you to leave.” I said, “Why?”
They said, “I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline.”
What do you call a Chinese Disease?
Kung Flu.
4 people are on a crashing plane, but there are only 3 parachutes.
The first person the grab a parachute is Brad Pitt and as he reachs for the door he says, "My family and my fans need me surely you will understand.", off he goes. The next person to grab one is Donald Trump: "Im the most intellegent president this nation ever saw i will do great things to this country" and he jumps out. Left in the plane is an old man and a young school boy. "Go on take the last one", the old man said, "I lifed a long and fulfilled life." Hearing that the school boy answered calmly, "Don't worry, we'll both be okay. Our most intelligent President yet just took my backpack."
Donald trump walks into a bar…
And lowers it.
I like my women like I like my whiskey.
12 years old and mixed up with coke. Disclaimer: This is just a joke. I do not condone the practice of mixing whiskey with coke.
Dating a girl that has a child…
… it's like "Continuing" another dude's "Save File".
Who here believes in telekinesis?
Raise my hand. (Celebrating my first Father’s Day as a dad with my first post in this sub!)
I bought some Shoes from my drug dealer yesterday.
I don't know what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day.
Why does Waldo wear stripes?
He doesn’t want to be spotted
I could never date a single mum.
Because then they wouldn't be single.
“Give it to me now!” She yelled “I’m so wet!”
She can scream all she wants, she’s not getting my fucking umbrella
My drug test came back negative..
My dealer has now got some explaining to do.