In Laughter, the L comes first
The rest of the letters come aughter it.
When all of the sudden in the midst of a paticularly moving segment, he hears a loud, uproarious sneeze coming from amongst the crowd. Stalin stops speaking, glares at the soldiers, becomes very visibly annoyed, and says "Who sneezed?…" All of the soldiers don't say anything, some of them start to sweat and others nervously glance around. After a brief moment Stalin motions towards a few soldiers with him on the stage. "Execute the first row…" he commands, and the soldiers on stage begin opening fire at the first row of troops on the ground. "I'll ask again, who sneezed?" says Stalin. Another pause, and no one speaks up. Finally Stalin says "Execute the…" but before he can finish, a soldier about 4 rows back raises his hand and says "It was me General Secretary Stalin! I'm the one who sneezed." Stalin then stares cold and hard at the soldier who spoke up for an uncomfortable amount of time, before he leans towards his microphone and says "Bless you."
Friend: why did you call him that, he’s not even a white horse? Mayo: [neighs]
One's a Corona Virus the other is a Verona Crisis.
…we'd never hear the end of it.
Not what you're thinking
Dad: Hi pregnant, i'm Dad Wife: No you're not
They just arrived. Safe and sound Found this on a text message from someone's actual dad
I think it's just a stereotype.
When you get an early Christmas present in January.
An hour after checking in, the man calls the front desk. Man- "My wife and I had a fight and she is going to jump out the window." Help desk- " It's your personal matter and we cant help in this situation. " Man- " Personal matter my ass the window doesn't open."
That I realized I had hit rock bottom
Arnold from marketing on the 7th floor. Fuck you dude, that’s disgusting. I know you sort by new and can see this. Wash your hands and Lysol your keyboard.
The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?" The survey was a huge failure. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant. In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant. In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant. In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant. In South America they didn't know what "please" meant. And in the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.
it had a bad pilot (i posted this to r/cleanjokes like 5 minutes ago but it fits here too)
I figured it'd be confusing if we were both called Keith
Because they're extinct.
Me: Can I play piano? Doctor: Yes you can. Me: Wow! Thanks! I never could before.
Terrible joke. 3 stars.
It was a hard drive.
Well the jokes on them – they’re imaginary too.
A man went to the doctor and told him that he was having trouble maintaining an erection. After a complete exam the doctor told the man that the muscles around the base of his penis were damaged from a prior viral infection and there was nothing he could do for him. However, he knew of an experimental treatment that might work, if he were willing to take the risk. The treatment consisted of implanting muscle tissue from an elephant's trunk in the man's penis. The man thought about it for a while. The thought of going through life without ever experiencing sex again was just too much for him to bear. So, with the assurance that there would be no cruelty or adverse effect on the elephant, the man decided to go for it. A few weeks after the operation, he was given the green light to use his newly renovated equipment. As a result, he planned a romantic evening with his girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in the city. She was leaning over the table in a low cut shirt, and sure enough he began to feel very uncomfortable. To release the pressure, he unzipped his fly. Suddenly his penis emerged from his pants, went to the top of the table, grabbed a roll, and retreated into his pants. His girlfriend was stunned at first, but then with a sly smile on her face said: "That was incredible. Can you do that again?" With his eyes watering, he replied: "I think I can, but I'm not sure if I can take another dinner roll in the ass."
They both barely cover the asshole. EDIT: I leave this up for a few hours and 500 upvotes already?! Thanks everyone! EDIT 2: WOW! MY FIRST MEDAL EVER! THANK YOU KIND REDDIT STRANGER!
They run at 100 feet a second
It has music from Peanuts, The Cranberries, and Eminem. I call it my….Trail Mix.
For example, right now you’re thinking, “It’s psychic, idiot!”
Wasn't my first choice for a nickname, but I can live with it…
Some scientists suspect that it might be a pundemic.
I walked in and caught her masturbating. She called me a sick pervert. There's no justice in this world.
Sounds weird, dozen tit?
Because he was feeling crumby.
I've only got my shelf to blame.
I have shellfish steamed issues.