In laughter the L comes first..
The rest of the letters come aughter it.
Wife: I have to tell you something, I am pregnant.
Husband- Hi Pregnant, I am Dad. Wife- No you're not.
How many nails are there in a lesbian’s coffin?
None, it's all tongue-and-groove.
How did the farmer find his wife?
He tractor down.
Ban pre shredded cheese.
Make America grate again!
*pulls candy bar out of thin air*
Kid: WOW are you a magician? Me: no, but I have a couple of twix up my sleeve
What did the drummer name his twin daughters?
Anna 1 Anna 2
What has a head, a tail, but no body?
A coin Source: my 7 year old sister
My favorite time of the day is 6:30
Hands down
What do girls and noodles have in common?
They both wiggle when you eat them.
A tree’s first winter must be terrifying.
Imagine the releaf they feel in spring.
3 guys were sitting in a biker bar.
A man came in, already drunk, sat down at the bar and ordered a drink. The man looked around and saw the 3 men sitting at a corner table. He got up, staggered to the table, leaned over, looked the biggest one in the face. And said, “I went by your grandma’s house and I saw her in the hallway buck naked. Man, she is fine!” The biker looked at him and didn’t say a word. His buddies were confused, because he was a bad ass and would fight at he drop of a hat. The drunk leaned on the table again. And he said “I got it on with your grandma. And she is good. The best I ever had!” The biker still said nothing. His buddies were starting to get mad. The drunk leaned on the table again and said,”I’ll tell you something else boy, your grandma liked it!” The biker stood up and took the drunk by the shoulder. And said, “Damn it, Grandpa, you’re drunk! Go home!”
My dad sent this to me this morning. He sends shit like this all the time unironically
https://ift.tt/2Xk88k7
I just found out I was dating a communist..
I can’t believe I missed all the red flags
If you’ve spent ages figuring out how to keep herbs and spices on your belt loop…
…you've waisted thyme.
I tripped over my girlfriends bra
seemed to be a booby trap.
My son asked me why I was whispering all quiet.
I told him I thought the CIA was listening. He laughed. I laughed. Amazon Echo laughed.
When I was in college, my roommate used to clean my room, and I used to clean his.
We were maid for each other.
I’ve been asked to name and shame all those horrible people that have been mocking me for wearing mittens…
…but I’m not going to point fingers.
When I was young, I used to think earwigs actually lived in your ears
so you can imagine how terrified I was of cockroaches.
Why is Waldo’s shirt striped
Because he doesn’t want to be spotted
What do serial killers and fat girls on tinder have in common?
They both know how to hide their bodies.
That awkward moment when you tell a chemistry joke, and get no reaction.
I guess all the good chemistry puns argon.
Dad jokes at the grocery store
I was grocery shopping with my wife and she was picking up holiday hand soap. She asked me which ones I liked. I grabbed two different ones off the shelf and said "let me give you my two scents"
Did you heard about the monkeys who shared an Amazon account?
They were Prime mates.
When you realize your coke baggie is stuck to your phone during a family photo
https://ift.tt/2ocMz5Y
Scientists turn back time…
…end up with 'emit'.
It’s easy to prevent women from eating tide pods…
…but it’s harder to deter gents
I’ll name my child $2y$10$ugTh9EyUvedMTndo0PvF4.YKZaHX6OsMirqjR6ApgASNPrRikwBGS
https://ift.tt/2WcbTYa
My friend claims that he “accidentally” glued himself to his autobiography, but I don’t believe it.
But that’s his story, and he’s sticking to it.
“Hey officer, how did the hackers escape?”
“No idea, they just ransomware.”
I don’t trust stairs
They're always up to something.
What do you call a fake turd?
A shampoo
How does Bono spell “color”?
With or without "u"