In light of the times, I feel we need a little Jesus
Why isn’t Dark spelled “Darc”
Because you can’t C in the dark
Admit it, you don’t even like my maths, you’re just using me for my theorems!
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Don’t throw a snake like a boomerang.
It'll come back to bite you.
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches
But then I realized it would be a waist of time
There was a Pirate Captain who had an interesting way of pillaging ships..
Prowling the edges of dangerous waters where storms and large reefs were common, the Captain and his crew would pick out the most stricken merchant vessels limping out of a storm, then swiftly close in. Once their pirate ship was alongside the merchant vessel however, the pirates wouldn't then go all cannons and cutlass on their prey. Instead, they would signal over to the merchant vessel, offering to repair the damage to their ship for but a small fee. Having barely survived the storm and taking in more water than they could bail, the crew of the merchant vessels would readily agree. Once payment had been made, the Pirate Captain would send five of his own crew to board the merchant vessel, along with a large wooden crate of tools. They would then proceed below decks and start work. Unbeknownst to the crew of the merchant vessel, two of the Captain's most stealthiest pirates were hiding in the large wooden crate of tools. Once below decks, they would pop out and get to work too, raiding the hold of the merchant vessel and taking all the valuables, jewels and gold pieces they could get their hands on. Quickly tossing their spoils into the large wooden crate, the other two would then work alongside the other five once the crate was full. When the repairs were complete and the seven crewmen had returned with the crate full of booty, the pirate ship would depart as swiftly as it had arrived, before the the crew of the merchant vessel noticed anything was missing. Bragging about his ill-gotten gains amassed using this tactic, the Pirate Captain was booed and jeered at by his counterparts for employing such dishonourable methods. His reply? "Arrr.. it's not loot-boxes I be using! They be the surprise mechanics, and they be quite ethical.."
A family of buffalo are sending their boy off to kindergarten. The teary-eyed mom is hugging her kid.
Dad just waves and says, "Bison".
Ok boomer bad. Ban good.
This sub is for comics that display boomer humor. It is not an ok boomer sub or boomer reaction sub. Violators will be temporarily banned.
Why did the man take his Toyota to the ER?
It had Corolla virus
What do you get when you plant a Donut?
A pastree.
At a celebrity party, Stevie Wonder meets golf champ Tiger Woods and mentions that he, too, is an excellent golfer.
Tiger is a bit skeptical that the blind musician can play golf well, but he's too polite to say anything. "When I tee off, " the singer explains, "I have a guy call to me from the green. My sharp sense of hearing lets me aim." Tiger is impressed, and Stevie suggests that they play a round. When Tiger agrees, Stevie asks, "How about if we play for $10,000 a hole?" Tiger insists he couldn't possibly play him for money because of his sight handicap. But Stevie argues and badgers Tiger until Tiger finally relents. Stevie says, "You pick the place and I'll pick the time?" Tiger says, "Fine. Pebble Beach." Stevie replies, "Midnight!"
Joke
An Eskimo brings his friend to his home for a visit. When they arrive, his friend asks, puzzled – “So where’s your igloo?” – The friend replies “Oh no, I must’ve left the iron on…”
Why did Karen press CTRL + Alt + Delete?
She wanted the Task Manager.
I hate jokes that rely on visual imagery…
I’ve had it right up to here with them!
I’m never again donating money to anyone collecting for a marathon.
They just take the money and run.
Please never ask me if something is electric
Because I only have one response and it's "boogie oogie oogie".
When I drink alcohol, people call me alcoholic. But when I drink fanta, no one calls me
or texts me, I'm so lonely, pls help.
My New Years resolution is to lose weight.
So I'm off to the paint store since everyone seems to get thinner here.
What is the difference between a cat and a complex sentence?
A cat has claws at the end of its paws. A complex sentence has a pause at the end of its clause.
I met a group of highly trained Fly Killers the other day
First time I've ever seen a SWAT team.
Pizza clerk: We have a special today – buy one pizza, get the second one free
Dad: Then we'll just have the second one !
How do you catch a bra?
Well, first, you gotta set a boobie trap…
I was really angry when I found out that my buddy Mark stole my dictionary.
I confronted him and said, “Mark, my words!”
Park rangers told us not to leave any wrappers inside the car because bears might break in…
Bears must really like Hip-Hop.
I asked a pretty young homeless lady if I could take her home.
She said Yes, but didn't look pleased when I walked off with her cardboard box.
Pennies and quarters rain from the sky
“Wow!” I say. “It’s climate change!”
A nice Scottish lad moves to New York.
After 6 months his mom calls him and she asks how he finds the Americans. Horrible, he says. They always yell and scream. He hates how they pound on the walls and stomp the floors. Oh pure! she says, how do you get by? I just relax in bed, playing me bagpipes, says the lad.
Been a dad 5 mo, so I’m a little new to this… Hit my wife with this one tonight at dinner.
Me: Dinner is served as soon as you dress the salad. Wife: What are you thinking? Me: Business casual.
What makes gays and lawyers happy?
New mandates
Why don’t people talk much in Finland?
Because it’s hard to Finnish a sentence
If pronouncing my B’s as V’s makes me sound Russian
Then soviet.
Three logicians enter a bar
The bartender asks them: "Do all three of you want beer?" The first one said: "I don't know." The second also said: "I don't know." The third one said: "Yes."
NSFW A boy goes to the zoo with his parents
They're standing at the elephant exhibit when the boy asks his mom: What's that thing hanging down from the elephant? Mom: That's it's trunk. Boy: No, further back. Mom: That's its tail. Boy: No, in between. Mom: Oh, that's nothing. Now run along. The boy is still curious so he walks over to his dad. Boy: Dad, what's that thing hanging down from the elephant? Dad: That's its trunk. Boy: No, further back. Dad: That's its tail. Boy: No, in between. Dad: That's its penis. Boy: Oh, but Mom said it was nothing. Dad: Well, son, you have to realize that your mom is a little spoiled.
The next Minecraft movie will be a blockbuster
No text found
A man Has died, WE NEED to Pump MORE FACEBOOK into him. I don’t understand this.
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