In Iran, everyone’s scared of spiders, but in Iraq…
…no phobia.
What cereal is addicted to working out?
Shredded wheat.
What do you get when you lick a Toyota?
The corolla virus.
I bought a do it yourself book on Amazon.
I only got paper, bindings and glue in the mail
What does Donald Trumps hair have in common with a thong?
They both barely cover the asshole
Why wasn’t Cinderella allowed to play soccer?
Because she kept running away from the ball
My buddy recently cloned himself and had sex with his clone.
Many people were disgusted, but it's none of my business so I told him: "You do you."
My friend said to me, “Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?” I said, “Go on, then.” He shouted, “NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
I said, “That’s Superman.” He said, “Thanks man, I’ve been practicing a lot.”
ISO Halloween Jokes
Thank You.
Italian Altar Boy’s Confession
An Italian altar boy goes to confession. He starts, "Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl." The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?" "'Yes, Father, it is." "And who was the girl you were with?" "I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation." "Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?" "I cannot say." "Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?" "I'll never tell." "Was it Nina Capelli?" "I'm sorry, but I cannot name her." "Was it Cathy Piriano?" "My lips are sealed." "Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?" "Please, Father, I cannot tell you." The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself." Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?" "Four months vacation and five good leads!"
Why didn’t the toilet paper cross the road?
It got stuck in a crack
My cross-eyed girlfriend left me.
She was seeing someone else.
Neil DeGrasse Tyson, Stephen Hawking, and Bill Nye walk into a bar.
Neil and Bill look at Stephen Hawking and yell, "My God, Stephen, you're cured!"
I wanted to buy a candle holder but the store didn’t have one.
So I got a cake -Mitch Hedberg
To the guy who stole my antidepressants…
I hope you're happy now
I wanted to become a doctor…
But, I just didn't have the patients…
I tried looking up synonyms of confusion.
But I came away with uncertainty and disorientation.
Will glass coffins be a success?
Remains to be seen.
Dad: Hey, remember tomorrow is Father’s Day!
Me: Yeah, but it’s son day as well.
During my prostate exam, my doctor told me it’s perfectly normal to become aroused and even ejaculate.
That being said, I still wish he hadn’t.
“I’m sorry, but Joey Starr is not mentioned among the 20th century philosophers”.
https://ift.tt/3gDH1bb
I have so many jokes about Unemployed people
But sadly none of them work.
Why do you never see hippos hiding in trees?
Because they're good at it
