In the word Laughter, the letter L comes first
A cop sees a car driving slowly and wiggly, changing lanes for no reason and so on
He pulls the car over, a man and a woman sit in it. Cop: "I had to pull you over, you can't drive like that!" Man: "I'm sorry, I've drank a little bit to much…" Cop: "That's not an excuse to let your wife drive!"
A woman comes home late in the night and goes quietly in the bedroom.
To her surprise, she sees male and female feet peeking out from under the blanket. Shocked and raging, she gets her baseball bat and beats and beats until all movement stops. After that she goes into the living room and sees her husband laying on the sofa. He turns to her half asleep: "Oh, you're home, darling. I'm afraid we have to sleep here tonight, My parents came for a surprise visit."
My wife went to get a pedicure with her mother. She sent me a text saying that they have an exfoliating, foot scrub that has CBD/Hemp oil in it and she was going to try it out…I replied “baby, do you realize that you left the house with slippers on…
But you are coming back with high heels”. Her mom sent me a text asking me what I said that made my wife throw her phone in to her lap and groan aloud. Mission accomplished haha
A man is poor so he gets a job at the juice store…
He is so happy with his job and he works very hard all day and all night. He impresses his manager and he soon gets promoted to supervisor. As supervisor, he does a great job keeping watch over the employees and is a great leader. After six months, he has done such a good job he gets promoted to manager. When the man is manager, he remodels the juice store and always makes sure he is the last one to leave the store every night. He is very hard-working and always wears a smile. One day, he catches the attention of the company president, who quickly promotes him to the company Vice President. The man is stunned and continues to demonstrate his work ethic everyday. Two months later, the company president passes away and the man is suddenly promoted to the company president. Years later, the man sits in his chair on the top floor of his company building, overlooking all of his hard work. In the distance, he sees all of his juice stores, each one with a long line out the door. He sees the orange juice line, the grape juice line, the lemonade line, but something was wrong. The man suddenly realized his big mistake. There was no punch line.
My GF said she hates my sense of direction.
So I packed my stuff and right.
At the end of the physics lecture, I asked my professor, “What exactly happened before The Big Bang?”
He said, “Sorry. No time.”
My wife asked me if I’ve ever peed in the shower.
Me: Yes, twice, accidentally. Wife: How do you accidentally pee in the shower? Me: Well, sometimes I pee while I’m pooping.
Did you know the white-tail deer can jump higher than the average house?
This is due to its powerful hind legs and the fact the average house can't jump.
How does a butcher introduce his wife?
Meat Patty.
News just in: Local police have acquired 1000 bees
They're believed to be used as part of a sting operation
Husband and his wife were celebrating 50 years together. Their three kids, all very successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor.
“Happy anniversary Mom and Dad,” gushed son number one, a surgeon, “Sorry I'm late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it is, and didn't have time to get you a gift.” “Not to worry,” said the father, “the important thing is that we're all together today.” Son number two, a lawyer, arrived and announced ,“You and Mom look great, Dad. I just flew in from Los Angeles between depositions and didn't have time to shop for you.” “It's nothing,” said the father. “We're glad you were able to come.” Just then the daughter, a marketing executive, arrived. “Hello! Happy Anniversary! I'm sorry but my boss was sending me out of town and I was really busy packing, so I didn't have time to get you anything.” After they finished dessert, the father said, “There's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. You see, we were very poor. Despite this, we were able to send each of you to college. Throughout the years your mother and I knew we loved each other very much, but we just never found the time to get married.” The three children gasped and all said, “You mean we're bastards?” “Yep,” said the father, “and cheap ones too.”
How many Germans does it take to change a light bulb?
One. They’re efficient and not very funny.
My son said he wanted to swim in an ocean someday, any ocean at all.
I told him to be more Pacific.
My neighbor got busted for growing weed…
Apparently my property line isn’t where I thought
I hope death is a woman….
Then I know it will never come for me
What’s bigger than a tow truck?
A foot truck!
Was asked in an interview if I could perform under pressure.
I said I'm not sure but I can definitely perform "another one bites the dust"
Republicans must be flipping their shit over this blatant nepotism within our government!
https://ift.tt/37vjKDx
Little Teddy’s doing very poorly in math, so his parents enroll him in Catholic school.
The first day home from St. Michael’s, he walks straight to his room to do his math homework. After dinner Teddy marches back upstairs and starts calculating again. His mother visits his room and says, “You’re working awfully hard!” “Well,” Teddy replies, “today when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren’t fucking around.”
Two young brothers in Rome, aged 12 and 14..
One day, two young brothers in Rome, aged 12 and 14, came home with a 20 and 50 euro note. Their mother asked them where they got all that money from. "Well, we were standing outside the brothel when a guy left," said the 12-year-old. "We told him that we knew where he had been, so he asked us not to reveal anything and gave us 20 euros." "Then we followed the man," said the other boy, "and when he came to his house we told him that now we also knew where he lived. Then he gave us another 50 euros and begged us to keep quiet." "That's a truly awful behaviour," the mother replied. "You really should be ashamed of yourselves and feel sorry for the man. Off you go to confession in the church." The boys did what they were told and went to the Church, to confess and atone before the priest. After a while they came back with 100 euros, because now they also knew where the man worked!
The western world
A copypasta
I once played poker with a deck of tarot cards.
I got a full house and 3 people died.
How do you fix a damaged jack-o-lantern?
You use a pumpkin patch.
Hey, I’m not saying Hitler was a great guy.
But he really saved the History channel.
My laptop was making funny noises today, it sounded like it was singing…
Probably because it's a Dell
I was once addicted to soap.
Now I’m clean.
if you’re going to do this, just market it as an off-hour discount like everyone else
if you’re going to do this, just market it as an off-hour discount like everyone else
Finally done some exercise
feels like a weight's been lifted
If you work hard everyday, your hard work will pay off and you will eventually be successful.
My parents used to tell me that joke all the time. Still remember it to this day.
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C?
Because you can't C in the dark
I thought about inventing a pencil with an eraser at both ends.
But I didn't see the point.
Some people are so ignorant about anatomy.
Just today I had to explain to someone that there is a vas deferens between a testicle and a penis.
Cockroaches can survive a nuclear holocaust but can’t survive a slap from a newspaper.
That shows how toxic the media is.
Q: What do you call a Satanist who only eats low-carb pizza?
ʇsnɹɔ-ᴉʇu∀ ǝɥ┴ :∀