In their own words!
As an introverted entrepreneur in the coal industry…
I mined my own business.
What do you call an Irishman flying an airplane?
Éire O'Dynamic
TIL: A recent study found that the newest strain of head lice is resistant to conventional treatment.
That left scientists scratching their heads.
So much has changed ever since my girlfriend told me we were having a baby!
For instance, my name, address, and telephone number!
Why did Ross Geller from Friends drown?
He wasn’t a good Schwimmer.
This guy is dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there’s a beautiful redhead sitting at the next table. He’s been sneakily checking her out ever since he arrived, but doesn’t have the courage to start talking to her.
Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. His reflexes kick in and he reaches out, plucks it out of the air, and hands it back to her. The redhead is mortified. “Oh my, I am so sorry,” she says as she pops her eye back into place. “Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.” So he joins her table and they enjoy a wonderful meal together. Afterwards, they go to the theatre followed by drinks at a bar. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap. He says yes and they return to her place. He ends up staying the night. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed at how everything has been so perfect and how incredible this woman is. He can’t believe his luck. “You know,” he said, “you are the perfect woman, are you this nice to every guy you meet?” “No,” she replies, “You just happened to catch my eye.”
I dig, you dig, he digs, she digs we dig, they dig.
It's not a long poem, but it's deep.
Two Americans are touring Europe, and are scheduled to arrive in France Sunday afternoon.
Two Americans are touring Europe, and are scheduled to arrive in France Sunday afternoon. However, they arrived several hours early, and had little to do on Sunday morning while everything was closed. "Well," one says to the other, pointing to a nearby Cathedral, "why don't we attend Mass?" "Sure," replies his friend. "But we don't know how the French pray and we can't speak French!" The first guy thinks for a minute. "I have an idea. We'll pick a guy in front of us, and whatever he does, we'll do." His friend agrees. They enter the church, sit close to the front, and choose a guy. Fifteen minutes pass, and their plan is working well. Thirty minutes, no issues. By the time forty-five minutes pass, they've gotten used to the routine. Suddenly, while everyone is seated, the priest says something in French and the gentleman they chose stands up. Without thinking, the two Americans stand up as well. The church bursts into hard laughter. Realizing that no one else is standing up, the two Americans sit down quickly, before deciding to just leave in embarrassment. They wait for the Mass to end, and then approach the priest, who happened to speak English as part of his vocation. "We're really well-meaning people- we don't speak French and just chose some guy to imitate while praying," one says. The priest chuckles. "Ah. You're probably wondering why everyone laughed at you." "Yes," replied the other American. "Well, you see, I announced the Baptism of a child… and asked for the father of the child to stand up."
Why can’t miss piggy count to 100?
Because when she reaches 69 she gets a frog in her throat.
When two ginger people conceive a child…
the child could technically be considered ginger-bred.
What concert cost only 45 cents?
50 cent ft. Nickelback
Hillary’s emails
[deleted]
My girlfriends favourite position is 6.9
Personally, I prefer it without the period.
A Catholic priest, a Baptist preacher, and a rabbit walk into a bar.
There rabbit takes a look around the joint and says, "I'm beginning to think I'm a typo."
“Hey kids, it’s Jamaican hairstyle day at work tomorrow!”
I'm dreading it…
Fred is a hippo who goes to a University where everyone is a hippo
One day, someone asked Fred where to find the medical building. Fred replied, "Its over there and to the left. I do brain research in there." Fred is an expert on the hippocampus.
Grandpa: What has 4 legs, but isn’t alive ?
Boy: A chair, haha, nice try gran- Grandpa – it's your dog. He's dead Jimmy.
Why did it take so long for the pirates to learn the Alphabet?
They got stuck at C
What’s the difference between sanitizer and moisturizer ?
One will burn your eyes, the other will moisturize
A date site for witches is known for its members’ relationships moving too fast, and most of them ultimately break up.
Don't mount your Wiccans before they're matched.
A world without women….
It would be a pain in the ass
An egg and a sausage are frying in a pan…
An egg and a sausage are frying in a pan. The egg turns to the sausage and says, "It's getting hot in here!", and the sausage replies "Wow! A talking egg!"
Did you hear about the English teacher who went to jail?
She got a full sentence.
What do you call people who take care of chickens?
Chicken Tenders
I just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
I'll let you know.
I went into a pharmacy and asked “what gets rid of Coronavirus?”
The assistant replied “ammonia cleaner” I said “I’m sorry, I thought you worked here”
I asked my wife what she wanted for Valentine’s Day and she told me she wanted a divorce.
I told her I wasn't planning on spending that much.
What is the strongest and longest rope in the whole world?
It's Europe. So long and also strong that it is binding all the EU countries.
My wife caught me standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in my stomach. “Ha! That’s not going to help,” she said.
“Sure, it does,” I said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”
I recently switched all the labels on my wife’s spices…
She hasn’t realized it yet, but the Thyme is Cumin.
If you took all the people in the world who fall asleep during church, and laid them head to toe in a straight line
They’d all be a lot more comfortable
How many introverts does it take to change a light bulb?
Why must it be a group activity?
My order of a dozen bees came with 13 bees
When I called customer service about it they said, “ oh that’s just a freebie.”
My therapist says I’m obsessed with vengeance
I’ll show him!