In Canada, you are more likely to die of a moose kick than of a terrorist attack.
Those damn mooselimbs.
I’m never again donating money to anyone collecting for a marathon.
They just take the money and run.
My girlfriend told me that she’s leaving because I’m too immature…
Good luck with that, the floor's made of lava.
I was at the hospital and I walked into a surgeon’s office
“Can I help you?” He asked. “I keep thinking that I’m a moth.” I replied. “You probably want a Psychiatrist for that.” “Yeah, I know.” He looked confused. “Then why are you here?” “The light was on.”
The Holy Bible is proven to be 100% accurate.
When thrown at a close-range, especially.
Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?
He'll stop at nothing to avoid them
I have a few jokes about unemployed people
But none of them work
The local charity realized that it had never received a donation from the city’s most successful lawyer.
So a volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office. The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, 'Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community?. The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, 'First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long painful illness, and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?' Embarrassed, the rep mumbles, 'Uh… No, I didn't know that.' 'Secondly,' says the lawyer, 'did it show that my brother, a disabled Veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children? The stricken rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again 'Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?' The humiliated rep, completely beaten, says, 'I'm so sorry. I had no idea. And the lawyer says, 'So, if I didn't give any money to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you?
6 was scared of 7 because 7,8,9 but why did 7 eat 9?
Because you're supposed to eat 3 squared meals a day.
An engineer dies and is sent to hell
He's hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly. The moving walkway motor jammed, so he un-jams it. People can get from place to place more easily. The TV was grainy and unclear, so he fixes the connection to the Satellite dish and now they get hundreds of high def channels. One day, God decides to look down on Hell to see how his grand design is working out and notices that everyone is happy and enjoying umbrella drinks. He asks the Devil what's up? The Devil says, "Things are great down here since you sent us an engineer." "What?" says God. "An engineer? I didn't send you one of those. That must have been a mistake. Send him upstairs immediately." The Devil responds, "No way. We want to keep our engineer. We like him." God demands, "If you don't send him to me immediately, I'll sue!" The Devil laughs. "Where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
A good bar joke that always makes women laugh
Jack woke up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas party. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he as feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong. Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he saw was couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sat up and saw his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looked around the room and saw that it was in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So was the rest of the house. He took the aspirins, and cringed when he saw a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he noticed a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove. I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling!" He stumbled to the kitchen and sure enough, there was hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son was also at the table, eating. Jack asked, "Son, what happened last night?" "Well, you came home after 3 A.M, drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door." Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?? His son replied, "Oh THAT! Mum dragged you to the bathroom to clean you up, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone bitch, I'm married!"
My wife’s sister visited us yesterday in her brand new Porsche.
Astonished, my wife asked her “How could you afford this?!” “You know, a blow job every now and again makes my husband very generous,” she replied. Surprised, my wife turned to me and winked, “I think I’ll start doing that.” “Me too,” I replied, turning to my sister in law. “What’s your husband’s number?”
My brother works for my band, helping me fix and replace parts of my drums.
He re-cymbals me, too.
Went and bought a sweater yesterday. The thing just kept picking up static electricity.
I went to return it and they gave me another one free of charge.
I have OCD so whenever someone says “tho”
I always respond with "ugh"
This is a Fibonacci joke.
Its worse than the last two jokes you heard, combined.
Student: Are well and actually both one syllable words
Teacher: Well yes , but actually no
When I become a lawyer I want to defend a penguin.
Just so I can say the words “Your Honor, clearly my client is not a flight risk.”
I’m scared of π
It's an irrational fear
What do you call Batman skipping church?
Christian Bale
I saw an onion ring.
So I answered it.
My neighbor blamed my gravel for making him fall.
But it was his dumb asphalt
I decided to kill off a few characters in the book I’m writing.
I just felt the need to spice up my autobiography.
I wouldn’t recommend becoming an escapologist.
I can't get out.
What’s the difference between a kiss and anal sex?
A kiss will make your day, but anal will make your hole weak.
“I just urinated on a pregnancy test,” said my girlfriend. “I’m pregnant.”
"Are you going to keep it?" I asked. She said, "No, it stinks like wee."
If I had to rate the Solar System
I would give it one star
Dont have sex with sad people.
They're just trying to fill a hole.
Why do hippies drink herbal tea?
Because property is theft
Where do mollusks find books to improve themselves?
The shellf help section.
Conjunctivitis.com
Now that’s a site for sore eyes
I just bought PornHub Premium.
And now there aren’t any horny milfs in my area that want to have sex with me anymore.