In the name of love
I just finished reading “Twenty Thousand Leagues under the Sea.”
The entire novel was a sub-plot.
People don’t like having to bend over to get their drinks
We really need to raise the bar.
Support your local mailman
On John's last day as a mailman after 40 years serving the same neighborhood, the first house on his route gave him a nice gift envelope with $100 in cash. At the second house, they gave him a box of high-quality cigars. At the third house, they handed him a selection of great fishing lures. At the fourth house, he was met at the door by an attractive woman in her lingerie. She took him up to her bedroom and made fabulous love to him. When he was satisfied, she brought him downstairs to the kitchen, where she fixed him a giant breakfast, with eggs benedict and bacon and waffles and pancakes and Espresso. While he enjoyed it, she went to her purse, pulled out a dollar bill, and presented it to him. "All this was lovely," John said, "but what’s the dollar for?" "Well," the woman said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, "fuck him. Give him a dollar." "Breakfast was my idea!"
Today I went for a walk with a beautiful girl
Then she noticed me so we went for a run.
Man says to his boss, “Can we talk? I have a problem.”
Boss: "Problem? No such thing, we call it an opportunity!" Man: "Ok, I have a serious drinking opportunity."
I sat next to baby on a ten hour flight. I didn’t think it was possible for someone to cry for ten hours straight.
Even the baby was impressed I pulled it off.
I have a very important job in my company. I make sure that there are enough seats when the Directors meet.
Basically, I'm the Chairman of the Board.
how many bones are in your hand?
A handful
Did you know Paul walker had real bad dandruff before he died?
Nobody else knew until they found his head and shoulders in the glove box.
My wife asked me if she could have some peace and quiet while she tried to cook dinner
So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm
I dialed a suicide hotline in Iraq
They got all excited and asked me if I could drive a truck
What do you call a redditor who can wield Mjolnir?
A reddithor.
Found this on the facebook group “Victorian Humor”
Apparently, \”marriage is terrible\” never gets old.
Just heard someone bragging about their one night stand
Well I've got two night stands and a double bed
You serve alcohol at a party no one bats an eye
I serve laxatives at one and everyone loses their shit
For years I was against organ transplants
Then I had a change of heart
Did you hear about the guy who got the hand transplant?
He's feeling much better now
Someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick!
..I had no idea anyone could stoop so low!
Ronald McDonald and The Burger King were horrified when they heard the news about Wendy’s gruesome demise.
Apparently, the baconator.
Two older women were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain.
Two older women were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking. First Lady:Whats that? Second Lady: A condom. This way my cigarette doesnt get wet. First Lady: Where did you get it? Second Lady : You can get them at any drugstore. The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years old), but very delicately asks what brand she prefers. Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel.
Bouncer: “I’m going to have to ask you to leave.”
Me: "Why?" Bouncer: "I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline."
My dad showed me a 30 minute PowerPoint presentation on why one should always wear a condom during sex.
All the slides were just pictures of me.
What does a tree say once it’s spring?
What a releaf!
Why did the pig cross the road?
Because the chicken told him to teargas protestors for a photo-op
At midnight it will officially be Ramones time.
2020, 24 hours to go…
Why was Pavlov’s hair so soft?
Because he conditioned it.
What’s the best way to kill communists?
Communism.