In the United States, you’re American.
But in the bathroom, European.
I just took an online IQ test…
"404" sounds pretty fucking high!
A man visits a wise man and meets his three daughters…
He's staying for the night and each of the girls come to him in turn to offer their hospitality. The first one tells him her name is June because she was born in June. She is well practiced in fortune telling and gives him advice on the future. The second one tells him her name is August because she was born in August. She practices medicine and gives him a complete physical. The third one tells him her name is Maple because she was born in the neighboring town. She tells him of a great treasure buried beneath the family stables. After digging for an entire night, he returns empty-handed to the house covered in dirt and animal excrement. He complains to the wise man about Maple's deception. The wise man replies "oh you must have met April. April fools."
A Blonde Woman Asks For A $5000 Loan
A blonde woman walks into a bank in NYC before going on vacation and asks for a $5,000 loan. The banker asks, "Okay, miss, is there anything you would like to use as collateral?" The woman says, "Yes, of course. I'll use my Rolls Royce." The banker, stunned, asks, "A $250,000 Rolls Royce? Really?" The woman is completely positive. She hands over the keys, as the bankers and loan officers laugh at her. They check her credentials, make sure she is the title owner. Everything checks out. They park it in their underground garage for two weeks. When she comes back, she pays off the $5,000 loan as well as the $15.41 interest. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very appreciative of your business with us, but I have one question. We looked you up and found out that you are a multi-millionaire. Why would you want to borrow $5,000?" The woman replies, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"
I’m glad to see Reddit is meeting its goals to become one of the greenest companies in the world.
Take the front page, it's over 90% recycled content!
I have a friend who worked in Chicago his entire life tell me it isn’t that violent…
He is a tail gunner on a school bus.
I went golfing and I brought two pairs of socks…
In case I get a hole in one…
Found at my parents house (translated from German). Kids bad, technology also bad!
https://ift.tt/2DZG1vD
As a spanish speaking dude I really appreciate when people approach me and say “mucho”.
It means a lot to me.
My wife left me for an Indian guy
I know he's going to treat her well, I heard they worship cows.
I told my friend not to get excited about turning 32. Since her birthday would be short.
"Why would it be short?" she asked. I said, "Because it's your thirty-second birthday."
OC boomer comics are now limited to Sundays. If it’s satire, it belongs on r/antiboomershumor
This decision was based on feedback from both users and moderators.If you have any feedback or comments on how the sub is doing, or how it’s being run, please comment below.phone bad
My girlfriend broke up with me since I made too many bowling jokes.
I guess they just weren't up her alley. God she's such a pinhead.
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When the punchline becomes apparent!
Radios play music.
And that's a stereo type.
Harry Potter walks into a bar.
Because I put them on his bedroom window.
Comedian doing crowd work gets an answer he wasn’t ready for and handles it perfectly
https://youtu.be/rV8XhzG_rAg
Why is it dangerous to play cards in Africa?
Because all the Cheetahs are too easy to spot, and there are others who will end up Lion to you.
BREAKING: Trump signs an Executive Order renaming the San Andreas Fault
to Barack Obama’s Fault
TIL After Nigeria was unable to win any medals in this year’s Olympics, the Nigerian Sports Minister personally offered to refund all the expenses of fans that traveled to Brazil
He said he just needs their bank details and pin numbers to complete the transaction.
There once was a Native American who had only one testicle…
There once was a Native American who had only one testicle And whose given name was 'Onestone'. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone. After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said,' If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!' The word got around and nobody called him that any more. Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, 'Good morning, Onestone.' He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, Until Blue Bird died from exhaustion. The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do. Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until A woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away. Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, Was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.' Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, Then he made love to her all day, Made love to her all night, Made love to her all the next day, Made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die! Why ??? . . . . . . . . You can't kill Two Birds With OneStone!!!
In the English language, the word “pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis” has the most number of syllables at 19.
This narrowly beats out the runner-up, "Gloria" (18 syllables). Source: Catholic Exchange Note: full disclosure, I heard this absolutely glorious (hah!) joke years ago, but when I was retelling it earlier thought of another way to set it up. It's just a grand coincidence that that word in the OP I can barely understand had only one more syllable than "Gloria".
Why do pirates love reddit?
It be the best place to exchange stolen content for gold.
My wife thinks I don’t give her enough privacy.
At least that's what she said in her diary.
What do you call an evil Muslim?
Muhahahahahahammed
A New Yorker, a Nebraskan, a Georgian, and a Floridian were driving to Vegas…
After a few hours in the car, the Nebraskan suddenly rolls down his window, opens his bag, and starts chucking corn out the window. "What are you doing that for?", the others exclaim. "Back in Nebraska, everywhere I look I see corn. I'm going on vacation and I don't want to see any corn for a couple weeks." The Georgian replies, "you know what? You're right; I'm sick of seeing peaches all over Georgia. I don't know why I brought them with me." He opens his window and dumps his bag of peaches out. The Floridian, feeling inspired, opens the door and kicks the New Yorker out.
why cant you hear the pterodactyl pee
because its dead
A koala was sitting in a tree smoking a joint…
when a lizard walks up and says "Hey koala what are you doing?" The koala answers "Smoking a joint, come up and have some." The lizard climbs up and the two share the joint. After a while the lizard says his mouth is dry and excuses himself to a nearby river to have a drink. The lizard, so stoned, leans over too far and falls in. A crocodile swims out to rescue him. When they get onto dry land, the croc asks, "What's wrong with you, lizard?" The lizard tells him that he was smoking a joint with a koala, and he got too stoned and fell in while taking a drink. The croc has to see this for himself, so he asks the lizard to take him to the koala. When they get back to the tree, the croc looks up at the koala and says "Hey, you." The koala looks down and says "Shiiiit dude, how much water did you drink?"
I got fired from my last job even though I always gave 100%.
Apparently that’s not how you grade exams.
Little Emily went home from school and told her mum that the boys kept asking her to do cartwheels because she’s very good at them. Mum said, “You should say “No”, they only want to look at your knickers.”
Emily said, "I know they do. That's why I hide them in my bag"!
I know a great knock-knock joke, but you need to start it.
You: Ok, knock knock Me: Who's there? You: …? Me: 😃
I taught a wolf to meditate
Now it’s aware wolf
Someone threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily my injury’s were only super fish oil.
What’s Irish and stays out all summer?
Patty O’Furniture
My Grandfather has the heart of a lion
And a lifetime ban from the zoo
I just installed a new app on my phone that lets me know which of my friends are racist.
It's called 'Facebook'
My girlfriend told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer,
I said, "No, wait! I can change."
