IN HIS WHOLE LIFE
Whatever you do, don’t let anybody walk over you.
Especially if you go to a party dressed as a land mine.
Went and bought a sweater yesterday. The thing just kept picking up static electricity.
I went to return it and they gave me another one free of charge.
I will admit this is a bit funny
Dad, are we pyromaniacs?
“Yes, we arson.”
PhOnES aRe BaD
Don’t get me started on tan suits!
I dumped my girlfriend after she falsely claimed Netflix was the cheapest streaming service.
I refuse to associate with a Hulu-cost denier.
To the person who hacked into my reddit account…
I will find you, and I will kill you. edit: no you wont
if you CONCENTRATE, you’ll get this
Better feed wife or wife mad!
My penis may not be 12 inches
….but it smells like a foot.
Calm down, it’s not like they’re kneeling during a song
Wishing everyone a safe and happy holiday!
New year, new me
How many great discoveries you have thought of sitting on the debugging chair
A man dies, and wakes up on a beach…
There are girls playing beach volleyball, barbeques everywhere, laughter and joy. All of a sudden, Satan comes up to him. "Welcome to hell. Enjoy yourself, have a drink, have a hamburger and check out the area. If you need anything or have a question, feel free to ask me." he says. The guy walks along the beach, has a few drinks with a nice girl. He walks over a hill, when he sees a hole in the ground, full with tormented people, flames rising up from the hole. The guy runs towards the beach until he finds Satan. "Hey, I found this hole and all these people are being tormented… What's that about?" "Oh," Satan says, "that´s for the Christians, they want it that way."
Technology = bad
Two prisoners working in the laundry room on the top floor of the jail.
After a couple hours, the guard on duty steps away to use the bathroom. The one prisoner says: "Quick, this is our chance to escape. We only have a few minutes so have to work together. You rip bedsheets into strips and I'll tie them into a rope, then we can climb down through the window. The other agrees, "Got it. I sheet, you knot."
I am giving up drinking alcohol for the month of January.
Edit: I am giving up. Drinking alcohol for the month of January.
What did they call the lightsaber when it was first invented?
I used to sell home security systems.
It was super easy. I went door to door and If the customer wasn't home, I'd just leave my brochure and business card on their dining room table.
Calling them “britches”
A married man left work early on Friday and went out for a few drinks with the boys. Instead of going home, however, he ended up partying with them all weekend and spent his entire pay check.
When he finally returned home on Sunday, his wife was furious and berated him excessively. After a couple of hours of nagging and scolding, she asked him "How would you like it if you didn't see me for a couple of days?!?" "That would suit me just fine!!" the man said. Well…Monday went by, and the man didn't see his wife. Tuesday went by with the same result. Wednesday came and went and the man still hadn't seen his wife. Thursday, the swelling went down a bit and he could see her a little, just out of the corner of his left eye.
Story of most of the programmers 🤔😂😂
When someone is talking about the big O
Hot off the press.
Look mom! I’m contributing to open source!
Hell, he’s not even in the top 50 anymore.
The Former US President Has Spoken
Not cool Elon-San
A husband and wife were golfing when suddenly the wife asked: “Honey, if I died would you get married again?”
Husband: "No sweetie." Wife:"I'm sure you would." Husband: "Okay, I would" Wife: "Would you let her sleep in our bed?" Husband: "Ya, I guess so." Wife: "Would you let her use my golf clubs?" Husband: "No, she's left handed."
On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife.
The certificate paid for a visit to a herbalist living nearby, who was rumoured to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction. After some discussion with his wife, the man made a visit to the herbalist and handed his voucher over wondering what he was in for. The elderly herbalist handed a potion to the man, and with a grip on his shoulder warned him. "This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say '1-2-3.' When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform as long as you want." Greatly encouraged, the man turned and started to walk away, then stopped and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?" The herbalist replied, "Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,' but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon." Eager to see if it worked the man went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?" And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition because we could end up with a dangling participle.
Bernie wants to abolish an 18th century abomination
Especially if they have a propaganda tv
Ashley Parker did the math
I had to break up with my boyfriend after he lost his feet in an accident…
Because I'm lack-toes intolerant.
This is how quantum computing works
Christmas Comedy Gold
Congratulations Trump on uniting a divided country. To bad it wasn’t ours.
How the pros learn CS
Turkish immune system must be the best in the world i guess.
Don’t you just love informative error messages?
What do you call a deaf gynecologist?
A lip reader.
Found this gem
Air drying boomer
Here we go again
We may have been unprepared if not
maybe maybe maybe
Sorry for your loss
Poop jokes aren’t my favorite kind of jokes.
But they are a solid number two.
Just got this from my grandpa
[Possibly OC] How excited was Wendy to go to Neverland?
She was so excited that she nearly Peter Pans.
Scientists definitively confirmed today that anteaters are incapable of contracting coronavirus.
This is because they're filled with anty bodies.
A meme I made
Not the most tasteful mug with what’s going on in Australia right now…
gnihtyreve htiw eno eb ot stnaw tsuj eH
I hate myself for grinning at this.
Two mathematicians were having dinner in a restaurant, …
… arguing about the average mathematical knowledge of the American public. One mathematician claimed that this average was woefully inadequate, the other maintained that it was surprisingly high. "I'll tell you what," said the cynic, "ask that waitress a simple math question. If she gets it right, I'll pick up dinner. If not, you do." He then excused himself to visit the men's room, and the other called the waitress over. "When my friend comes back," he told her, "I'm going to ask you a question, and I want you to respond 'one third x cubed.' There's twenty bucks in it for you." She agreed. The cynic returned from the bathroom and called the waitress over. "The food was wonderful, thank you," the mathematician started. "Incidentally, do you know what the integral of x squared is?" The waitress looked pensive; almost pained. She looked around the room, at her feet, made gurgling noises, and finally said, "Um, one third x cubed?" So the cynic paid the check. The waitress wheeled around, walked a few paces away, looked back at the two men, and muttered under her breath, "…plus a constant."
My son asked me, “Dad, what is coincidence?”
I said, “Weird. I was about to ask you the same thing.”
An interesting title
Actual footage of Bernie “Force Choking” Biden
I saw a woman with 12 breasts the other day…
Sounds weird, dozen tit?