In college, all the fraternities rejected me because I was circumcised.
Apparently you need to be a complete dick.
I met a Jewish girl and she wanted my number
I simply told her we use names here
Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each…
The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them. The man bought thousands at $10 and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy at $20. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again. Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer increased to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catch it! The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on behalf of him. In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers; "Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at $35 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each." The villagers rounded up with all their savings and bought all the monkeys. They never saw the man nor his assistant, only monkeys everywhere! Now you have a better understanding of how the cryptocurrency market works.
Everyday I tell the wife I’m gonna do a few miles around the neighborhood for exercise. And I never do lol.
It’s a running joke I have
In 1941, Hans, a young German boy, was listening to the radio.
Over the radio, Hitler announced that Germany was now going to war with the United States. “Father, where is the United States,” Hans asked. His father pointed at a map towards North America. “Aren’t we currently at war with Russia? Where might that be,” he questioned his father. The man pointed towards the Soviet Union. “And I’m told we’re also at war with the British Empire. Where is that?” The father pointed out all of the territories owned by the British. “Where is Germany again, Father?” He pointed to their home country in Central Europe. Hans pondered this information for a second. “One last question, Father.” “Yes?” “Has Hitler seen this map?”
A 13 year old boy walks into the whorehouse…
and asks for sex with a girl who suffers from an STD. Aghast, the madame asks him why on earth he'd want an STD. He replies "It's not for me, exactly. I want to give it to the babysitter." She asks him "Why do you want your babysitter to have the clap?" He replies "Well, she'll give it to my dad, my dad will give it to the upstairs maid, the maid will give it to the postman, and the postman will give it to my mom." Horrified, she screams "Why do you want your mother to have the clap?" The kid giggles, and says "She'll give it to the milkman, and he's the SOB who ran over my bike!"
Store cashier: “Sir, do you wanna box for these items?”
Me: "No thanks, I'm not much of an athlete. Is it okay if I just pay with my card?"
What kind of fur do you get from a werewolf?
As fur away as you can get.
When I was younger I threw a boomerang and it went super far and out of sight. I always wondered where it went
and then it hit me (i posted this in r/dadjokes like 5 minutes ago but it fits here too)
My ex girlfirend
My ex-girlfriend used to give me nicknames whilst giving me head. "The Impaler" was my favourite. Well, at least, that's what I thought she said…. Turns out she's asthmatic and it's my fault she died.
It’s only kamikaze if it came from the Kamikaze region in Japan…
Otherwise it's just plane suicide.
Aspen colonies are the world’s largest organisms, consisting of up to 40,000 trees in one root network
Aspen colonies are the world’s largest organisms, consisting of up to 40,000 trees in one root network
I went to a zoo that only had a bunch of pandas
The whole zoo was just one big embarrassment
After God created 24 hours of alternating darkness and light, one of the angels asked him, “what are you going to do now?”
God said, "I think I'm going to call it a day."
My son asked, “Dad, what are condoms for?”
"Usually to avoid answering questions like these," I replied.
A woman is walking down the street and see a little boy get hit by a car. She knows he won’t survive as soon as she gets to him, looking around she sees a church nearby and asks if he’d like her to get the priest.
The little boy looks into her eyes and says "how can you think of sex at a time like this?"
My 4 year old asked me what you call flying food
I literally had no idea where this was going but he goes really daddy a jelly-copter
My wife walked in on me while I was watching porn.
In a panic reflex I instantly changed to a random channel, the fishing channel. As my wife walks out again she says: "you should stay on the porn channel… you know how to fish."
Why did the bike stop moving?
Because it was two-tired
My wife told me to put ketchup on the shopping list, so I did
Now she's mad at me because we can't read it anymore
The world’s worst impressionist walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “Why the wrong face?”
“Son In Iraq I killed 15 people.”
Son: Dad, you were a helicopter mechanic. Dad: Never said I was a good one.
What happens when an atheist prays?..
The same thing that happens when a Christian does.
A man in a wheelchair just stole my camouflage jacket :(
I hope he knows he can hide but he can’t run
When taking a calculus exam, make sure you don’t sit between identical twins.
Because it’s hard to differentiate between them.
My wife showed me a meme post on Instagram
I told her I already Reddit.
What do you say when you see a bad post on this subreddit?
What the Fork is this Bullshirt?
White people don’t shoot each other in the streets like black people do.
We do it in schools because we have class.
My dad told me to stop pretending to be a farm animal
He was sick of me horsing around
I was adopted. My father found me on a poker table.
He said "I see you and I raise you."
My math teacher put that on the first page of our workbook (still love the effort)
https://ift.tt/3dLSDGV
How did the hipster burn his tongue?
He sipped his coffee before it was cool
Is buttcheeks spelled as one word?
Or do you have to spread them apart?
When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me $285…
That's why, in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship.