In case you don’t know Yoda’s last name
It is LAYHEEHOO
Spent a few hours on the wife’s grave today
It cheers me up and; 2. She still thinks I'm digging a pond. [Note: Not my joke, but made me chuckle]
Why did the Mexican take Xanax ?
For Hispanic attacks
Why does a duck have tail feathers?
To cover its butt-quack.
A raisin, a peanut, and an oat sit down and order a drink.
The bartender says, “what do you think this is, a granola bar? “.
A man and his date were parked on a back road at night, far away from prying eyes when his date stopped him from going any further.
"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex." The man reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing. After a cigarette, the man just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl. "Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25."
What do you call a cow with two legs?
Lean beef. What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
My wife yelled at me, “You’re not even listening, are you?!”
I shouted back, “That’s a weird way to start a conversation!”
A dad was washing his car with his son
The son asked why they couldn't just use a sponge.
Sometimes I like to tuck my knees to my chest, and lean forward.
That’s just how I roll.
I was pulling my boxers off in bed last night
When the wife said to me, “You spoil those dogs.”
A limbo champion walks into a bar.
They are immediately disqualified.
If you rearrange all the letters of POSTMEN
You will get them VERY ANGRY
“Sixty is the worst age to be,” said the 60-year-old…
"You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!" he continued. "Ah, that's nothin'," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you can't even crap anymore. You take laxatives, then you sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!" "Actually," said the 80-year-old, "80 is the worst age of all!" "Do you have trouble peeing too?" asked the 60-year-old. "No, not really. I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all." "Do you have trouble crapping?" asked the 70-year-old. "No, I crap every morning at 6:30." With great exasperation, the 60-year-old said, "Let me get this straight. You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so tough about being 80?" "I don't wake up until 7:00"
While teaching a class a teacher trying to teach good manners asked her students the following question.
"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?" Michael said: "Just a minute I have to go pee." The teacher responded by saying: "That would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?" Sherman said: "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I’ll be right back." "That’s better, but it’s still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?" Johnny said: "I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, who I hope to introduce you to after dinner."
I bought a theremin
But I haven’t touched it in years. I’m sorry to anyone who gets it.
Why don’t aliens come to our solar system?
They checked our ratings. One star.
The girl I just started dating told me she is Russian
I told her I think we should take things slowly
![[OC] That sinking feeling](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/10/g0njqonnv3r31-400x401.jpg)
The Dow Jones drops more than 2000 points today. How long before Trump blames Obama?
https://ift.tt/2IAyOVb
What did pink panther say when he stepped on an ant?
Dead ant, dead ant. Deadant deadant deadant, dead ant, DEAD AAAANT. Deadant.
Why was the poor man selling yeast?
To raise some dough
What does English teachers do on Reddit?
Edit: grammar
Which side of a cheetah has the most spots?
The outside!
As a school project, we wanted to perform a Jesus play
but the only guy who had the traditional famous Jesus look had blonde hair. We begged him to dye it black, but he refused. After explaining it to his parents, they agreed to let their son dye for our scenes.
A guy is on the bus and sees a beautiful nun.
Wanting to bang her, he walks up to her and says “wanna bang?“ To which the nun replies “hell no“ and proceeded to get off the bus. Distraught, the man ask the bus driver what to do. The bus driver replied, “well every night she goes to the cemetery and prays, So if you go dressed as God and tell her that she must bang you to go to heaven, you are set to go”. Excited, the man goes out And buys the best God costume in the country.Later that night, dressed as God, the man tiptoes into the cemetery and sees the nun praying.Having recited his lines, he goes to the nun and says, “if you want to go to heaven, we must bang”. To his surprise, the nun agreed and they proceeded to have rough anal sex. After he finished, he threw off his God costume and proclaimed, “aha! It is I! The Man from the bus!” The nun threw off its clothes and proclaimed, “aha! It is I! The bus driver!”
Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward
That’s just how I roll
What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
A hippo is very heavy and a Zippo is a little lighter.
My parents treat me like a god…
…they don't believe in me.
Why did the mechanic sleep under the car?
He wanted to get up oily in the morning.
I started lifting with only dictionaries
I wanted to add definition to my muscles
Is this sub still active?
There have been barely any posts all year.
My dog once retrieved a stick from 1 mile away…
I know, it sounds a little far fetched.
What did the atom say when it kept losing electrons?
I really need to keep an ion them.
What is the difference between an alligator and a crocodile?
One will see you later and the other will see you in a while.
My son: The manual in the car says not to turn up the volume of the stereo to the maximum.
Me: That’s ….sound advice.
A little boy asks grandpa to make a noise like a frog. Grandpa asks why?
Because mummy said the moment you croak is when we're all going to Disneyland!