In the lawn care system, the lawns are maintained by two separate but equally important groups: The gardeners who work the mowers , and the machines themself , who cut down these grassy offenders. These are their stories. DUN DUN
Apparently there is bi-partisan agreement in Congress that medicinal marijuana should be allowed for the purpose of relieving arthritis pain…
In other words, there is joint support for joint support for joint support…
Me: Can I leave work early? Boss: Only if you make up the time.
Me: Ok, 45 past 60. Boss: Youāre fired.
Ever heard of the group of religious cannibals?
In Sundays they eat fishermen.
The flight attendant sees a suspicious looking couple on board, so she reports it to the Captain immediately.
"Sir, I think we have a case of human trafficking! There is a very pretty, hot and sexy, female passenger on board, who looks quite frightened and the man she is with is a fat old slob who looks like a lecher, very sullen, mean and dangerous!" The captain responds, "Patricia, I've told you this before. This is Air Force One…"
Several men were in the locker room of the gym when a cell phone on a bench rang and a man put it on speaker and begins to talk. Everyone in the room stopped to listen.
Man: Hello! Woman: Hi honey, its me. Are you at the club? Man: Yes. Woman: Im at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. Its only $2000: is it OK if I buy it? Man: Sure, go ahead if you like that much. Woman: I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one that I really liked. Man: How much? Woman: $90,000 Man: OK, but for that price I want it with all options. Woman: Great! Oh, and one more thing. I was just talking to Jane and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on market. They are asking $980,000 for it. Man: Well, then go ahead and offer $900,000. Theyāll probably take it. If not, we can go to the extra $80,000 if thatās what you really want. Woman: OK. See you later! I love you too much! Man: Bye, I love you too. The man hung up. The other men in the locker room were staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open. He turned and asked: Anyone knows whose phone is this?
Why do programmers like dark mode?
Because light attracts bugs
I donāt always tell dad jokes
But when I do he laughs
I love the way the Earth rotates
It really makes my day
What does every racist joke start with?
A look over the shoulder.
Barbara Walters once did a story on gender roles in Kabul, Afghanistan, several years before the Afghan conflict. She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands…
She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walked behind their husbands, despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime and women seemed happy to maintain the old custom. Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, "Why do you still abide by an old custom, that you once tried so desperately to change?" The woman looked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation said, "Land mines."
Two guys are in a bar. One had too much to drink and pukes all over himself.
āOh no!ā, the man says, āmy wifeās gonna kill me if she knows I got this drunk!ā His friend tells him ādonāt worry itāll be fine – just put ten dollars in your shirt pocket and tell her someone else did it and paid for it to get cleaned.ā āBrilliant!ā, says the man and he goes home. Wife sees him and says āohh honey look what youāve done! Youāve been sick everywhere! I canāt believe you got this drunk.ā āNooā, the man says, āit was someone else and look, to prove it thereās ten dollars in my shirt pocket from the guy who did it to go get it cleaned.ā āBut thereās twenty dollars in here…ā she points out āI know,ā he says, āhe also shit in my pants.ā
My friend said ALL comforters are too hot….
I told him that was a blanket statement.
A guy broke into my garage and stole my limbo pole last night…
Seriously, how low can you go?!
Wanna hear a dirty joke?
I fell in the mud. Wanna hear a clean one? I took a shower.
I spotted an albino dalmatian yesterday.
It was the least I could do
When people complain about php’s security, i need this picture to explain the scenario
https://ift.tt/2p6ZLtd
I was going to make an alzhiemers joke
but I forgot it
What do computers and air conditioners have in common?
They both become useless after opening windows.
I know someone who talks like an owl
No text found
Why did the first people to fly a plane succeed?
They were Wright
I feel like itās time for the annual update of these meme
I feel like itās time for the annual update of these meme
A joke isnāt really a dad joke
until itās fully groan.
I have a lot of unemployment jokes
But none of them work
There was a 6 fingered man that everyone kept calling Tommy. Why?
Because that's his name.
Why do astronomers put beef in their shampoo?
For meatier showers
This morning, my wife dragged me around the store looking at futons…
I thought, there is no way they're going to fit in a bowl of soup…
I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump…
I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?" He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What franchise?" He said, "Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?" He said, "Northern Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region." I said, "Me, too!" Northern Conservativeā Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912." I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over. ~Emo Philips, the best religious joke of all time according to someone
After Adam stayed out late a few nights, Eve became suspicious.
āYouāre running around with another womanāadmit it!ā she demanded. āWhat other woman?ā Adam shot back. āYouāre the only one here.ā That night, Adam was fast asleep when he was awoken by Eve poking him in the chest. āWhat are you doing?ā āCounting your ribs.ā
Always like this
Always like this
(sigh)
My dad and his sibling were talking and they just kept going on about how there generation is more hardworking and weāre all lazy š¤¦āāļø. I wanted to say ok boomer so badly.
Husband: I don’t like three things about you. Wife: What things?
Husband: Your chin.
What is an opinion without 3.14?
An onion.
Why don’t people from Alabama do reverse cowgirl? [NSFW]
Because they never turn their back on family
Because Shower Thoughts doesn’t allow images I guess
Because Shower Thoughts doesn’t allow images I guess
If I had to get rid of one part of my body, I’d get rid of my spine.
Sometimes I feel like it's holding me back.
Why do the French have small breakfasts ?
Because one egg is un oeuf.
A, B, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O, P, Q, R, S, T, U, V, W, X, Y, & Z are all racists.. How do I know?
Because they're all not 'C's.
I finally finished my book about clocks
Its about time
What do you call a hipster’s wife?
Mississippi!
As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole, I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetterā¦ I slid my finger back out, and within seconds, she was going down on me.
I thought to myself, āI really need a new boat.ā