In class we learned that last names were determined by what your ancestors did
So I always made sure I kept my distance from my teacher Mr Dickinson
A student visits the principal’s office one day and the principal says to him, “What’s your name, son?” He replies, “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.” The principal looks up and asks him, “Oh, do you have a stutter?”
The student replies, “No sir, my dad has a stutter, but the guy who registered my name was an asshole.”
Words cannot express…
…how limited my vocabulary is.
I met an atheist who worked for a charity the other day..
She said it was a non-prophet organization.
What do you call a french man wearing sandals?
Phillipe Phillop
Bert says to Ernie “Would you like some some icecream?”
Ernie replies "Sherbert."
When does a car stop being a car?
When it turns into a driveway.
What do you call a bulletproof Irish man?
Rick O’Shay
They say don’t go grocery shopping while you’re hungry.
But it’s been a week and I just keep getting hungrier.
Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar…
Now don't tell me that's just a coincidence.
Did you hear about the great Duct Tape Heist?
No one knows how they pulled it off.
What do a midget and a dwarf have in common ?
Very little
When God closes a door, He opens a window.
My point is, this church needs a better fire evacuation system.
I told my friend that he really shouldn’t be using a straw and he replied, “Yeah, I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment.” I said, “Sure, there’s that…”
"But it's just a really weird way of eating spaghetti."
I’m no longer a 21 year old virgin
I turned 22.
The man who invented autocorrect has died.
May he roast in piss.
Got the words “Jacuzzi” and “Yakuza” mixed up.
Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
As a new language, Braille is not that difficult to learn.
You just have to have a feel for it.
When I die, I hope to go peacefully in my sleep like my grandpa.
Not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.
At a recent interview, I was asked where can I see myself in 2 years time…
I don't know, it's not like I have 2020 vision!
My teacher asked me how I view lesbian relationships…
Apparently 1080p Full Screen HD wasn't the right answer.
[True story] My Grandma and Grandpa were arguing. My grandpa exclaimed, “I’m the King, and you’re nothing!” So my Grandma replied…
“Oh yeah? Then you’re the King of nothing!”
What do antioxidants and dictators have in common?
They both eliminate free radicals.
I pushed a chinese person down a flight of stairs
It was wong on so many levels