In light of the multiple recent crashes of its airplanes, Boeing announced a revolutionary new aircraft design made out of rubber…
Now, it won't crash, it'll just go, "Boeing Boeing Boeing!"
How do you ruin a joke?
Except the movie Up. He’s never gonna give you Up.
Dress her up as a choir boy.
He tractor down.
"I either want to be a pizza delivery guy, or a pool skimmer" ………………. I think the little bastard found my porn stash.
Use, spring water.
He's the pitcher.
Me: Dad, could you call my phone? I can’t find it. My dad: OH PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?
They took him into custardy
He got arrested after the police saw people actually letting him in.
Why does Batman wear dark colors? Thats easy, Batman doesent want to get shot. Why does Robin wear bright colors?
Thats easy… Batman doesent want to get shot.
It's like he blew up overnight.
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I laughed because I knew the shark wasn’t going to help him…
-What’s that? -Urine trouble, sir.
He is a tail gunner on a school bus.
Numbers not divisible by 2
She lives in a terrible neighborhood and one day is caught in the middle of a drive by shooting. She is rushed to the hospital for emergency surgery. When she wakes up the doctor tells her that all of her babies will live, however each one was hit by a bullet and they were unable to remove them. The woman ends up giving birth to two girls and a boy. 13 years later the first daughter approaches her mom and says, "hey, mom, I was going to the bathroom and a bullet came out." So the woman explains to her daughter what happened. A few days later the second daughter approaches her mom and says, "hey, mom, my period just started and a bullet came out." So the woman explains to her daughter what happened. A few days later she sees the son laughing hysterically and approaches him and asks what's the matter. The son replied, "I was masturbating and I shot the dog."
Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?" When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep. A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. "JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT FUCKING THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ASS!"
But I can't see myself wearing it
Because it gets smaller with every mistake I make
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If they pulled up both legs they would fall over.
IKEA has been accused of evading over $500 million in taxes. Apparently, prosecutors have been after them for years…
…but they're having a really hard time putting their case together.
A do-or-do-not-angle. There is no try-angle.
Mom: Stares at Dad Dad: Clenches fist Mom: "Don't!" Dad: Sweats Profusely Mom: "…" Dad: "HI GAY, I'M DAD"
No strings attached.
However, his sister Chewbacca and his brother Boba Fett are less amused.
I told her I didn’t want to hear her Saab story.