In a recent poll, 80% of people in America said they would not open their homes to a sentient water basin that walked up to their door and asked for shelter…
Let that sink in…
He tractored down.
It's only holding me back.
I mean, its a court date but its still a date and I am getting dressed up
They have trouble sweeping..
It's just a whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away
It was just holding me back.
I’ve been asked to name and shame all those horrible people that have been mocking me for wearing mittens…
…but I’m not going to point fingers.
Reverend: Just water officer. Police: Why do I smell wine? Reverend: Good lord he’s done it again
She slams the door, waits and watches the man leave. The next day, at 3pm once again, she hears a knock at the door and there stood the man once more. "Do you have a vagina?" The woman slammed the door in his face and watched him walk off through the blinds. Growing more disturbed, she told her husband, who decided to take the day off work in hopes of seeing the man and handling the situation. Sure enough, the next day at 3pm, there is a knock at the door. "That's him," the wife says. The husband tells her, "Open it. I'm going to hide. I want to see where he is going with this." The woman opens the door and the man asks, "Do you have a vagina?" After some hesitation, the woman answers, "Yes." The man then tells her, "Why don't you let your husband use it so he'll leave my wife's alone?"
He says to Putin: "I have two bits of advice for you: kill off all your opponents and paint the Kremlin blue." Putin asks, "Why blue?" Stalin replies, "I knew you would not object to the first one."
Well, it's what he would have wanted."
I expect that'll come back to bite me.
For Hispanic attacks
She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one!"
One night, a Viking called Rudolph the red was looking out of his window when he suddenly said “It’s going to rain”. His wife asked “how do you know?”
"Because rudolph the red knows rain, dear"
One goldfish looks at the other and says: "Hey man, how the hell do you drive this thing?"
cos 0 = 1
I don’t believe him.
Because you never turn your back on your own family.
An amateur thief says, "Give me all your money!" A professional thief says, "Sign here please."
Therapist: Tell me why? Me: screams
Someone who’s career is in ruins
He dyed on impact.
I think that's a bit far fetched.
He wants to become a web designer.
I said, “Yes, but I’m here to get whiskey instead.”
Check out Tender!
but they keep ending up in the gutter.
But it wooden whistle. So I bought a steel whistle. But it steel wooden whistle. So I bought a lead whistle. But it steel wooden lead me whistle.
It just made her more upset. She screamed at me, "What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?"