In the boomer world, even the fish have Squidward noses
Cascading opinion
Because downvotes are very offensive.
So there was an American and a Russian arguing.
Then the American said “Look, in my country I can complain about the government. I can walk into the Oval Office, pound my fist on the President’s Desk and say ‘Mr. President, I don’t like the way you’re running our country’” The Russian said “I can do the same thing” The American was stunned and said “Really?” The Russian responded “Yes, I can walk to Moscow, go to the Secretary of State’s office, pound my fist on his desk and say ‘President Secretary of State, I don’t like the way the American President is running their country”
Did you hear they changed the font of alphabet soup?
Now it is Times New Ramen
Geology rocks. But geography is where it’s at.
No text found
What do you call a small mother?
A minimum.
What’s up with the dark jokes subreddit?
I don't see anything funny there.
I shaved a hedgehog once
It was pointless
Why do Ewoks talk quietly in the library?
They use their Endor voices.
The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve.
It was an apple but with extremely limited memory. Just 1 byte. And then everything crashed.
If a tree falls in the forest and nobody hears it
My illegal logging business is a success
Why are priests bad at marathons?
Because they always come in a little behind
How does Reese eat her ice cream?
Witherspoon
A man in an interrogation room says “I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present.”
Cop: You are the lawyer. Lawyer: Exactly, so where’s my present?
-Tips fedora at mosquito-
M’laria!
If I had a Nickle For every Time I was Clueless, I’d be Like
How the f*** did I get all these nickles?
My friend and I frequently give conjugal visits to an all-female prison, to remind the inmates what it’s like for a selfless guy to go down on them.
It just gives us some scents of perp puss.
do you think this is a good one
A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer. ‘This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it you.’ The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, ‘Which do you want, son?’ The boy takes the quarters and leaves. ‘What did I tell you?’ said the barber. ‘That kid never learns!’ Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. ‘Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?’ The boy licked his cone and replied, ‘Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!’
I wanted to write a movie script about a retired CIA agent who has to rely on his old skills to save his kidnapped daughter, but that idea was taken.
So I thought instead I'd write a script about a retired CIA operative who is taken hostage along with his wife in Instanbul, but that idea was taken, too.
Recently took a poll.
99% of people were annoyed when their tent fell down.
What do you call cold Mexican food?
Chillychangas
[OC] A man was riding on a bus.
The police pulled the bus over and ordered him to get down.
What’s the difference between your Wife and your Job?
Well, after 10 years your Job still sucks.
Once upon a time, a noble knight and his horse got lost in a dark forest
Once upon a time, a noble knight and his horse got lost in a dark forest when he suddenly came across a fairy. The fairy says: "Oh noble knight, you're the first human being to find me in 300 years. So as a reward, I'll grant you three wishes." The knight takes some time to think, he already has a castle, money and a beautiful wive. Then he says: "Make me invulnerable, so I can never lose any battle." The fairy snaps her fingers, and it is done. Then the knight says, "Make my horse invulnerable too, so we both can fearlessly charge into enemy lines." The fairy snaps her fingers again, and it is done. The knight needs some time to think again, because he already has everything he could need. After a while, he says, "Make my genitals as big as my horse's." The fairy snaps her fingers again, and it is done. Proud and excited he leaves the forest and rides back to his castle, where he finds his squire. The knight hands his sword to the squire and orders him to behead his horse. At first, the squire refuses, saying "I cannot kill your horse, it is the best horse you have ever had, my Lord." When the knight urges him to, the squire swings the sword with all his might and hits the horse on the neck. Nothing happens. "Now hit me", the knight orders and takes off his armor. The squire refuses again, scared, but the knight orders him to. So he hits the knight with the sword on the chest, but again, nothing happens. The squire cannot believe his eyes as all of his attacks have no effect on either horse or knight. "And now take a look at this", the knight proclaims and takes off his pants. Says the squire: "Wow, that's the biggest pussy I've ever seen!" Edit: it's "snaps", not "snips"… TIL 😀
Fast Eddie
Eddie wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot girl in his office… But she was dating someone else. One day Eddie got so frustrated that he went to her and said, 'I'll give you $100 if you let me have sex with you'… The girl looked at him, and then said, 'NO!' Eddie said, 'I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up.' She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her boyfriend…So she called him and explained the situation. Her boyfriend says, 'Ask him for $200, and pick up the money really fast. He won't even be able to get his pants down.' She agreed and accepts the proposal. Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is still waiting for his girlfriend's call. Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks what happened. Still breathing hard, she managed to reply, 'The bastard had all dimes!'
Frustrated by a world of moral decay, a man decided that he wanted a pure, innocent woman for his wife.
So he went to church in the hope of finding someone who had not been corrupted by modern society. After two weeks, he met a charming girl and took her back to his place for the ultimate test. Whipping out his manhood, he asked her: ‘What’s this?’ ‘A cock,’ she replied. Disappointed by her vulgar response, he decided she was not the girl for him. Two weeks later he met another fine upstanding church girl and resolved to put her to the same test. So when he took her home, he whipped out his manhood and asked her: ‘What’s this?’ ‘A cock,’ she answered. Deeply dejected, he concluded that she, too, failed to meet his requirements. Two weeks later, he met another sweet girl and invited her home. He whipped out his manhood and asked her: ‘What’s this?’ She giggled and said: ‘A pee-pee.’ That was exactly the sort of innocent answer he was looking for, and the pair began dating. Soon they married and settled down to enjoy their life together. But whenever she saw him naked, she giggled and said: ‘That’s your pee-pee.’ Whilst he found it endearing at first, it eventually began to grate a little, so he thought he ought to correct her. ‘Look,’ he explained, ‘this is not a pee-pee, it’s a cock.’ She laughed and said: ‘No, it’s not. A cock is ten inches long and black.’
A young lad walks into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist I need a pack of 3 condoms.
The pharmacist replies “are you really going to need 3?” The young lad says “yeah, I’ve got a meal at my girlfriend’s place tonight and I think her mum and her sister both fancy me so I’m gonna smash all three of them, they’re really sexy!” The pharmacist gives him the condoms and says “lucky you!” Later that night, the young lad is sat at the dinner table with his girlfriend and her mum and sister when her dad comes in and sits down at the table. The young lad sinks into his chair and starts to pray. The girlfriend says “I didn’t know you were religious.” The young lad replies “I didn’t know your dad was a pharmacist!”
I went to a bait and tackle shop the other day
They lured me in the door and then knocked me down.
(NSFW) Coronavirus porn is going viral on PornHub..
What a bunch of sick fucks
How many Republicans does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They're afraid of change- even if it makes the world a brighter place. (Edit: Folks, take a breath. It is a joke.)
Why did Jeffrey Epstein’s English teacher fail him?
Because he never finished his sentences…
I read an article earlier that said it actually takes three sheep to make one sweater…
I didn't even know they could knit!
Pushups are the best form of exercise.
Hands down.
What did the burger say to the bun?
I'll meat you in the middle.
The average age to lose your virginity is 17 years old
I'm finally above average for something
I’ve been saying “mucho” to my Spanish friend a lot more often lately
It means a lot to him
Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar. Every time I have pessimistic thoughts, I put a dollar in…
It’s currently half empty…
Why does Waldo wear stripes?
He doesn't like to be spotted.
Guys who try to pick up girls through Reddit are pathetic
Ladies if you agree with me message me your number and we can discuss it more. Maybe over dinner or a movie or something.
Before you get angry at someone, walk a mile in his shoes,
That way you will be a mile away and have his shoes.
I saw an amateur ventriloquist the other night.
The performance was a little wooden.