In Laughter, the L comes first
The rest of the letters come aughter it.
Joseph Stalin is giving a speech to his army.
When all of the sudden in the midst of a paticularly moving segment, he hears a loud, uproarious sneeze coming from amongst the crowd. Stalin stops speaking, glares at the soldiers, becomes very visibly annoyed, and says "Who sneezed?…" All of the soldiers don't say anything, some of them start to sweat and others nervously glance around. After a brief moment Stalin motions towards a few soldiers with him on the stage. "Execute the first row…" he commands, and the soldiers on stage begin opening fire at the first row of troops on the ground. "I'll ask again, who sneezed?" says Stalin. Another pause, and no one speaks up. Finally Stalin says "Execute the…" but before he can finish, a soldier about 4 rows back raises his hand and says "It was me General Secretary Stalin! I'm the one who sneezed." Stalin then stares cold and hard at the soldier who spoke up for an uncomfortable amount of time, before he leans towards his microphone and says "Bless you."
Me: This is my horse, Mayo.
Friend: why did you call him that, he’s not even a white horse? Mayo: [neighs]
The opposite of Microsoft Office is…
Macrohard Onfire.
Here’s a joke about China
[redacted]
How are Romeo and Juliet like the current pandemic?
One's a Corona Virus the other is a Verona Crisis.
If every letter “t” was silent…
…we'd never hear the end of it.
Why is 6 afraid of 7? (the answer is not what you’re thinking)
Not what you're thinking
Wife: I’m pregnant
Dad: Hi pregnant, i'm Dad Wife: No you're not
I just ordered a vault and loudspeaker online
They just arrived. Safe and sound Found this on a text message from someone's actual dad
Some people think that boomboxes are really old school.
I think it's just a stereotype.
You know you’re a spoilt child.
When you get an early Christmas present in January.
A man and his wife checked into a hotel.
An hour after checking in, the man calls the front desk. Man- "My wife and I had a fight and she is going to jump out the window." Help desk- " It's your personal matter and we cant help in this situation. " Man- " Personal matter my ass the window doesn't open."
It wasn’t until I slapped the statue’s ass.
That I realized I had hit rock bottom
What do you call a person who doesn’t wash his hands after pooping?
Arnold from marketing on the 7th floor. Fuck you dude, that’s disgusting. I know you sort by new and can see this. Wash your hands and Lysol your keyboard.
What the world looks like before the brain vertically inverts the retinal image
https://ift.tt/3e2R080
“A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN”…
The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?" The survey was a huge failure. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant. In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant. In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant. In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant. In South America they didn't know what "please" meant. And in the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.
Why did the sitcom about airplanes never take off?
it had a bad pilot (i posted this to r/cleanjokes like 5 minutes ago but it fits here too)
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married.
I figured it'd be confusing if we were both called Keith
Why is it so difficult for a T-Rex to masturbate?
Because they're extinct.
After a procedure… Doctor: Avoid strenuous activity for the next two weeks
Me: Can I play piano? Doctor: Yes you can. Me: Wow! Thanks! I never could before.
Orion’s belt is a huge waist of space.
Terrible joke. 3 stars.
The roads were so rough, it damaged my laptop.
It was a hard drive.
My friends laughed at me when I told them I had a hot date and they said she was imaginary.
Well the jokes on them – they’re imaginary too.
A man went to the doctor complaining about erectile dysfunction…
A man went to the doctor and told him that he was having trouble maintaining an erection. After a complete exam the doctor told the man that the muscles around the base of his penis were damaged from a prior viral infection and there was nothing he could do for him. However, he knew of an experimental treatment that might work, if he were willing to take the risk. The treatment consisted of implanting muscle tissue from an elephant's trunk in the man's penis. The man thought about it for a while. The thought of going through life without ever experiencing sex again was just too much for him to bear. So, with the assurance that there would be no cruelty or adverse effect on the elephant, the man decided to go for it. A few weeks after the operation, he was given the green light to use his newly renovated equipment. As a result, he planned a romantic evening with his girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in the city. She was leaning over the table in a low cut shirt, and sure enough he began to feel very uncomfortable. To release the pressure, he unzipped his fly. Suddenly his penis emerged from his pants, went to the top of the table, grabbed a roll, and retreated into his pants. His girlfriend was stunned at first, but then with a sly smile on her face said: "That was incredible. Can you do that again?" With his eyes watering, he replied: "I think I can, but I'm not sure if I can take another dinner roll in the ass."
What does Donald Trump’s hair and a thong have in common?
They both barely cover the asshole. EDIT: I leave this up for a few hours and 500 upvotes already?! Thanks everyone! EDIT 2: WOW! MY FIRST MEDAL EVER! THANK YOU KIND REDDIT STRANGER!
Did you know centipedes have a faster top speed than humans.
They run at 100 feet a second
I made a playlist for hiking!
It has music from Peanuts, The Cranberries, and Eminem. I call it my….Trail Mix.
Not to brag, but I have sychic powers.
For example, right now you’re thinking, “It’s psychic, idiot!”
People call me Mr. Compromise…
Wasn't my first choice for a nickname, but I can live with it…
The amount of bad Covid-19 jokes being circulated is starting to reach alarming figures
Some scientists suspect that it might be a pundemic.
My sister walked in and caught me masturbating. She called me a sick pervert.
I walked in and caught her masturbating. She called me a sick pervert. There's no justice in this world.
I saw a woman with 12 breasts the other day…
Sounds weird, dozen tit?
This is one from one of my preschoolers: Why did the cookie go to the doctor?
Because he was feeling crumby.
A book fell on my head.
I've only got my shelf to blame.
I cannot eat shrimp, lobsters and clams that have been cooked by heated water vapor….
I have shellfish steamed issues.
