In the boomer world, even the fish have Squidward noses
Job Interview
A guy goes into the US postal service to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?" He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee." "OK, have you ever been in the military service?" "Yes," he says, "I was in Afghanistan for one tour." The interviewer says, "that will give you 5 extra points toward employment." Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?" The guy says, "yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles." The interviewer grimaces and then says, "disabled in your country's service! Well that qualifies for extra bonus points. Okay. Looking at the regulations you have got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 AM to 4:00 PM. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 AM every day." The guy is puzzled and asks, "if the work hours are from 8:00AM to 4:00 PM , why don't you want me here until 10:00 AM ?" "This is a government job , " the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."
A college girl finds out she’s pregnant….
She doesn't know who the father is, so she goes to every dude on the campus she recently had sex with, tells them "I'm pregnant." Luckily the guy was found when his newly developed senses made him answer: "Hi pregnant. I'm dad."
My favorite sex position is called WOW.
It’s where I flip your MOM over.
If you could exterminate any race what would you pick?
Personally, I‘d get rid of the 800m. It‘s too long to be considered a sprint and not long enough to really be long distance.
What kind of running means walking?
Running out of gas!
What did the 0 say to the 8 ?
Nice belt
I asked a chef if he ever served a steak raw..
He said yeah but it’s rare.
The supermarket cashier asked if I wanted to donate food to Africa to help solve world hunger.
I said, "no thanks. World hunger will be solved a lot faster if we stop feeding them."
Why do Hipsters keep drowning while iceskating?
Because they did it before it was cool
I walked in from work today and my wife was sitting on the sofa with my girlfriend.
I said, “What’s going on?” “You tell me?” replied my wife. I said, “I don’t know, you’re sitting on the sofa with a stranger.” “A stranger, hey?” shouted my girlfriend, “I’m no stranger, we’ve been having sex for six months!” I looked at my wife and said, “Is this true?”
I married my wife for her looks,
but not the ones she’s been giving me lately.
What do you call the security outside of a Samsung Store?
Guardians of the Galaxy.
The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve.
It was an apple but with extremely limited memory. Just 1 byte. And then everything crashed.
After my wide died, I couldn’t look at another woman for 18 years
But when i got out of prison, it was totally worth it
NV, SC, and Super Tuesday Primary Voters: Show us proof you voted yesterday, and we’ll give you a cool flair! :)
Continuation of this thread, which focuses on the NH Primary.We are planning on expanding the flair program to primary voters in all 50 states. If you have any ideas for perks or extras we can throw in, please let us know via modmail. Right now, only voters from states who’s primaries have either occurred or will occur soon can request flairs.Iowa caucus goers are also encouraged to use the same form to submit their late request. Later states will be given the chance to submit their requests once their primaries or caucuses have occurred.NV, SC, and Super Tuesday Primary Voters: CLICK HERE TO GET YOUR FLAIR IF YOU VOTED!Simply provide evidence of your participation (any ‘I Voted’ sticker or other supplemental documents are allowed), and we’ll add a user flair similar to my account to your account.Special Discord Channel AccessVerified voters will also get special access to our exclusive Voter Only Discord channel. To gain access to this, include your Discord account ID in your above submission, and we’ll add you to this channel.Have a good day!
Where does a horse go when it gets sick?
The horse-pital Just kidding it gets shot
Apparently you can’t use “beef stew” as a password.
It’s not stroganoff.
iron told carbon a joke so funny…
that he decided to steel it
I’ve decided to sell my roomba,
It was just collecting dust anyway.
A German tourist jumped in the freezing water to save my dog who was drowning…
After he climbed out he handed me the dog and said "here is ze dog, keep him varm and dry him off he vill be fine", I said "are you a vet?", He replied "vet? I'm fucking soaking!"
As a male, if a girl gets undressed in front of you, she is either interested in you or you’re level 100 friendzoned
Or she hasn't spotted you in the tree yet.
What’s the difference between North Korea and the US?
North Koreans can’t tell if their leader is seriously dead. Americans can’t tell if their leader is dead serious.
Robber broke into my house to find money
I searched with him
A priest, a rabbit, and a minister walk into a bar. The bartender asks the rabbit, “What’ll ya have?”
The rabbit says, “I dunno. I’m only here because of Autocorrect.”
A chinese kid asks his father: “Dad, why do they say all Chinese people look alike?”
He replies: "I am not your dad"
My calculator is missing the minus button….
But on the plus side it still works.
A cowboy, who just
moved to Montana from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time." The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado. When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss." The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains. "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking." “It hasn't affected my brothers though."
Did you know if you rearrange all the letters in Post Office
They get really annoyed