In a recent poll, 80% of people in America said they would not open their homes to a sentient water basin that walked up to their door and asked for shelter…
Let that sink in…
What did the farmer do when he lost his wife?
He tractored down.
I’m thinking of removing my spine
It's only holding me back.
Got my first date of 2020 already lined up
I mean, its a court date but its still a date and I am getting dressed up
Why do insomniacs have dirty floors?
They have trouble sweeping..
What’s the difference between a seal and a sea lion?
One electron.
The urge to sing “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” may come at any time
It's just a whim away, a whim away, a whim away, a whim away
Went to a surgeon to have my spine removed…
It was just holding me back.
I’ve been asked to name and shame all those horrible people that have been mocking me for wearing mittens…
…but I’m not going to point fingers.
Reverend, Have You Been Drinking?
Reverend: Just water officer. Police: Why do I smell wine? Reverend: Good lord he’s done it again
A woman answers a knock at the door at 3pm and a man asks if she has a vagina
She slams the door, waits and watches the man leave. The next day, at 3pm once again, she hears a knock at the door and there stood the man once more. "Do you have a vagina?" The woman slammed the door in his face and watched him walk off through the blinds. Growing more disturbed, she told her husband, who decided to take the day off work in hopes of seeing the man and handling the situation. Sure enough, the next day at 3pm, there is a knock at the door. "That's him," the wife says. The husband tells her, "Open it. I'm going to hide. I want to see where he is going with this." The woman opens the door and the man asks, "Do you have a vagina?" After some hesitation, the woman answers, "Yes." The man then tells her, "Why don't you let your husband use it so he'll leave my wife's alone?"
Stalin appears to Putin in a dream
He says to Putin: "I have two bits of advice for you: kill off all your opponents and paint the Kremlin blue." Putin asks, "Why blue?" Stalin replies, "I knew you would not object to the first one."
What number is a sport?
Ten is
When people complain about php’s security, i need this picture to explain the scenario
https://ift.tt/2p6ZLtd
“My friend Steve drowned, so at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt.
Well, it's what he would have wanted."
I just cross-bred an alligator and a homing pigeon.
I expect that'll come back to bite me.
Why did Donald Trump take Xanax
For Hispanic attacks
The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage
She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one!"
One night, a Viking called Rudolph the red was looking out of his window when he suddenly said “It’s going to rain”. His wife asked “how do you know?”
"Because rudolph the red knows rain, dear"
Two goldfish are sitting in a tank…
One goldfish looks at the other and says: "Hey man, how the hell do you drive this thing?"
Why is 1 = 0
cos 0 = 1
Our leaders vs local newscasters showing the importance of social distancing.
https://ift.tt/3djWjzY
My friend says he’s a compulsive liar…
I don’t believe him.
Why is there no such thing as reverse cowgirl in Alabama?
Because you never turn your back on your own family.
Whats the difference between an amateur thief and a professional thief?
An amateur thief says, "Give me all your money!" A professional thief says, "Sign here please."
Me: I’m terrified of the Backstreet Boys
Therapist: Tell me why? Me: screams
What is an archeologist
Someone who’s career is in ruins
I just witnessed a guy getting shot with a paintball gun.
He dyed on impact.
A friend of mine claims he can throw a stick 5 miles and his pet dog will retrieve it.
I think that's a bit far fetched.
My buddy spider really has his future planned.
He wants to become a web designer.
I was browsing in a liquor store when an employee asked me “Do you need help?”
I said, “Yes, but I’m here to get whiskey instead.”
Looking for hot singles in your area? Or maybe tens or twenties?
Check out Tender!
Trying to write some clean jokes about bowling balls
but they keep ending up in the gutter.
I bought a wooden whistle
But it wooden whistle. So I bought a steel whistle. But it steel wooden whistle. So I bought a lead whistle. But it steel wooden lead me whistle.
My girlfriend’s dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one.
It just made her more upset. She screamed at me, "What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?"
